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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Phillipa on October 20, 2007, at 0:36:22
In reply to Why not end it?, posted by Maxime on October 18, 2007, at 19:35:39
Maxie bad day? I'm sorry. Zoloft not working yet? Phillipa
Posted by alienatari on October 20, 2007, at 0:36:22
In reply to Why not end it?, posted by Maxime on October 18, 2007, at 19:35:39
Sorry to hear that your still going through a hard time after all these years. I know you have tried practically everything medication wise, maybe therapy will help? Try to hang in there *hugs*
Take care
> Why not end it? Why prolong this suffering? I am always going to be trying to find something to give me some relief from my depression. I am always going to have to deal with an eating disorder.
>
> I hate this time of year.
>
> I hate work.
>
> I hate me.
>
> I hate my life.
>
> How can I end it?
>
> Maxime
Posted by Dragon Black on October 20, 2007, at 0:36:22
In reply to Why not end it?, posted by Maxime on October 18, 2007, at 19:35:39
our suffering is the sacrifice we make for those who would be devastated by our loss; its degree is the measure of our love for the people in our life. and our love for ourself, even if it is obscured by our present self-loathing. One might argue that it does little good for me to tell you that the desperate tone and verbiage of your post are merely depression poured out on paper. I'm not going to sit here and tell you about the power of positive thinking, self-fulfilling prophecies, etc. You already know all that. Such platitudes are beside the point when one is deeply depressed. But I do ask you to take a step back, try to clear your mind from the thoughts that spring from depression. You cannot predict the future and you have no way of knowing whether your dire predictions will turn out to be true. There are plenty of reasons for hope, not the least of which is the exponential increase in technology and understanding of neuroscience. Your ability to remain positive, or at least open to the possibility of solutions to come, and hang in there and try, despite years of frustration and pain, will prove a strong determinant to ensuring that your dire predictions never become more than words on an internet message board.
Answers and peace are in your future, and believing so is half the battle. Hang in there. You are not alone. And never forget: the sun also rises.
> Why not end it? Why prolong this suffering? I am always going to be trying to find something to give me some relief from my depression. I am always going to have to deal with an eating disorder.
>
> I hate this time of year.
>
> I hate work.
>
> I hate me.
>
> I hate my life.
>
> How can I end it?
>
> Maxime
Posted by your#1fan on October 20, 2007, at 0:36:22
In reply to Re: Why not end it?, posted by alienatari on October 18, 2007, at 21:37:11
maxi,
you know that depression is your enememy, its tries to destroy your life and yourself. Its a demon, it can be a spiritual influece, this is because i have read on it.
I hate to ask this religious..............
I know you have been through so much.
But can you talk to a priest? or a pastor, the severe depression and the eating disorder, and pray to be healed,
There Catholic Psychiatrists that can help you. But as i said this is a disclaimer, i dont know what your religious beliefs are.
You know depression can be another thing if nothing has worked, i mean the reason im saying this, because all the psychitric treatment you have been through.... lets look to a higher sorce.
Talk to maybe your pastor?
ure abosute #1 fan
Posted by your#1fan on October 20, 2007, at 0:36:23
In reply to The Why., posted by Dragon Black on October 18, 2007, at 22:19:20
thanks that was really put well.
Thanks dragon, maxime has been suffering and needs support, from anyone.
My personal note to maxime, your very special and never think your not worthy enough. Im your #1 fan. And it will stay that way.
Posted by Sigismund on October 20, 2007, at 0:36:23
In reply to Why not end it?, posted by Maxime on October 18, 2007, at 19:35:39
I don't think there's a reason, Maxi, nor, actually, do I think there's a lot of hope.
Which leads me to ask what you are asking yourself.
I suppose eventually some people just say 'enough' and some keep going, but I don't think it's really a subject for rational analysis, and if it were lots of us would take appropriate action.
Why then live? Beats me.
Maybe the question is really when is enough enough.
In 'normal' good lives, 'enough' comes in its own good time when it's time to die at the end of life.
For us? I don't know.
All we can do is to try to give each other a little comfort, strength and knowlege.
It won't last forever.
Posted by Netch on October 20, 2007, at 0:38:09
In reply to Why not end it?, posted by Maxime on October 18, 2007, at 19:35:39
> Why not end it? Why prolong this suffering? I am always going to be trying to find something to give me some relief from my depression. I am always going to have to deal with an eating disorder.
