Posted by pretty_paints on February 3, 2005, at 14:16:57
Hi Ed,
How are you? I didn't get back to you coz I didn't actually do what you said (blush). I mentioned it to the doc but he said to stay as I was.
So now it stands as, I'm on 10mg Abilify in the morning and 450mg Seroquel at night. I have found that the spots have stopped coming and the itching is less. The nausea I had on the weekend has gone and overall, I am feeling a lot better.
On the subject of my mind, it is more difficult. I am certainly feeling more activated. I've been doing a lot of stuff like painting, making things, going out - but I think this has more to do with restlessness (kind of like "I don't know what to do with myself!") than actually "regaining interest" in all of these activities.
I find it very difficult to monitor my thoughts and delusions. They build up very cleverly. And they usually come masked in a different disguise so that I cannot recognise them. I believe "ok, I know I have delusions about THIS", so I won't believe that specific thing, but meanwhile other stuff with be starting to form. I just cannot control it. I know that last week I was feeling VERY scared and out of control, I didn't feel safe at all. It was like being on a drugs trip (not that I've ever taken street drugs, but you know what I mean!). But this week I am feeling calmer and less scared. Slightly less confused. Still just trying to do what my pdoc advises and that's DISTRACTION. Do something else, think of something trivial, DON'T INDULGE THE DELUSIONS. Since I don't know what are delusions and what is the truth, I just simply try to avoid deep thinking altogether, and just chat to someone or try and do something. Sometimes it is hard, but you just keep trying.
So as for how my mind is, I can't really comment. I hear people come on here going "I feel like everyone wants me dead! Everyone wants to kill me!" or "Everyone's talking about me" or whatever. I don't know how they can do that, I certainly can't. I can never open up like that while the thoughts are actually happening. The thoughts are the truth as far as I'm concerned, and there have been delusions in the past which have been horrendous to bear. Like when I thought my cousin had raped me and him and my mum were in collaberation against me. When people write about it, it all seems so ridiculous and overblown. But when it was going on, it was very soft, very careful, and it absolutely made sense. It was very real to me, so I went through all the horror of trying to deal with having been raped, then having to deal with the threat posed by my mum and my cousin. I just cannot explain how clear and logical it seemed to me. It was a logical conclusion to the things I was experiencing. When people talk about delusions, it can sometimes seem so black and white. They always seem so OBVIOUS. But it absolutely is not like that for me. They develop gradually, and attach themselves in with big wide roots, and they absolutely will not be shifted.
Oh anyway, the conclusion of all of this is that basically I don't know how my thoughts are. I can't tell. I DO feel a little calmer and less confused since I started Abilify. The 450mg Seroquel on it's own was causing a bit of a spack-out for me. But then I dunno, that could all be the placebo effect, maybe 10mg is too low a dose to have any effect.
In terms of voices (I have always known that the voice is my own, I don't believe it's external), there is more general chatting and commentary on things, which I cannot stop or control. It is going on most of the time, but since the voice is not saying derrogatory things or telling me to do evil stuff, I can sort of cope with it.
Anyway, this is how things are up till now. I will keep you posted, but it's difficult to as I don't believe anyone will really be interested in me or my experiences. So I feel it is presumptious of me to do a post like "This is how I'm getting on", because it's like I'm saying "oh yeh, everyone's dieing to know how I am!", when I don't really believe they're that bothered.
But I will try to keep posting.
Thanks for thinking of me!
poster:pretty_paints
thread:452494
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050202/msgs/452494.html