Posted by fallsfall on April 22, 2004, at 20:02:29
I think that the undercurrent of my session today was that I often don't feel understood.
We started off with a great example. I had a couple of short bits of good news, and then I said we had some choices about what to talk about (and I listed them). I didn't ask him to choose. I just wanted him to know what seemed important to me today. He then launched into a little speech about how it isn't helpful to plan topics for the sessions - that he wants me to just come in and talk about what "I'm feeling". He reminded me (though I did remember on my own) that HE doesn't want to choose topics - but once in a while he DOES choose a topic, and I wasn't sure that this wasn't going to be one of those days. So, the first thing he said felt critical. Gee, that was one of the topics.
So I tried to do what he asked, just to talk about how I was feeling about it. I told him about my reaction to Monday's session. Even though he had assured me at the end (on Monday) that he wasn't being critical of me, I guess he had no idea how upset I was.
Today I alternated between being distressed (because I was "failing") and being silent (because I didn't want to do it "wrong" again). When I left the session I felt like I couldn't even be "wrong" the right way.
He ended the session by saying that he had no idea what was upsetting me so much. That he wasn't aware of anything on Monday that we talked about that should have been that distressing. Tomorrow he wants me to explain what Monday's session was like for me in detail (gee, wasn't that what I was going to do today?) Great, now I have concrete proof that I'm not understood.
If I have trouble being understood when I try to explain things in a comprehensive way, why does he think he's going to understand me better if I'm rambling and skipping around?
He's going to say that I was just trying to prove to him that I'm NOT understood. But I'm not going to give him that chance. I'm not going to get upset that he didn't understand anything I said. I am going to be patient and tomorrow I will go in and try to explain to him in a logical way why I was so upset on Monday.
I do know that sometimes I'm not understood because I don't give other people enough information about what I am thinking. I know that is my fault - and that doesn't mean that other people aren't *able* to understand me. But I really do try to always give HIM enough information.
Why is it that I can't seem to figure out how to *DO* this therapy thing? Why am I always doing it the wrong way - even when I am trying my hardest to follow his directions? Why does it feel like I just can't win?
Determined not to freak out tonight,
Falls.And why did I have to read this through 3 times, changing a word here, adding a word there, before I would post it?
poster:fallsfall
thread:338953
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040419/msgs/338953.html