Posted by pretty_paints on February 4, 2005, at 13:38:38
In reply to Re: To Ed (and anyone else!) - Update on how I'm doing » pretty_paints, posted by ed_uk on February 4, 2005, at 8:45:47
First of all to Ed in response to your post - No that's not why I'm called pretty paints. I do like painting although I don't think I'm very good. I chose my name one day just by going "hmm, ok, I need a name, well I'll put pretty, and then, I need something pretty?" and I thought "well paints are pretty" since you get lots of colours etc. So that's why I'm pretty paints!! Most people think I'm pretty pants, hmm. Particularly guys. (yawn yawn). Yes it was a horrible delusion to have, I don't really see the cousin involved although I would be okay with seeing him now. No I don't hear the voice with my ears, it's just in my head. But pdoc knows this. I went to see my GP today, GOD what a nightmare. Anyway, long story short: I'm going up to 15mg Abilify and I'm gradually coming off the Seroquel over like a week or so (maybe bit more).
Anyway. I'm now going to type the truth to you. The honest truth about Katie. I didn't bother for ages coz 1) its a long story and I didn't want to go into it all, 2) I didn't really know anyone on babble so I didn't see the point in bothering, and 3) it's really really hard to do, so I avoided it.Anyway here is the truth. Well I am suffering from mental illness, and this has been put down as "a psychotic illness". But the truth is, I WANT to have a diagnosis, I want to have something serious like manic depression or schizophrenia. This is because I believe that people won't bother with me otherwise.
Ok, with me it has always been a combination of therapy and meds. I think. I mean I don't even know. This whole year has been about not knowing, and slowly I am trying to figure everything out and put it in it's place. The therapy stuff goes a little like this. I have never had anything AWFUL in my life. Nothing obvious that would warrant therapy. However, through therapy I have found out that my mum is a very different character to me. She is not at all affectionate and quite cold. She is not touchy-feely at all and sometimes seems a bit elsewhere. We have a lovely family, and mum and I get on well now. Also, my mum was never a BAD mum. It's just her character. Like, me and my dad are similar, and my brother and my mum are similar.
But basically my therapist thinks that as a result of this, I have never felt I was "enough" just on my own. I did a lot of stuff when I was little to get attention (subconciously). I used to hold my breath till I collapsed. And over the years, I think I worked out that to get attention I had to be good. Good at things. Maybe this is why I got 10 A*s at GCSE or my a-level results, or maybe why I got into Cambridge. I wanted acceptance by my mum. So I always had to be "Katie plus 10 A*s" or "Katie plus Cambridge" or "Katie plus foreign travelling"....or even as I got older, "Katie plus a nice bag or a nice pair of shoes". I was never enough as just "Katie".
Anyway now I figure out that it is this feeling which wants me to be "Katie plus schizophrenia". I feel like people won't want me or accept me if I don't get a diagnosis. I know this seems weird, and I recognise it as that, but I can't help it. I just desperately want it to be the case that I have something definitive. That's why it's been so hard when people on babble have come back to me saying they think I haven't got this or that. You know?
Anyway. As I worked this out with my therapist, it started to get me worried, as I realised I would tilt things my way with the psychiatrist to get the diagnosis I wanted. I realised I had been doing this all my life. SO I decided to put a stop to it. It is what I am doing now with my therapist. I don't know how much you know about therapy, but basically it's like she's trying to re-do the relationship with me. She tells me that she will be here for me whether I get a diagnosis or not. She will care about me and give me attention whatever the outcome. So I have to try and be brave, and try not to NEED this other part. I find it hard because it is deep in me, this need to be Katie-plus-something-else.
But obviously therapy is all about trying. So I am REALLY trying.
To start with, I told my therapist that I had lied about some of the psychotic symptoms. Then after talking about it with her, I realised that my psychiatrist needed to know all this too. Plus, telling her would be another good step as I was exposing myself to what I feared most, that none of them would bother with me once they knew I'd been lieing. So each of these was a step. This too is also a step, telling you guys, my third step if you like.
I wrote this massive letter to my pdoc. I haven't actually seen her since and she won't have seen it yet as she had to go into hospital, so left work. However the consultant doctor I saw has read it. I might be changing over to her, I don't know yet, I find out monday. If not, I continue with my old doc.
Ever since, I have tried really hard to be honest. But it is so difficult trying to decode WHY I am saying something. Is it true? Or is it not? Every time I get weird thoughts I think, is this really what I'm thinking? Or do I just want the doc to think I am more ill than I really am?
