Posted by HannahW on September 11, 2003, at 17:41:43
In reply to Re: Should I get a new therapist?, posted by fallsfall on September 11, 2003, at 16:23:15
Fallsfall--
--As I digested your comments and was writing my responses to them, I found that my perspective changed by the end. I thought about editing out the first part of my responses to you, but decided to leave them in so you could watch the progression of my thought process (if you find that kind of thing interesting)--
> You know that she won't say that, and that she really can't say that. What would she do later if you asked the same question and she didn't feel the same way?
Ouch. Why not? Other people on this board seem to get reassurance from their therapists. Someone even said that she told her therapist that she loved her, and her therapist said it back. (And then followed up about love in the proper context of therapeutic boundaries).
> So it sounds like you are the one who was setting the tone. You are still setting the tone, just not the one you want. Are you protecting yourself against more than rejection? Why does protecting yourself mean that you don't bother to have fun?
I think rejection is the *root* of all I'm protecting myself against. I'm protecting myself from getting too attached, and from her gaining too much power over me. (Were you asking a simple question, or implying something in particular? Can you think of another possibility I'm overlooking?)
I just made a connection today between this sterility and an issue that we're talking about in therapy. As a child, I learned to "close the door" emotionally to people so they couldn't hurt me, and so I maintained control. However, I was still an obedient and dutiful child. I still tend to do that with people and am outwardly emotionless with most people, but still compliant with their expectations of me. I just realized that I have closed the door to my therapist, but am still being the dutiful patient by *talking* about my feelings, but not being willing to experience any with her.
Talking about this with her and getting through it will be a major breakthrough. Albeit, an excruciating one. Ugh, I have to tell her she hurt me, when I don't want her know she has the power to do that. Yuck.
> > I want to visit with her in a mutual, two-way relationship and talk about semi-superficial things, but I don't want to bare my soul to her in a one-sided relationship.
> >
> What you want is not conducive with effective therapy. I'm sorry.
>
I know. :( I was saying I want a personal relationship, not a professional one. And I know I can't have that, either.
> My current therapist is much more blank slate than my former therapist was. I really have no idea what he is thinking most of the time. We have done some good work together, despite that. I have no idea if he likes me. His "face" is also keeping me from getting too dependent (which has been a real problem for me). So I think that there can be advantages of less warmth. Though my former therapist made me feel very cozy (and I miss that).That's a helpful perspective. It's interesting to think that all along she might have been letting me set the tone of our meetings, but I have interpreted her flatness as evidence that she's unhappy, or she just doesn't want to do therapy with me. When all along, she might have been just reflecting me.
You know, between today's insight about the closed door and your "tough love reality check," I am actually feeling hopeful that my therapy with her will end up meeting the needs that lie *underneath* the needs that I only *thought* I wanted her to meet. If that's what she's planned all along, then she's really a much better therapist than I've been giving her credit for.
I don't think I could have reached this point without you, fallsfall. I'm really grateful for your wisdom and experience. Thank you!
Hannah
poster:HannahW
thread:258948
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030905/msgs/259157.html