Posted by Joslynn on March 28, 2004, at 10:13:54
Background: I have both a therp and a pdoc. I see the therp once every other wk now. Because she is a female, I don't get that intense transference with her that I have with my pdoc. I see him once every 4 wks for med check and 50 mins therapy. I used to see him more often when things were bad. The transference with him is defiintely there, most likely because my Dad was an active alcoholic when I was growing up, so there are some male issues from that.
Anyway...shortly after my pdoc and I sheduled my next appointment, I was given an opportunity to go to a really worthwhile conference. He has moved my appts around before for things like this, so I thought it would be ok to reschedule. I mean, we're both professionals.
I left a mg telling him I would have to reschedule, & gave him alternate times and two phone numbers to reach me.
Four days went by. I thought maybe he was at a conference himself or on vacation or something and that's why he didn't call back??
So I called again and got his "line is busy leave a msg" outgoing msg. Oh good, I thought to myself, he must be in the office so I will leave a msg asking to reschedule and he will call me back when he gets off the phone.
Hah! Yeah right. Three more days went by.
I called again, he picked up the phone. He said kind of brusquely that he was with a patient andasked was this something that could wait? I said oh sure, I was just calling to reschedule. He said he would have to call back and I said "ok bye" and got off the phone fast.
(He usually has his phone go straight to voicemail when he is with patients, so I don't know why he even picked up? It brought up all these little girl feelings that I bothered him. I hung up and a tear ran down my face. Suddenly I felt like I just can't stand this feeling that maybe he is mad at me for rescheduling or wishes I would forget to reschedule so he would never have to see me again? I suspect this is irrational.)
Anyway, the day went by and he never called back about the appt.
Now I know that there is still time to reschedule, but I feel weird that he keeps blowing me off about something that would be so simple. I am organized and keep a detailed calendar, it would just take two minutes for us to set a new time over the phone. He has rescheduled me, and I always tolerate him being at least 30 mins behind in appointments all the time, can't he do this simple thing?
Now I feel like I can't stand it, he must not really want to see me, and I am sick of feeling like I care so much and have all these yearnings for him to love me somehow and he can't even return a simple phone call?
Yet a couple weeks ago, when I had a mini-meltdown and left msgs on his VM and my therp's VM, he called back that same day and was so sweet and nice to me, and called at a time that must have been really inconvenient for him, from his house, just to talk to me.
Yet now he can't call back about something that is relatively simple?
I am confused. I feel like I want to get the power back and not feel like I am bothering him. I want to stop seeing him altogether. IF he calls again to reschedule, just cheerily say, oh gee, you seem really busy, why don't you just forward my files to my general internist. That way, you won't have to be bothered by me anymore. Bye!
I don't like this feeling, and I am PAYING to have it? Is transference really any good? I want this love from him that I can only get from God. I know I'm not on the spiritual thread, but maybe I should just give on on men (my pdoc, my Dad, dating, etc.) and just realized that men are inconsisten, hot and cold and they will always make me feel small and unwanted.
God wants me even when other men don't. I have to remember that.
I refuse to call my pdoc again. If he doesn't call back to reschedule, I guess I will have to...what? Who will fill out my prescription? Who will listen to me and remind me of all I have to offer/ My therp can do that too, but he is so gentle about it and coming from a man, it feels good, something I am not used to.
I have to send him a check soon, maybe I will enclose a note in the check listing the times that are good to me?
I don't like this. What if I am this big nuisance to him? I'm not going to let it get me down. I'm going to the gym and to run errands.
What do I do now?
poster:Joslynn
thread:329413
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040327/msgs/329413.html