Posted by LG04 on March 22, 2005, at 7:39:48
In reply to Re: countertransference in therapist LONG » LG04, posted by Dinah on March 21, 2005, at 22:13:21
dinah i totally agree with you. i probably worry too much about her needs most of the time. she always gently reminds me it's not my job to take care of her feelings, that it's her responsibility, not mine.
to her defense, in the phone call after she set the boundaries, she explained everything about her countertransference reaction and why she simply had to limit the phone calls to nothing in between. it all made sense to me but inside, i absolutely flipped out b/c it was so sudden and she took away all the regular extra support she had been offering except the main "sessions," and i didn't know what to do. i was so unprepared. i felt like she said, "here are my new boundaries, this is why i need to do it, go deal with it and we'll talk next time." i think she was freaking out a bit inside and was trying to regain a sense of her own control, but in turn it threw me totally out of control.
the issue with me is this:
my little kids are so terrified of her right now. and i have this one voice, a protector voice, that says NO WAY NO HOW will we ever get vulnerable with her again. we will NEVER allow ourselves to get in a position again where one person's actions (in this case, hers, even if she was legitimate in what she did though not so great in how she did it) can throw us into such debilitating pain. this part refuses to even hear her voice, or to allow the little kids "out," which is basically the whole part of me that needs healing, that's vulnerable. they were so so hurt and so so frightened by this. the adult me disappeared from the shock of what happened, and they were left totally unprotected. so the protector voice is in total control now and i feel so emotionally drained that i don't have the energy to fight it. in some ways i WANT the protector voice to take over right now. it allows me to rest a little bit. i'm so exhausted.
but of course this means not speaking to her. and my fear is always this: instead of not speaking to her being a good thing that will lead to a calmer me when we do speak again, i always feel that if i stop speaking to her for a period of time, the fear in me will just grow and i'll never be able to resume contact. (like falling off a horse and needing to get right back on or you'll never do it). that's how i am. this work is so hard that if i stop it, and get used to not doing it, i don't think i'll want to start it up again. and then, yes, i will lose a very, very valuable relationship and someone whom i love.
what would you do dinah? the adult me totally agrees with your take on relationships. it's foreign to me, i'm not good at it, when i'm very hurt i run to the moon, but i want to be able to stay if i can. how can i speak to her if i am basically voiceless from fear? it would be so much easier to just let it all go. these inner voices are SO HARD to fight and they are completely activated again.
(as you can see, i am fairly high on the dissociative scale, though not DID).
THank you so much for helping me with this. you would be a good "therapy impasse consultant." I want to continue the relationship. i just don't know how to do it in the state i'm in.
LG
p.s. and i wrote her an email last night basically telling her all this. it was from my protector voice and then the adult me added a paragraph at the end about how i feel i just don't have the energy to fight this voice right now and i need to take care of these terrified little kids.
poster:LG04
thread:473495
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050315/msgs/473914.html