Posted by ChicagoKat on September 26, 2012, at 7:12:11
In reply to Re: I'm in trouble » AlexCanada, posted by SLS on September 26, 2012, at 5:57:12
> I agree with the sentiments of others that there is something wrong with your marriage relationship. We, here, cannot really know the dynamics of your relationship and identify potential contributions of you and your husband towards your current crisis of feelings.
>
> As for me, I can appreciate the frustration and exaspiration that a husband can experience when acting as a caretaker for his wife, especially when children need caretaking, too. However, something is very wrong when a husband agrees to help his wife to commit suicide, especially while she is in a depressive state. Fortunately, there are resources that one can use to work through those psychosocial issues that exist within the marriage, including the psyche of each individual. If your husband is willing to go for marriage counseling, I would urge you to take advantage of this opportunity. Eventually, this counseling might lead to some individual treatment.
>
> One day, while taking reboxetine, I told my parents that I needed to get my affairs in order. I told them that I wanted to hide as much money as possible so that I could bequeath it to family members rather than have it consumed by the state to pay for my burial. They listened to every word I said and made no attempt to act on this infomation. They pretty much just said "Okay". WTF? It became obvious to me that they were burned-out. They had nothing left to deal with my illness as adults. So, I imagine they used denial as a mechanism against the truth that their son was to commit suicide. By that time, they might have been numb and areactive so as to prevent the bubble of denial to burst.
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> Of course, there is the possibility that, as adults, they truly thought that I would be better dead than alive. However, they didn't so much as ask me a single question nor attempt to suggest that I go for help as an immediate intervention. Oh, well. The thing is, I knew they cared. They tried. However, after 35 years of unremitting severe depression and academic and vocational failure they may have become desensitized.
>
> ChicagoKat, you can't blame yourself and you can't blame your husband, regardless of the outcome of your marital crisis. There is cause and effect. Your husband might have been emotionally abused or neglected, or even bullied as a child. So, is he truly responsible for turning out to be the person he has become? However, the immediate issue is not about his past. It is about yours. It is about you and the history of your relationship with your husband past and present. How can you change the course of your life to make a better future for yourself? Given that there are children to consider, the question, "Should I stay or should I go?", becomes immensely difficult to deliberate.
>
> I think it makes sense to set as your first priority the treatment of your psychobiological illness. At the same time, you could use individual psychotherapy to begin to reconcile your past and honestly evaluate your thoughts and feelings about the present that you don't want and the future that you do want. After the passage of a relatively short period of time, I would then urge your husband to join you in couples counselling using the same psychotherapist.
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> I wish the best for you. I don't know what that is, though.
>
> If you had your choice do act today, knowing that the dynamics within your marriage would never change, what would you do?
>
> Hint: Suicide is not an option.
>
>
> - ScottScott,
Thanks for your response. Your words brought tears to my eyes b/c it seems our situations are so similar. The only difference being I don't have children. I wish I did, but I'd probably just screw them up b/c I'm so depressed and the cycle would never end. I have suffered from decades of depression. It used to respond to meds, but a year and a half ago they gave out on me. Then I tried ECT. What a nightmare. Not only did it not help, it made things worse. I still have flashbacks to it and bad dreams about it. My therapist says I am suffering from PTSD from it.
Anyways, I have absolutely the best therapist in the world. She sees me 3x per week and only chargest one co pay. And she is there for me day and night. She really cares, and is really getting to the root of my depression which began from a Mom who never showed she loved me - I can't remember her ever hugging me, but I can remember her yelling at me, even at a very young age to stop crying. Plus there was the fact that my Dad was an alcoholic, and the fact that they were going through a very nasty divorce when I was young. I'll never forget the fighting. I often ask myself, and my therapist, why is it that I succumbed so badly to all of this? There are plenty of people out there who had it bad, if not worse, during childhood, and they are fine. My brother is a case in point. He is a bit eccentric, but otherwise fine,and very successful.My therapist says I was just predisposed to reacting to all the negativity badly..that I am so sensitive that I took it all to heart, plus I was the peacemaker of the family. I always, even when I was 4, tried to stop my parents fighting. And, still at that young age, I tried to make my Mom feel better when she was crying. It should have been the other way around. My therapist says since I was the eldest I tried to shield my brother from it all, and he has told me he just ignored it all. Wish I had done so.
So anyways, long story short, I'm a mess. I really hope the Nardil helps. But I have a suspicion it's the psychotherapy that's really gonna help in the long run. It may take years, but it is more than just a band aid for my problems.
I have come to the conclusion that I married a man who is emotionally distant and non-nurturing just like my Mother. He has agreed to go to counseling and we are going to see my therapist together on Saturday. He does have lots of other wonderful qualities (most important of which is he does not beat the sh*t out of me like my 1st husband did) but I need somone who can be there for me emotionally. Maybe he can learn to do that through counseling, maybe not. We'll see. FOr now I'm gonna concentrate on getting myself better.
Oh, and as far as family being sick of hearing of your misery as you mentioned, the same goes for me. I sometimes feel so damn alone, none of my loved ones want to hear about it anymore. So that is why when I was in crisis the other night I posted here on psycho babble. I've learned this forum is filled with people who are like me and who understand what I'm going through.
Thanks again for your kind post, and I really, really, truly hope that you find an answer that will help you. You are such a kind person you deserve to feel some happiness in your life. And the story you told about planning your suicide and telling your parents you were gonna hide the money broke my heart. You deserve better.
All my best,
Kat
poster:ChicagoKat
thread:1026549
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20120922/msgs/1026701.html