Posted by metalflipflop on January 25, 2004, at 22:14:51
hello all,
i posted pretty recently about my therapist who absolutely blindsided me by refusing me a hug as i was leaving home for my winter break. it had been okay with her before, so it was just so painful for me to really put myself out there to be shot down. it took me well over a year to really trust her anyway, which felt so good until this thing.
anyway, i went in to talk to her about it as soon as i came back here (a week early, and for that purpose). i wrote her two letters while i was gone, just explaining how awful it felt and how confused i was. on the phone she told me she wouldn't read them until i was in front of her, which was missing the whole point. i just wanted her know, to listen. so it was a hellish three weeks. but i saw her, said everything i needed to, and she was like, "liz, i am really going to think on all this; i am so sorry i put you through all this; i know i messed up big time."
i felt so relieved, that she was going to finally get it, to say it's not a big deal for us to hug sometimes. i cannot describe the weight lifted from my shoulders when i left her office.
when i came back the next day (so upset for so long = a lot of appts), she said that she had been inconsistent with me and it had hurt me, so this was how it was going to be: no more hugs except for the last time i ever see her if i want, and NO MORE PHONE CALLS unless i want to hurt myself and it's life-threatening.
ripped into two. that's how i felt. in the year i have seen her, i have been able to call (and i never abuse this privilege) when i am extremely upset for her to talk to me for a couple minutes. not long, just hear her voice and know that she is listening. she said she's never felt i called inappropriately, but that this is "just how it is" from now on. she said this has always been one of her rules.
could it get any worse? i don't know why these changes, i don't know why she is taking supportive things away in a period that, let me tell you, i need to feel i can rely on her. i am learning to allow myself my emotions, good and bad, and knowing that i can call her if something awful happens and i am really upset has been such a comfort. i don't like that the policy stipulates wanting to self-harm--what kind of message does that send? 1. i could lie to get her to talk to me. 2. i could, consciously or subconsciously, reach a point of wanting to hurt myself much sooner (i very, very rarely have done this). it all just feels like such backward steps, so many wrong moves on her part, so much that feels emotionally wrong in my heart, so much that hurts. over and over i tried to tell her why she can't do this to me, that i can't handle it right now and can we re-evaluate all the new rules later. over and over i asked why, saying i need an explanation beyond "b/c i say so". guys, i was so desperate.
it just went around in circles though, and finally i realized--this isn't healthy for me, this is stressing me out beyond belief and my anxiety is through the roof. i'm hurt, i'm so confused, and she isn't helping on either of those counts.
so i told her i needed a break, for some unspecified length of time. maybe if i get some perspective and the wounds don't hurt so bad, i can go back and live with the "new way." somehow i am doubtful though, and it's just horrible b/c i love her to death, she has been so good to me until now. i have been making so much progress in therapy, figuring things out, and though it feels good to have a break from hearing no, no, no from her, i am at a loss without someone to process with. i keep thinking of things i want to tell her, i feel like calling her and scheduling, but then i remember what has happened and i just can't do it. i wrote her one more letter and slipped it under office door, laying everything out, my honest heart and soul, saying that i don't want to lose her over this but can she see the position i am in? the last thing i feel able to do now is start with a new therapist--god, no way. anyway, i'm in college and i have a year and a half here til i'm out--why build another relationship that is going to take the majority of that time?
i want to work with her, i want to preserve this awfully close attachment i feel for her, but i need an explanation. do i deserve that? is it okay for me to need that? i just feel like this is so much more about her issues than about me. it's just that either way i look at it i feel fear and no good options. i am struggling so much, any opinions would be appreciated. i feel so alone again, and it's so familiar, that dread. i learned to trust her, and that trust feels so wrecked. i think we could repair it, but not as things stand now.
=(
thanks for reading,
liz
poster:metalflipflop
thread:305455
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040123/msgs/305455.html