Posted by mair on March 15, 2005, at 22:20:54
In reply to Re: so what's this all about? (long a trigger ) » mair, posted by Tamar on March 15, 2005, at 17:47:32
I think writing things down would probably be a good idea. I was doing that several weeks ago, after each therapy session becasue I didn't want to forget everything like I usually do. But it's a discipline I have trouble imposing on myself when I'm more depressed. I want to stick my head in the sand and just make all thoughts disappear. Probably if I forced myself to think about things more rationally, I would see that things can get better.
I am ashamed of my illness and I'm ashamed of my work performance. I'm not sure where one stops and the other begins. I'm not ashamed of my illness when its effects aren't manifest. And I don't necessarily excuse my poor work performance as being a byproduct of my depression. At one point I could live with that - I had myself convinced that I could accept several bad months at work and make it up later, because my mental health was so much more important than work. Now that I've been there and done that, doing it all over again seems unacceptable.
I don't want to quit therapy; I just think it's silly to be going when I can't work at it constructively. And it's painful for me to struggle to communicate so much.
In 6+ years with this therapist, I think I've only ever called her once. I'll see how I do at work tomorrow. It's nice to be encouraged to call her; maybe I'll try it although I'm really awful on the phone.
thank you
mair
poster:mair
thread:471416
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050315/msgs/471531.html