There was one main thought I lied about to my pdoc. I didn't really give my pdoc much eye contact. This was just because I felt disconnected or embarrased. However, I said it was because I thought she could read my mind. In my letter to my pdoc, I explained that this was a lie.
I told my parents and therapist all about that too and they encouraged me to be honest with my pdoc and that she wouldn't mind.
Ever since then I have tried to be as honest as I can. My therapist now believes that I won't try to bend things. I don't know if I will or not. Everything I have written about on babble has been the truth. Everything I have talked about with the doctors since my letter has been the truth. Everything I've lied about, I've pretty much told them.
This is a new start. Me. I will try to be Katie and to be honest, even if that means no diagnosis. And slowly in therapy I will learn that I don't NEED a diagnosis for people to love me.
**************
The reason I am telling you all this is that I went to read my notes today. Not my detailed notes that my pdoc makes, but my GP notes. My pdoc sends him letters every time we have an appointment. It was hard to read, as I guess it is hard for most people to read stuff about themselves. What I am worried about is that my pdoc wrote to my GP about two main delusions. One, the eye-contact thing. And two, one about my nan. The first was obviously a lie. The second was just a fleeting thought I had had, not a solid belief. So this is why I am worried. Out of all the other delusions and issues, she picks these two as the most important. And now when she finds out one is not true, and I know that the second was not a solid firm belief, so does that mean I'm not really ill? I know there were loads of others that she hasn't specifically mentioned, but she obviously thought these two were the most important and now she will be angry with me, and worse still, consider me not ill.
Things are really hard. I feel worried too that you lot will be dissapointed with me. That you will feel I've deceived you in some way. I'm really sorry if you feel like that. But most things I've written on here are true. I've never actively lied. If I did it was probably small, and because I didn't notice. I never intentionally set out to decieve anyone. All the stuff about the delusions has been true.
But about the small possible lies, I can't help the way I acted. Well, no, that's wrong, I CAN. I just didn't know why I was acting in certain ways until recently. And even now that I know, it doesn't make it any easier to do, to tell the truth. Perhaps that is why I am telling all you guys, to take another step. It's still hard every time though.
Anyway. The notes today. I was terrified they were gonna read "Katie isn't ill, she just wants to be". I know I lied in the past but I have squared all that away now and they still seem to think I have an illness, so at least now I am being honest. Of course to me, that is good news, I want an illness. But slowly I hope in time, I will learn that I DON'T need to have an illness. I will be okay with it, whether I have an illness or not.
Ed, that is why about the voice, I made sure that the pdoc knew exactly what type of a "voice" it was! I was tempted to go, "yeh I can hear it with my ears as external" type of thing. But I don't. So I explained exactly how it was. It's very hard to do still, but i am trying (rather crapply).
The diagnosis as it stands says "psychotic illness with depressive features". This has been made just in the last 2 months, and has been verified AFTER I explained all about the lies.
See, why am I telling you guys that?? I don't need to! It's because I think you'll shun me if I'm not ill. Silly really.
Before, it read psychotic NOS - is that non-specific psychosis?? Ed?? Mr Brain??
So I am pleased about that, I am ill. BUT from now on it is different, I will tell the truth, no matter if that means I drop the diagnosis. I will try real hard.
What does it mean "psychotic illness with depressive features?". What diagnoses could it include other than the obvious schizophrenia that I want? (but am trying not to want).
I feel really embarrased now. I wish I could screen this post so that just Ed and Phillipa and a few others could view it. I don't want my revelations out there for the world to see. I hope you guys can reply, coz I'm gonna be really nervous about all of this. I hope you're not too angry or dissapointed in me. I hope you will admire me for being honest?
By the way, do you think my pdoc will be angry when she reads the letter? (consultant has already read it, but not normal doc). Will she be mad? Dissapointed? My mum and dad say that she's a doctor, she deals with all sorts, and she will have come across this before. What do you think? I'm so scared. Do you think other people have had this? Do you think others act the way I do, wanting a diagnosis?
On top of all this of course, and all the "not feeling enough on my own" ASIDE, I do want a diagnosis for MY peace of mind. Well actually, what I've had so far is enough really. It explains away all the background noise (metaphor, not real background noise!) I've had for years. It explains away why life was such a merry-go-round. And antipsychotics have given me back my life. I was depressed before coz I thought "this is my life. This is what life is like". Now I know that this is not the case, and AP's can make it so much like it used to be, years ago.
That and therapy, and hopefully I will get there. I will keep trying. Hard.
Thanks for reading xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
poster:pretty_paints
thread:452494
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050202/msgs/453200.html