Posted by Lyrical13 on January 21, 2004, at 20:57:47
In reply to Re: need an opinion » Lyrical13, posted by dragonfly25 on January 20, 2004, at 23:10:29
That's a good point, but I don't know if that ever would happen. We have a family that never talks about anything. Ever. More likely what she would get from my brother would be a sarcastic remark, snide comment or she might overhear him saying something to someone else and the tone would not be supportive. It would be blaming, accusatory and along the lines of "you're screwed up. I don't want you around me or my daughter ever again." I dont' know how effective that would be. I was hoping to encourage her to look at how her behavior is affecting her relationships with others and how it could affect her ability to achieve future goals. I was hoping that might motivate her to go back to counseling to work on getting better and getting her meds right. I also wanted to spare her from hearing snide comments made in the heat of the moment when my brother or his wife are angry. In that case, she is more likely to just get angry and hateful towards them and conclude that they don't know what they're talking about and as a result, not examine her own actions but chalk it up to something completely different.
I was upset when I heard my brother and his wife laying all the blame on my sis for their daughter's recent acting out behavior. I acknowledge that my neice is influenced by how both of my little sisters are allowed to talk to their mom and dad and treat other people. But she is also 4 years old and going to preschool where she sees and hears how other kids act. And they have just spent the past year fully immersed in building their house. Their life has been rather chaotic, going back and forth between the new house and the tiny apt. they were staying in which is located in my dad's basement and in and out of home improvement stores. NOt a very consistent structured life for a 3 year old. So while I acknowledge that my sis certainly is an influence, I have a problem with my bro and SIL laying the entire blame on her. If someone blows up at sis, she will take anything they say deeply to heart and be very hurt. She will also probably be angry and think they're jerks and don't know what they're talking about and blame the neice's behavior on everything BUT her. I am basing this on past observations of my sis's behavior, not just mind-reading. I"ve also heard my sis talking about my neice's bratty behavior and I don't think she realizes that she acts just like her. The problem is, neice is 4 and sis is 14! (15 next week)
I don't think anyone else is going to confront sis about her behavior. I don't think anyone else is going to be pro-active or firm on getting her help. She is running the entire house. I think she is upset by her own behavior and the things she does both to herself and to others. I don't remember if I said this already, but on my fridge I have magnetic poetry. We were making up phrases and stuff one day and she wrote "I am the monster". I think that says a lot right there. I see her wavering back and forth between wanting to get help and acting like everything's fine and she doesn't need help. She called me in tears on New Year's Day. We talked a long time. At one point my dad came to her room to check on her and I heard the whole exchange. I heard him trying to talk to her (which is incredible for my dad. He's not a talker. He comes from a family of ostriches). She was so hateful and hostile towards him. I don't know if she realizes that the things she says and does make her life worse than it already is.
Anyway, if my brother were someone who would sit down and have an open, calm conversation with her, that would be very effective. But I don't see it happening. I know I can't fix her, but I am worried that she will self-destruct if no one acts to get her the help she needs.
poster:Lyrical13
thread:301953
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040116/msgs/303947.html