Posted by fallsfall on February 3, 2004, at 20:58:29
Gardener Girl asks if I am "someone who researches things in order to understand more about whatever the topic is?"
Yeah. That is me. I have to understand everything. I think there are a couple of reasons (probably none of them are actually positive...).
I find I read Psychology books obsessively when I'm feeling unsure in therapy. I think that if I understand all the Psychology stuff that I'll be able to either fix it myself, or tell my therapist exactly the things he needs to know to help me. I have come to the conclusion that I read Psych books when I am losing faith in my therapist. (I know I'm in trouble when I have 10 or more books out of the University library at a time)
I'm also finding that my therapist's approval is crucial to my self-esteem (actually, I don't have self-esteem - I am only as good as other people think I am). So I try to be as knowledgable as I can be to show them how smart I am and how hard I'm working. They keep telling me that doing all this reading isn't necessarily a good thing, but somehow I still believe that it will catapult me into their "most impressive patients" list.
I think I've done similar "research" work on other topics in the past, and it actually has helped my life be more successful. But, somehow, psychology is just SOOOO foreign to me that even though I read and read and read, I still just don't seem to get it. I can talk about it, and I usually know what behaviors are more successful in therapy (for other people). But I haven't a clue, for myself, about what I'm supposed to be doing.
I can't count the number of times I've said in therapy "I don't know what you want me to do. Just tell me what to do, please?" But somehow, they never tell me what to do. So I keep guessing and looking for subtle clues that say whether I guessed right or not.
My current therapist has perfected the blank slate look, and I think that I am now panicking because I can't tell whether what I'm doing is good or not, and he won't tell me. So even things that are pretty clearly good seem unclear to me and I oscillate between thinking they are good and thinking they are horrid (just a little splitting mixed in here, too). I think he is withholding clues about what is good or bad because he wants me to be forced to decide for myself. I can't decide for myself because I don't know what the criteria are. I can make decisions about computer programs or washing machines or which kind of dog fits with me the best because I can list the criteria and determine which attributes make something a better choice. I can weigh different attributes (does it matter more how heavy it is, or how fast it is?). So essentially, I can come up with an algebraic expression that I can plug all of the attributes of the different washing machines into to determine which one is best for me.
For some reason, with Psychology, I can't figure out WHAT the attributes are, never mind how to weigh them. I can't even figure out what the final result should be.
Why is it that I can know as much about a topic as I do about Psychology, and I can (maybe too easily) tell everyone else what THEY should do - but I am so very, very lost when it comes to me?
P.S. Gardenergirl - thank you for that question. It helped me to make this issue more concrete in my mind. Those are the questions that will make you a valuable therapist.
poster:fallsfall
thread:309088
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040131/msgs/309088.html