Posted by fallsfall on August 23, 2004, at 15:18:33
I think I have figured out what the transference with my therapist is mimicking. I find him extremely critical, it seems like he changes the rules all the time and expects me to know the new rules without telling me, I try to anticipate what will be helpful in therapy (i.e. what does he want?) but often I don't guess right and feel like I have done the "wrong" thing, it feels very important that I please him.
I told him an analogy today. It is like I'm afraid that I will be on a detour and end up driving over a cliff. I am relying on him to tell me what turns to take (though I am driving in the car alone). I describe to him what I see, and he figures out where I am and where I should go. But there are times when I am describing where I am to him and he says "You shouldn't be on that road!". If I had been able to more accurately describe where I was, then he would have been able to give me better directions.
The connection is with my parents (yes, I know, this is not such a surprise). He is playing my father's role, and I am in my mother's role (usually I identify more closely with my father).
This is what life is like between my parents (Or "More than you ever wanted to know about Falls' parents"):
Lunch: Every day at 12:00 they eat lunch. My mother gets a collection of things out of the refrigerator: lunch meat (assorted), cheese, lettuce (a leaf taken off the head and rinsed in the sink), mayonnaise, bread, mustard. Pickles. A container of salad that he pre-made, salad dressing. A plate, knife, bowl, fork. Two packages of cookies. These are put on the counter so that my father can make his sandwich and put salad in the bowl with salad dressing. She tells him when his "things" are ready so that everything will be there when he gets to the counter. She also will bring a collection of fruit to the table with her, and he chooses a piece of fruit when he has finished his sandwich and salad.
The conversation goes like this:
M "Dad, it is time to make your lunch"
D "Is it that time already? I have to finish this article that I'm reading."
M "I have sandwich-meat-1 or sandwich-meat-2, but you should probably finish the sandwich-meat-3 before we open sandwich-meat-2, so it doesn't go bad. Which kind of meat do you want?"
D "...I don't know..."
M "Are you coming?"
He comes to the counter.
D "Where is the mustard? I have to have mustard!"
M "It's right here, behind the mayonnaise."
D "How can I make my sandwich if you haven't given me the lettuce? It needs to be rinsed before I can put it on my sandwich. Comeon, [derogatory pet name], I need the lettuce before the bread goes stale."
She stops making her own sandwich to rinse his lettuce.
D "[derogatory pet name], I wanted the Italian dressing today. Where is the Italian dressing?"
M "I put out these three because they are open already. The Italian hasn't been opened yet. But if you want the Italian, I will get it for you."
D "Well, yeah. I don't know why you didn't put it out in the first place."
He finishes getting his sandwich and salad ready and sits down at the table.
D "Well, aren't you going to eat, too??"
She puts the tops back on the jars, closes up the bags and puts everything back in the refrigerator.
He reaches behind him to get the cookies off the counter, but they are just out of reach. My mother has just sat down at the other end of the table.
D "I can't reach the cookies, you didn't put them in the right place"
She gets up and walks around the counter into the kitchen and brings him the cookies (which she doesn't eat...). He could have stood up, taken one step and reached them himself.
When he has finished eating, he takes his plate and bowl and reaches behind him to perch them on the counter behind them. He gets up, goes back to his chair and picks up his magazine again.
She finishes eating, clears the rest of the stuff off the table and cleans up the kitchen.Driving the car (he drives, she directs/navigates):
M "We are going to Sometown. We'll take route X and then route Y, no, route Z and then route Y. But there may be construction on route X, but there isn't really a better way to go."
D "So where do you want me to go?"
M "Turn left at the end of the driveway. Then turn right on ABC street - towards town"
...
M "We want to take route X north...There is the sign "Route X North - 1 mile"
M "You want the next exit, so you should get over a lane"
He really *does* need this level of direction (honest).
M "Route X North, OK?"
M "You are supposed to be turning here!"
D "Do I take the first Route X exit or the second one?? Why can't you tell me these things in time?"
M "Take the first one! Now!"
D "Geeze. You are supposed to be telling me what I need to do, you know... We almost missed that exit. If that other car had hit us it would have been your fault for not giving me enough notice that we needed to turn."
M "I know... Now we need to look for Route Z. It should be in 14 miles."She is completely powerless. Anytime he isn't happy, it is because "she messed up". When she has done everything right, but it doesn't end up right, she is the one who messed up. When she forgets something (like forgets to take the cheese out), she apologizes, but she is not forgiven. She is the sum of chores that she does for him minus the "mistakes" that she makes.
If she tries to stick up for herself, she is wrong (you can tell this because he calls her "Dumb-Dumb" at times like this). When she sees him doing something wrong ("Close the door on the woodstove, the fire is starting to throw sparks into the room"), she is overreacting and he had it all under control. I'm trying to think if he ever says "Gee, this is a good dinner." or "Thanks for bringing in the mail every day and sorting it into three piles like I like it".
I see my therapist as an impossible to please man who always knows more/better than I do. No matter how hard I try to anticipate what I "should" do, I invariably get it wrong. He tells me that he isn't feeling critical, that he doesn't think that I've done anything "wrong". But then I feel like I am "wrong" for seeing him as critical... Sigh.
poster:fallsfall
thread:381354
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040821/msgs/381354.html