Posted by fallsfall on September 11, 2003, at 16:23:15
In reply to Re: Should I get a new therapist?, posted by HannahW on September 11, 2003, at 10:40:31
> Dinah and Fallsfall--
>
> You're both right that I should talk to her about my feelings of rejection, and I think I can do that. I can let the outcome of that discussion help determine whether I should find someone else. If I could control her response (while keeping within those darn boundaries), she would say, "...but I do enjoy you and care about you." I don't think she will, though. She's just not that warm and fuzzy.You know that she won't say that, and that she really can't say that. What would she do later if you asked the same question and she didn't feel the same way?
>
> Is my need for that reassurance an emotional flaw that needs to be worked through, or is it perfectly normal and a flaw of hers for not giving it?I think your need is normal, and that she is correct to not give in. Really stinks, doesn't it? I think it is part of the blank (or partially blank) slate.
>
> Our therapy sessions have felt so sterile. I really don't enjoy them, and leave feeling somewhat empty. In our medical appointments, we used to laugh and joke and visit (although always at my instigation). Now that I'm protecting myself from her, I don't bother to put any effort into being funny and enjoyable.So it sounds like you are the one who was setting the tone. You are still setting the tone, just not the one you want. Are you protecting yourself against more than rejection? Why does protecting yourself mean that you don't bother to have fun?
>
> I want to visit with her in a mutual, two-way relationship and talk about semi-superficial things, but I don't want to bare my soul to her in a one-sided relationship. I'm perfectly willing to bare my soul to another therapist, I'm just not sure about her. It's not too hard for me to respond to her questions and put labels on my feelings, etc., but I think the most effective therapy requires me to actually experience and share the emotions. That's the hard part for me.
>What you want is not conducive with effective therapy. I'm sorry.
> Do good therapists always connect emotionally with their clients? Or is it possible for therapy to be effective in a more detached manner? Everyone on this board's therapists sound so warm, and I wish that for myself.
>
My current therapist is much more blank slate than my former therapist was. I really have no idea what he is thinking most of the time. We have done some good work together, despite that. I have no idea if he likes me. His "face" is also keeping me from getting too dependent (which has been a real problem for me). So I think that there can be advantages of less warmth. Though my former therapist made me feel very cozy (and I miss that).> In the end, although I'm considering finding a new therapist because I'm not sure I'll get what I need from her (if indeed I truly need what I think I need), I'm terribly afraid that if I talk to her about not getting what I need she'll agree with me and suggest I find someone else. That would feel like another rejection. <heavy sigh>
You need to recognize that she is a professional. One of her responsibilities is to refer patient who she can't help. If she says that she thinks that you would do better with someone else, that doesn't mean that she doesn't want to work with you. It means that she thinks that your health will improve faster with someone else. If she DIDN'T refer you when she thought she couldn't help you that would be malpractice.
>I know that my need to take of my therapist is cause for concern. In the research I've done on transference, I've found that there are many different "patterns." Mine seems to be transference with a codependency pattern, which makes me want to take care of her. Since that's pretty typical for me, it seems likely that I will have a similar issue with a new therapist.
So this codependency will be there with anyone. OK, that's something you will work on. Sounds like that part doesn't factor into the decision on whether to change therapists.
If I take care of someone, won't they like me better? (I know the real answer to that--NO!) That's the very ineffective relational strategy I'm stuck in.
In particular, a therapist won't like you better because they will see it as a problem to be solved. I understand why the rest of the world would like you better if you take care of them... Maybe we have something in common!
You have excellent insight into what is going on. It sounds like you are strong enough to be honest with your therapist. Honesty in both directions will give you the best outcome.
Good Luck
poster:fallsfall
thread:258948
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030905/msgs/259137.html