Posted by HannahW on September 10, 2003, at 22:26:43
I'm at a loss for what I should do. I don't want to make any stupid mistakes, and I also don't want to waste my time.
Right from the start, I should confess that I have been obsessed with my pdoc/therapist, although I feel that's tapered off tremendously. Up until a few weeks ago, I had seen her for meds only. Since my parents are deaf, I'm exceptionally sensitive to non-verbal statements of people. During our meds-only time, I kept picking up on things that made me think that a) she's got some problems of her own (I don't know what) and b) she's a lot like me. (Although it's true that I could be projecting, she has pretty much confirmed that she's got her own stuff going on.)
Anyhooo, I was really intrigued by her unspoken statements and wanted to know her better. (Remember, this is all pre-therapy.) We had a very fun and easy relationship, not too deep, and I suggested that we end our professional relationship and go out for coffee instead. Immediately, she said she couldn't do that, but when I pointed out that we hadn't begun a therapeutic relationship, she said she'd talk to her colleagues about it. A couple of days later, she called me and said she couldn't "change gears" and have a personal relationship. Of course I say I understand, no big deal. Secretly, I'm hurt. She didn't say it was unethical, or that her colleagues thought she was crazy for considering it, but instead it felt like more of a personal rejection.
I've seen her for therapy twice now. I'm able to tell her the things I think she's looking for, but I can't really open up to her emotionally. In other words, I can verbalize my emotions to her, but I can't actually FEEL them in her presence. I don't have that level of trust in her. How can I trust someone who has already rejected me?
When I brought up the issue of trust, and whether I'd be able to trust her. (All of my friends and neighbors are doctors, so I think of her as my equal, and not some unattainable authority figure.) If she wasn't my equal, I said I'd probably be able to speak freely, she would say all the right doctor-things, and I wouldn't care what she really thought of me. As my peer, though, I do care what she thinks, and I said that requires a different level of trust, which I don't currently have. She seemed really confused by what "trust" meant and thought I was referring to confidentiality or something. She came closer to the truth when she referred to me needing to know I wouldn't be judged, but I couldn't really explain it better. I know everyone here knows what I'm talking about though. How do I express it? Does the fact that I need to express it send up red flags? She did say that the fact that I care about what she thinks is good (as opposed to a more sterile doctor-patient relationship) because it will help me deal with my stuff where I also care what other people think.
Since she's rejected me before, it will be very difficult to open up and risk her rejection again. I might be able to get over that, but then again, I might not.
She really does seem to have some problems going on in her life, and I'm afraid to contribute to her problems. I don't know what's going on with her, but it's like she has two faces. There's the fun, easy-to-talk-to person that I enjoy so much, and then there's the purely clinical, nothing-but-business person that doesn't come anywhere near touching my heart.
Her treatment plan for me suggested a session every 2-4 weeks. When I expressed concern that that wasn't often enough (and referenced all of you who talk about your therapists always being there for them, and seeing your therapists up to twice a week), she agreed to see me more often. But psychiatry is underserved in my town, and her schedule is absolutely crazy. When I expressed my feelings of guilt for taking up so much time, she just said that she wasn't worried about it. What I really wanted her to say she WANTED to see me that often. As it is, the best I can hope for is once per week, if I schedule a month in advance.
On the positive side, she is often insightful and makes me think of connections between things that I've never thought of before. I love the idea of having the same person monitor my meds and do therapy. When I'm in session with her, I do not feel obsessed with her, and as I said before, she's been so clear about there being zero chance of any mutually meaningful interactions between us, that the obsession is waning.
With all of that said, should I stick this out and see how it progresses? Does it look hopeful to you, or hopeless? At the same time, I do and I don't want a new therapist, so I don't know what to do. I don't know how much of my desire for a new therapist is based on me wanting to run from my feelings of rejection, and how much of it is just being smart that we might not be a good match. I can see myself ending up with a love/hate relationship with her in the future. I don't know if that's good or bad.
Hannah
poster:HannahW
thread:258948
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030905/msgs/258948.html