Posted by Daisym on February 14, 2006, at 0:55:22
I think I don't know how to use therapy right now.
I'm coming out of a very bad patch with my therapist -- we usually dance so smoothly together but this time he stepped on my toes. It hurt and it has taken a lot of sessions to process what happened and why. And things are very volatile at home, too much anger for me to deal with.
The flip side is that work is more under control than it has been for months. I started an infant/child mental health fellowship that is rigorous and VERY cool (I trained all weekend with T. Berry Brazelton, himself!) and I am busy, busy with commitments here, there and everywhere.
Which is an old coping mechanism for me. I get myself totally busy and overwhelmed so I don't have time for my feelings. And it works, up to a point. The difference now is that I have therapy everyday that pokes and prods those feelings back into action. I can't ignore them for very long. But I'm feeling so conflicted. If I can stay busy and productive, why do I need so much therapy? How is it that I can be doing fairly well all day and I go in at 4pm and fall apart? This feels eerily like when I started therapy -- the hurting that comes on after sessions and hangs around for hours.
Like tonight. There are huge waves of pain and nothing seems to be helping. But I finished writing my grant paper. How can this be? How can I be such an internal mess and external success? Am I indulging myself this hurt? I keep thinking I should try harder to put it away and not go to therapy so much. Most people don't go this much -- what am I doing to myself?
Especially if I don't know how to use therapy to make me feel better right now, why am I still going?
poster:Daisym
thread:609357
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060211/msgs/609357.html