>
> I hate this time of year.
>
> I hate work.
>
> I hate me.
>
> I hate my life.
>
> How can I end it?
>
> MaximeMaxime, please get hospital care.
It can all get better... one step at a time/Netch
Posted by beachbum on October 20, 2007, at 0:38:09
In reply to , posted by on December 31, 1969, at 18:00:00
Oh Maxine I remember you from when I was here around 3 yrs ago; I'm so sorry you're still not finding relief. I know then and I see now, so many care about you. I remember you tried to help me.
The question..hmm..I think most of us go through this. I know I do. dragonwolf is right though, we need to try to hang in for our loved ones. I just think esp of my mom. I know it might not make sense when you are in the depths of despair.
I already started on my 'nightmare' for the next winter months. I hate this time of year also. Been off work again for a week and have not found anything that works for years so I continue to get worse with this cycling. I know come Feb. or Jan. I will again miss many weeks of work, feel like an idiot, cause no one understands how I can be so 'sick'. Also am hating my job which is so stressful and probably isn't helping my BP any but can't make the money I need elsewhere.
I'm not trying to talk about me, just saying I understand; I have been worse and have tried to ###. As hopeless as I feel now I can look back and am so glad I didn't.
I don't know what your beliefs are but I believe one day this will all be over and I will be happy with my Lord even though now my faith is rock bottom again. Maybe I'm not allowed to say this and I apologize in advance.
I just woke up from a 'weird' sleep, many more hrs than what I'm used to and not quite 'here' yet but clicked on here and in my heart had to write you. Maybe that's a good thing cause when I'm 'with it' I worry that people will think what I wrote is stupid, so I don't write, BUT I want you to know another cares bout you and understands, even though I don't know how to help.
{{hug}}
Posted by beachbum on October 20, 2007, at 0:38:09
In reply to Re: Why not end it? » Maxime, posted by Netch on October 19, 2007, at 5:26:18
'short and sweet' but yea totally agree that's the best answer to your question, go get help
Posted by Racer on October 20, 2007, at 0:38:09
In reply to Why not end it?, posted by Maxime on October 18, 2007, at 19:35:39
I don't know. I'm right there with you right now, and it's a question I'm asking myself, too.
So far, my only answer is "curiosity." I wonder what comes next? That, and I have classic melancholic depression, so I get to feeling a bit better at night. For some reason, it doesn't seem right to do anything in daylight, and by the time it's dark, I'm often feeling less dire than earlier in the day. Right now, at noon, I think that's a bad thing. I know that I felt better once, and was glad I hadn't done what I'd had in mind. Right now, at noon, I don't feel that way. Later tonight, I probably will feel that way again. Not "well," but not *as* bad as I do now.
I can't answer your question. I'm glad you're here, and wish you didn't feel this bad. The only suggestion I have for you, which is certainly not a solution, is therapy. I can't say that I am better for it, but I find the time I spend with my therapist rather comforting. Even though I often dread going, and even though I very often hate it while I'm there, it's also comforting for me. I know that *I'm* better for it, although I can't say my life is better for it. If therapy is an option for you, or if you can make therapy an option for you, it's worth trying it again. The key, of course, is to find a good fit, which is also the hardest part of it. Harder, I think, to find a therapist who clicks, than to find a medication that helps.
As for medications, you're more complex than I am, so I will remain silent on that count. I think you know more about the meds than I do, so I don't think I can add anything there.
xoxo
Posted by Dragon Black on October 20, 2007, at 0:38:09
In reply to Re: Why not end it?, posted by beachbum on October 19, 2007, at 5:30:12
I like "dragonwolf" even better : ) maybe I'll change my name.
> Oh Maxine I remember you from when I was here around 3 yrs ago; I'm so sorry you're still not finding relief. I know then and I see now, so many care about you. I remember you tried to help me.
> The question..hmm..I think most of us go through this. I know I do. dragonwolf is right though, we need to try to hang in for our loved ones. I just think esp of my mom. I know it might not make sense when you are in the depths of despair.
> I already started on my 'nightmare' for the next winter months. I hate this time of year also. Been off work again for a week and have not found anything that works for years so I continue to get worse with this cycling. I know come Feb. or Jan. I will again miss many weeks of work, feel like an idiot, cause no one understands how I can be so 'sick'. Also am hating my job which is so stressful and probably isn't helping my BP any but can't make the money I need elsewhere.
