Posted by Tamar on June 22, 2006, at 5:58:47
So I tried to tell Bert about the stuff I’m having trouble with in the relationship.
I told him my inner 18 year-old was really struggling. (Our current goal is to try to integrate her.) I said she feels he backs away when she wants to talk about certain things and she doesn’t understand why he won’t talk about them.
I gave him an example: I reminded him that last week I’d said I felt hurt and humiliated and wanted comfort but didn’t know whether comfort was appropriate or even possible in therapy, and I said that he’d replied to the part about feeling hurt and humiliated but not to the part about wanting comfort. I told him that whenever she says she wants something from him that comes out of the father stuff – something that’s not about therapy – he backs away or ignores it. I told him she’s not actually asking for it, she just wants to talk about wanting it.
He said perhaps he didn’t realise he was backing away, but that he’s willing to talk about my relationship with my father.
I said he didn’t get it; it’s not that I want to talk about my relationship with my father. I want to talk about my relationship with *him* when it feels reminiscent of the father stuff. I said when he backs away from it or blocks it I feel very small and very disgusting.
He didn’t respond to that. I can’t remember exactly what he said, but it wasn’t a response to what I’d said. I told him he still hadn’t answered the question. He said, “What was the question?”
I told him if he didn’t know what the question was, then I wasn’t repeating it. I apologised, but said I know how much guys like to try to guess how women are feeling!
I said my eighteen year-old was very heavily emotionally invested in the relationship. She doesn’t understand why he doesn’t understand what’s going on with her. And I said he still hadn’t answered the question. He looked utterly baffled.
Oh, and I managed to talk about all this after he’d suggested that I should consider letting him refer me to someone who does more long term work. I said I’d rather eat my own ears than try to build another therapeutic relationship.
Why doesn’t he get it? What am I saying wrong? I want to talk about the aspects of my relationship with him that remind me of my father. I want to talk about the things I want from him that aren’t about therapy. Am I being completely inarticulate? Does anyone understand what I mean?
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:660078
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060615/msgs/660078.html