Posted by spoc on April 24, 2004, at 10:58:08
In reply to Sex abuse - effect even if not realized?*pos trigg, posted by shadows721 on April 23, 2004, at 18:02:07
> If it's sexual abuse, yes, it will affect a person. One may not have been "traumatized" by it, but it did affect them. It shapes who they are today. > ..Yes, there will be an effect from this....Like, the woman may feel scared if she sees a man in a store and doesn't know why. To the child inside, stores, men and maybe even toys are considered not safe.> ...If the effect is not cognitively realized, it went into a form of denial for protection. >
---Wow, sometimes it clarifies things quite a bit to be reminded of connections like this, and that effects can show up in problems with things seemingly not related. I can think of some possibilities now, one of which is my long-standing fear of "cliques." Two of the incidents I talked about resulted from having spent my childhood and early adolescence around the most popular girl in town and her minions. It was through her family that I was exposed to those men, and her reaction to it all was either to have me ostracized or to tell me to accept what was happening, that it might even hurt us or her family if I made a fuss. I have never quite understood why I am so cautious of and quick to suspect the priorities and values of what I am also quick to label as "cliques;" because I do it even when most of the signs indicate that nothing is wrong or they even like me. I feel that something foreboding is in the wings and I back off, just in case. Maybe this is why. Good grief, if my last T had ever been able to help me see this himself, it would have been around the year 2010.
And along the lines of the story you told about the child in a store, I also never realized how that kind of thing could pan out in adulthood. Maybe/probably in these unfortunate times, most kids get exposed to something of that nature eventually in childhood years? I don't know, but that example opens up other seemingly minor incidents for me. Like being approached by two "redneck" looking men on a beach during a family vacation when I was, again, about 12; and having them make small talk for a couple minutes then ask me "how much?" It took awhile for me to have any idea what they were talking about, and then I protested, and one said "Uh huh, sure, right, I know better than that."
That had my head spinning for days, thinking at that age that nothing worse could possibly be said to a person, and what did I do to bring it on. Worse, I had indeed just recently been noticing that I was "developing" and was being intrigued by that. Maybe that's even why I soon went on to become overweight for several years following and intermittently since. And I still fight the strange call of slipping back into that cover, for the things it makes "easier."
Wow, lots to think about; maybe I really didn't entirely shape myself after all (not based on this alone of course). This is again where my last T (analyst) experience was a horrendous fit, and I should try again, probably soon. There was no "safety" with him. I am extremely forthcoming in a therapy setting with admitting to things that scare me about myself and make me wonder if I'm a bad person. But he would take those hard-won realizations on my part and seem to focus only on the 'bad character' part of it, rather than laying any groundwork that I was surely at least in part a product of my environment.
I quickly realized that if I confessed to a negative or possibly cold way that I view people or the world, like saying "sometimes I think I have no feelings," his subsequent sparse utterings would show he was stuck on a road of looking for a label to put on me. Rather than helping me examine the roots, and at least making me feel safe that the painful admission didn't actually mean I was a bad person; or had brought the thing on myself; or that it's necessarily what I am and what I do/don't feel at all, instead of just a mechanism by which I can hide from feelings.
This is the kind of reasoning I habitually displayed for him; I often felt like my self-awareness drew a road map for him that could have made our work soooo much easier. But he would never indicate that my reasoning or ability to figure some things out was good. So I started asking him, which he wouldn't answer either and made into another example of me caring too much what people think. As in, why would I want/need to know if what I just said or a lot of what I say makes sense and is sound reasoning? Is it not valid to ask your mental health counselor whether you seem to exhibit sound reasoning???? (????!!!!!) I can't *believe* he made 110% of our failure to connect MY problem.
Anyway I am not strong now even if I suspect my reasoning skills are indeed good. And I am terrified to find a new T and be painfully forthcoming again, and my tendency to qualify every feeling I admit to has increased a hundred fold through having an "expert" seem to view me this way. Sorry, didn't mean to digress! But you are such an astute observer, here and elsewhere. It has been very helpful, including reading what you post to others. :- )
poster:spoc
thread:336255
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040419/msgs/339505.html