> I'm not trying to talk about me, just saying I understand; I have been worse and have tried to ###. As hopeless as I feel now I can look back and am so glad I didn't.
> I don't know what your beliefs are but I believe one day this will all be over and I will be happy with my Lord even though now my faith is rock bottom again. Maybe I'm not allowed to say this and I apologize in advance.
> I just woke up from a 'weird' sleep, many more hrs than what I'm used to and not quite 'here' yet but clicked on here and in my heart had to write you. Maybe that's a good thing cause when I'm 'with it' I worry that people will think what I wrote is stupid, so I don't write, BUT I want you to know another cares bout you and understands, even though I don't know how to help.
> {{hug}}
Posted by beachbum on October 20, 2007, at 0:38:10
In reply to Re: Why not end it?, posted by Dragon Black on October 19, 2007, at 15:02:42
oops sorry don't know where that came from..lol..
glad you joked about it though...nice to meet ya!
Posted by sometimesblue on October 20, 2007, at 0:38:10
In reply to Re: Why not end it?, posted by beachbum on October 19, 2007, at 5:30:12
Posted by Maxime on October 20, 2007, at 0:38:10
In reply to Why not end it?, posted by Maxime on October 18, 2007, at 19:35:39
Thank you for all your thoughtful responses.
I saw my pdoc today and told him how bad things are. I told him I am suicidal and said "that's not an option". Um, yes it is.
Although I have failed several times at suicide and I don't want to fail again. I feel like a failure as it is.
Some people stay for their loved ones. I think I am selfish because I believe that I have stayed around for my loved ones long enough. I would like to think that if I killed myself that eventually people would be happy to know that I am finally at peace. If they really cared about me, then they might find comfort in knowing that I am no longer suffering.
My doctor gave me a note to take a leave of absence from work, but I don't know if I will use it. I don't know what to do.
I life having suicide as an option ... as a way out. Except I am not very good at it.
Every night I go to bed and ask God to let my heart stop beating during the night from my anorexia. Every day I wake up angry with God.
Two years ago around this time of year I made a very serious suicide attempt. I wish it had worked.
Posted by Wonderment on October 20, 2007, at 0:38:10
In reply to Re: Why not end it?, posted by Maxime on October 19, 2007, at 21:29:32
I find the easiest way for me to feel better and start think better thoughts, is to change my neurotransmitters.
I don't know if your problem is low serotonin or not, however if it is... This is what I did to sensitise my serotonin receptors:
Just before bed take 12-18g inositol powder in a drink.
Take up to 5g L-tryptophan at the same time (you may not need this. 5g is A LOT).
Not sure how long to do this for, but I took just the inositol for about a month, then I took both for about a week.The effect was noticeable within 3 days.
If your problem is low dopamine, I definitely wouldn't try this protocol.
Posted by Phillipa on October 20, 2007, at 0:38:10
In reply to Re: Why not end it?, posted by Maxime on October 19, 2007, at 21:29:32
Maxie cause you're as stubborn as I am and not a quitter. I remember all the joy you get out of volunteering. Try that give it a few months and reevaluate then and daily postings. If I can do it so can you!!!!!Love you heaps Jan
Posted by Wonderment on October 20, 2007, at 0:38:10
In reply to Re: Why not end it?, posted by Wonderment on October 19, 2007, at 21:41:45
If your problem is low dopamine, or even if it's not, large daily doses of fish oil may help.
Take at least the minimum that Dr Barry Sears recommends which is 1600mg of EPA and 800mg of DHA. Give it a month to work. If it doesn't, increase dosage by one capsule. Now Foods has the cheapest pharmaceutical grade fish oil at iHerb.
Posted by Maxime on October 20, 2007, at 0:38:10
In reply to Re: Why not end it?, posted by Wonderment on October 19, 2007, at 22:03:13
Thanks. I do take large quantities of fish oil pills. I have MS, so it is supposed to help. Hasn't done anything for my depression though.
Maxime
> If your problem is low dopamine, or even if it's not, large daily doses of fish oil may help.
>
> Take at least the minimum that Dr Barry Sears recommends which is 1600mg of EPA and 800mg of DHA. Give it a month to work. If it doesn't, increase dosage by one capsule. Now Foods has the cheapest pharmaceutical grade fish oil at iHerb.
