Posted by ElaineM on June 21, 2006, at 16:46:59
Oh God, she didn't come! She wasn't there! I sat in the office for an hour, with my stupid papers all folded in my purse. After like 15min waiting I heard the admin. staff outside the door saying "____ isn't here yet. That's odd" I started freaking out when i heard them say that the appointment two after mine had shown up already. I started tearing up and trying to hold it in so I wouldn't look crazy. 40min in a nurse came and explained that they couldn't reach her and didn't have her cell, but she was to be driving in from a conference. I felt my face cringe and I had to grab more kleenex, and she asked, "Were you here for anything urgent, or was it just a follow-up?" I said it wasn't medically urgent and she said I could wait a bit longer but she didn't think she'd show up because she wasn't usually late, and that she probably forgot. She forgot?!
I waited another 20 min and then she told me they were re-scheduling her whole patient load for the day. I started crying. I thought I'd pass-out. I started getting that bubble-vision, and the lights were looking weird, and I almost said, I might hurt myself. I thought I was going to be sick. The receptionist said her next available time is July 7th!!! That's a lifetime away! I whimpered Thanks and I probably sounded ridiculous cause my voice was all shaky and popping.
I didn't think I could get home. I just stood inside the bathroom bawling. I didn't even care others were there. When I went to leave, I couldn't walk properly and I just kept saying over and over in my head, "This is what you get you stupid, ugly idiot! You go to open your mouth and everything gets messed up!"
I knew I'd self harm if I left. I could tell. So I started walking to the counselling center on campus. I probably looked like a zombie with my red eyes and screwed up makeup. I went right up to the guy at the desk and said, "I need to have a walk-in appt please." And he asked "What is it for?" And I said I wanted to speak to someone about another Dr. I was seeing, and the regulations about Dr conduct. And he said "But we do personal counselling and skills learning. We don't do that" Then the tears started welling up again, and someone had come in behind me, and I said, "Please I only want to ask some questions." And he handed my a pamphlet and said, "This is what we do. You should call the professional organization" (or whatever he called it) I was on the verge of losing it so I said "okay" and turned around. Why wouldn't he help me when I was crying and upset!? Everyone hates me!
I walked out and right into a public bathroom and cut myself and cried for another long time. I came home and I took some stuff (I don't know if I'm allowed to say what) and I cut myself again, but smaller. This always happens. It's like a sign or something. I need to stop being a b****! What am I going to do?! Why didn't she come today!
I can't do this. It's not worth it. I fail at everything I try to do. After all that, after how hard this past week has been, all that I have is two soon-to-be scars, a headache, and a message from my T saying that he missed me today and that he can't wait to see me next session. I hate everything. I'm a loser and I don't care what happens to me. I have to leave the house so I don't cut again. I'll check in later. I'm sorry all your help was wasted on nothing.
EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:659807
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060615/msgs/659807.html