Posted by Dinah on June 22, 2006, at 21:13:00
In reply to Re: I failed again » annierose, posted by Tamar on June 22, 2006, at 17:34:13
> > I'm not suggesting, although it sounds that way, that you up and leave this therapist. I just think you are stumbling into uncharted terriority with T1 and he is waving a yellow flag, saying "I'm not sure I can go there. I don't know how to respond in an appropriate manner. I don't know if I can help you with this."
>
> That makes sense. On the other hand, if he were actually saying that (out loud), I could work with it. We could work together to negotiate comfort levels.Tamar, I think this is a very important part of what's going on. I know you haven't been here from the beginning of my therapy saga, and I know that right now it looks more like an object lesson than a success story. But we did a lot of what I call "fighting to relationship".
At first, he didn't say what was going on out loud. At first, he tried to stay in his comfort zone. But I kept working at it, at times getting more and more specific, until we came to a workable relationship (until lately).
After I found Babble, I did a lot of bringing in my posts and responses to my posts, and we'd talk about why he would or wouldn't choose this or that approach. I'd bring in other people's posts and say "There. That's what I'm looking for. Right there." And we'd argue about it until we came to an understanding.
It was sort of like I suggested Dr. Bob do. He'd reflect back to me what he thought I was saying. And he'd be completely and utterly wrong. So I'd reflect back to him what I heard him saying I was saying, and how that differed from what I was saying. And we'd do it in the opposite direction as well.
At first I was stymied about why he always interpreted what I said in such horrendously negative ways.
But after we did a lot of reflective listening, we sort of worked it out.
At one point didn't I hear you say that you gave up on communicating something because he didn't get it? It's ok to give up in one session, take some time, and come back to it with a different way of saying it, when you have more energy or are less frustrated.
Of course, the big breakthrough in my therapeutic relationship *did* come when my therapist realized his countertransference. One day it was late, I think he scheduled an appointment after whatever job he had then. He was tired, and his defenses were down, and he said that he always had had a problem with dependent women. Then he stopped and looked horrified. He told me a little about what he meant by it, but in future sessions he really wouldn't talk about it further. He didn't deny it happened, he'd just listen to what I was saying and focus on some other aspect of it.
But from that session forward he stopped interpreting what I said in such a negative way. He obviously did some work on his own in therapy or supervision and was able to separate out me from whatever dependent woman he was thinking of.
In retrospect, years later, all he'll say is that he realized that he was trying to change me and that nobody ever changed until they were accepted the way they were. So he made a conscious decision to accept me.
I also learned later about the client who demanded forever therapy and then quit six months after he semiagreed to it.
So, maybe you aren't wrong about that. But it doesn't have to be the death of the relationship. When you think about it, we all have negative transferences to most people in our lives at some point or another.
I saw him as the mother who was never on time to pick me up from kindergarten, and I never knew how much not on time she'd be. And he saw me as some mysterious dependent woman from his past, mixed with a fickle client from his past.
Which is way more than you needed to know...
But. If you want to continue working with him, maybe my experience will help. Bring in posts or writings (you can always edit out the stuff you don't want him to hear as you read them aloud). Try reflective listening. Make sure both of you are hearing what the other is actually saying. And persevere for as long as the system will allow.
Of course, your therapist is not my therapist and you aren't me and mileage may vary accordingly.
poster:Dinah
thread:660078
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060615/msgs/660318.html