Posted by ElaineM on October 3, 2006, at 17:18:20
In reply to Re: way back last Friday » ElaineM, posted by TherapyGirl on September 30, 2006, at 19:58:08
I know most would still think he's bad for me. But it scares me to think that others think of him as a predator (it frightens me to hear that). Maybe it's naive of me, but I'd rather only hear that he's unethical -- maybe I'm dumb. I feel the urge to defend him and protect him, even when I'M the big-mouth who's revealing all the stuff about him to people -- my duplicity is embarassing (and confusing). I just want him to never be hurt, to make him happy -- and me to hurt and be sad as little as possible. I'd rather take care of him than the other stuff, plus it makes me feel like there's purpose to me existing, especially in this much pain, in this body.
I went and met the new physician yesterday and it's not going to work out -- the groups rules, a labrynth-like bureaucracy...blah. And I was really upset last night and this morning. But today I made 8!!! phonecalls (which is one of my nightmare things to do) and I have another interview with one next Wed. I was so scared and desperate that I just wrote out what I was supposed to say and repeated it like a robot to different receptionists. (I cried like an idiot twice when they rejected me, and then it would take forever for me to dial again. I'd end up sitting there with the phone off the hook beeping cause I couldn't get all the numbers in) I don't want to do that anymore. It's gonna be a man though. It's hard for me to say why that could be such a problem though. I don't have a choice really right now. I need someone knowing my medical file by heart. I know a doc is not a T, but I can barely manage to do one thing at a time.
I'm trying to reach out as best I can, but it's hard when nothing keeps coming back :(
poster:ElaineM
thread:687876
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/691583.html