Posted by fallsfall on April 25, 2004, at 16:47:29
In reply to Re: Today's session » fallsfall, posted by crushedout on April 24, 2004, at 12:56:22
He started the session out by telling me that he would be out of town on Monday, so I wouldn't see him until Thursday. He was apologetic about having to cancel, and mumbled something about a funeral. He wanted me to know that he would be gone for a "good" reason. He knew I wouldn't like it, but I am a realist, and I know that he does have a life. He said that he didn't have any extra time on Tuesday or Wednesday - so at least he had looked at the options and tried to find a way to see me.
But he called me this morning (Sunday), and said that he would be flying home late afternoon on Monday, and that he could see me at 6. He sort of didn't even ask if I wanted to see him, or if I could - he didn't even ask how I was doing. So I really appreciate that he'll make the time to see me (usually 4PM is his last appointment, I think). He must have been thinking about me this weekend, that helps.
I've been doing OK. The inventory went really well yesterday, we did Juvenile non-fiction. So all we have left to do is Adult fiction - one more afternoon should do it. I've completely buried my issues with him (well, they peek out now and then, but I don't let them out). But I can start to let them back since I'll see him tomorrow.
What is happening is that I am having a major transference with him. I know it is transference because I had the same feelings with my old therapist. The theme is that I don't know what to do in therapy to get better. I don't trust my instincts (because they got me into this mess). My therapist won't tell me what to do (because this is therapy...) When he does suggest things (like "talk more about feelings, do not intellectualize everything"), I try really hard to do what he suggests. But he doesn't like what I try to do - it isn't right, it isn't enough. So, from my perspective, I don't know what to do, he won't tell me what to do, and no matter how hard I try what I do is wrong. And I believe that without "doing therapy right", I will never get better - so it is very much a matter of life or death for me.
Last Monday, I worked harder in therapy than I ever had before. I was trying to describe the struggle between my conscious and unconscious. Only very recently did I even get to the point where I could believe that I HAD an unconscious that could motivate my behavior (everyone else in the world has one, but somehow I believed that I was different!?!?). After an incredibly hard 40 minutes of trying to describe something that I was barely aware of he said "I don't think that the way you are thinking about this will be helpful".
Thursday I tried to explain to him why this was so devistating for me. But I tried to explain it HIS way (by describing feelings - more like free associating, instead of explaining it logically). At the end he said he had no idea why I was so upset. See, I did what he asked and it STILL wasn't right.
So Friday, I described logically what had gone on on Monday. I got fairly agitated and he told me I had to calm down. I had asked if we could check in 5 minutes before the session was up because I had to be able to function for Inventory this weekend. He summed things up by saying that he thought there was some transference going on, that it has something to do with my dad, that the magnitude of my reactions is completely out of proportion to what happened on Monday, that we needed to talk about the process (i.e. transference) rather than the content (i.e. unconscious motivation). I agreed with everything he said. I already knew that, but it hadn't occurred to me to tell him - beause I thought that he already knew it too?? I maintained that I *had* been talking about the process and he did agree with me (so I was doing what I was supposed to do, but it STILL wasn't right). At this point I was still incredibly upset and he wanted to calm me down so I could do the inventory. But I don't really know how to calm down that way. He ended up getting pretty frustrated with me and told me that when the session was about to end and he wasn't going to be able to see me for a while that I had to get my emotions under control - but he denied that I would need to intellectualize in order to do that. He wanted me to flip a switch and be able to just be fine for 6 days.
I think he felt guilty for cancelling my Monday session. I think that he honestly didn't know how upset I was on Monday (it was so obvious to me, and I didn't try to hide it at all, but I guess he was looking at the *content* on Monday and it *shouldn't* have flipped me out, so he assumed that it didn't). He has been quite skilled in helping me with a different transference reaction in the past, so now that he is focused on that I am hoping that we can make some progress.
The support and patience that you Babblers have given me has been really important. I do appreciate it.
poster:fallsfall
thread:338953
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040419/msgs/339903.html