Posted by Aphrodite on September 3, 2004, at 8:40:05
Odd that I wrote on this board before my session yesterday that my therapist has to do a balancing act between adult and child Aphrodite. It went so badly yesterday, that all of us wanted to leave.
I have a very critical, cynical adult self who showed up to therapy. I fussed at him about some insurance matters, about his office, about the fact that he babies me and always paints me as "all things good" and my perpetrators as "all things bad." I told him that some of my abuse occurred at an age I could have done something about it, I chose not to, and this suffering is just the consequences of that inaction. I told him I didn't want to be a victim -- that would only feed my self-pity. He responded with equal venom and argued with the cynical adult rather harshly and berated me for abusing the child parts of me. It got rather contentious. Then, to calm down, he wanted me to a visualization we often do to negotiate the different sides, and he ended up getting to the young, abused girl who started crying. She said there was one particular memory that makes her feel shameful and guilty and sad, and she needed to share it. By that time, it was close to the end, and he told her, very gently, that now was not the right time. So she had a temper tantrum, and we all left.
He called me later, and I was a complete mess. I told him it was too much, too hard, I couldn't handle it anymore, and I have barely just begun talking about all of the hard, suppressed stuff. I said I wasn't coming back. He tried to reassure me, but it didn't exactly work. He said he would leave the time open for me and hoped that I would come back. He kept repeating that I needed therapy but that I was "free agent Aphrodite." He said if he thought I was quitting to protect myself, he would understand, but he thinks it's another form of self-abuse and neglect, and he wanted to protect my wounded side from it. (This is my 3rd attempt at quitting. Every time I start to feel dependent, I want to bolt.) At this point, I was crying so hard, I just had to say a meek goodbye and hang up.
This is so, so hard. I was surprised at how much arguing with my cynical side hurt me. I am 90% that skeptical, cynical person, but it has served me well -- it's not all bad like he says. That part of me keeps me from drowning in self-pity, it helps me care about issues greater than myself, it puts things into prospective. And while I err in invalidating my pain, without it I don't think I'd be successful in my career or keep it all together for my kiddo. When I lose control, the critical adult keeps us all from imploding.
I have too much pride to show up to my next appointment. Now we are all terribly alone.
poster:Aphrodite
thread:385941
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040828/msgs/385941.html