Posted by ElaineM on June 22, 2006, at 16:35:07
In reply to Re: I give up! ******S.I. TRIGGER*******, posted by B2chica on June 22, 2006, at 9:37:51
Muffled, Karolina, B2C: Thank you. You help.
I am very depressed. So sad, that even the anxiety is gone. That's when I know to be afraid. I can't bare being so low cause it makes minutes feel like hours. I just want to scream, How can a day be so long?! And I can't do stuff. There are other threads here that I want to answer, I go to type and can't. The words don't come, and sentences are hard to make properly. My hands move slower, delayed reaction. And even that makes me sadder cause being on here makes me feel part of something bigger than myself. Silly. I'm usually afraid of connections, they leave you too open to being hurt. And I'd like to be able to give as much support as I've taken.
B2: I'm too afraid to say to someone that I'm mentally unsafe. Yesterday I was on auto-pilot. Unstable. I couldn't do it again. Never planned. I've been forced into residential treatment before when I was too small. Twice more I signed myself over. I've done a competency assessment when I was at my lowest, and I've never been more afraid than having my autonomy taken away. Though I'm not sick that way right now, I'm not a strong enough person to go through that ever again.
I'm just going to go to my session tomorrow. A week gap is too long. Karolina: I won't mention the SI. cause he doesn't like hearing about it. He never talks about it, or asks to see them, and usually changes the subject. (My old T used to ask to see them so she could monitor the healing. I used to hate it so much but I kinda miss it. Or her.) Plus, mentioning it makes me feel guilty, like I'm advertising it, or am proud of it, or something. Muff and B2, I appreciate you sharing your SI tendencies with me.
Thank you for all your strength. I miss thinking that the problem with my T and I was only me and my nerves. I don't like that I don't see him as all good anymore. It's lonely and frightening.
((((Everyone))))EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:659807
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060615/msgs/660220.html