>
>
Posted by stargazer2 on October 20, 2007, at 0:38:10
In reply to Re: Why not end it? » Wonderment, posted by Maxime on October 19, 2007, at 22:17:29
Maxime. I hear your pain. I have been where you are and haven't found relief in a very long time. It is almost becoming obvious that there is no medication that will help me. I am continuing to try things, but that is only because I am not suicidal today, but things change so quickly and there are only so many things you can try before giving up. It is so hard to keep trying and failing. That gets to be too much over the years I have been trying to win this battle only to get knocked down over and over again.
I wish you well and hope you can find a reason to keep trying like me (for this week) but I understand why you feel like you do. No one wants anyone to give up but when your efforts are not ever rewarded, its hard to keep any hope alive. My most recent period of "normalcy" lasted about 3-4 weeks and just ended. I saw some hope get quickly dashed, all my dreams for normalcy were erased overnight. I can't continue this life if that is all I can hope for, to be up briefly, just to crash again.
I hope you find relief soon too.
Stargazer
Posted by beachbum on October 20, 2007, at 8:59:19
In reply to Re: Why not end it?, posted by Maxime on October 20, 2007, at 0:38:10
well I'm glad you posted :]
I understand... I spent many yrs being angry at God and depending on how I'm doing still do sometimes. Haven't read or prayed for around 6 weeks when I thought I had 'grown' enough in my faith not to do that when feeling bad. The last few weeks I'm wandering if He's even there as much as I hate to admit it. Hate this time of year too. :]
Like you I've also prayed to just not wake up... I can't do suicide and don't see things getting any better. Have a few good months most days in summer but that's about it. When I'm loosing hope like this week again thoughts of 'it' still cross my mind. It's so hard some days to keep going esp. when on the outside people don't see anything wrong. I've become 'so good' at 'behaving' as though I'm fine when out or working, but as you know it's exhausting.
thanks for listening, feeling big need today for some friends here. [[hug]] Not doing to well at 'being good' today
Lora
Posted by Phillipa on October 20, 2007, at 12:40:12
In reply to Re: Why not end it?, posted by beachbum on October 20, 2007, at 8:59:19
We have to keep trying but there are too few professionals that are good and will listen and really search for us. I e-mail with a drug rep and it's appalling that they are teaching the docs. Maxime you can do it. I know you can. Phillipa
Posted by Maxime on October 20, 2007, at 17:13:50
In reply to Re: Why not end it?, posted by stargazer2 on October 20, 2007, at 0:38:10
You articulated how I feel much better than I did.
I am sorry you are going through the same thing.
xxx
Maxime
> Maxime. I hear your pain. I have been where you are and haven't found relief in a very long time. It is almost becoming obvious that there is no medication that will help me. I am continuing to try things, but that is only because I am not suicidal today, but things change so quickly and there are only so many things you can try before giving up. It is so hard to keep trying and failing. That gets to be too much over the years I have been trying to win this battle only to get knocked down over and over again.
>
> I wish you well and hope you can find a reason to keep trying like me (for this week) but I understand why you feel like you do. No one wants anyone to give up but when your efforts are not ever rewarded, its hard to keep any hope alive. My most recent period of "normalcy" lasted about 3-4 weeks and just ended. I saw some hope get quickly dashed, all my dreams for normalcy were erased overnight. I can't continue this life if that is all I can hope for, to be up briefly, just to crash again.
>
> I hope you find relief soon too.
>
> Stargazer
Posted by Poet on October 20, 2007, at 19:25:53
In reply to Why not end it?, posted by Maxime on October 20, 2007, at 0:36:21
Hi Maxime,
I question will I be rewarded with what I need/want if I stay alive and keep fighting or do I put my hope in that whatever comes after this life will be better? That's what keeps me bouncing between the rock and hard place that makes up the life of Poet.
Is there any small thing you could change about your life that might make things a little easier to bear? Something to make you hate work less? Something that takes you mentally away from this time of year?
Take care.
Poet
Posted by kaleidoscope on October 21, 2007, at 6:23:56
In reply to Why not end it?, posted by Maxime on October 20, 2007, at 0:36:21
Oh Maxie,
It's terrible to hear you sounding so bad. I wish I could do something to help you. What are you doing at work at the moment?
Dimples Ed
Posted by stargazer2 on October 21, 2007, at 10:22:36
In reply to Re: Why not end it? » Maxime, posted by kaleidoscope on October 21, 2007, at 6:23:56
Maxime...too bad your post was redirected, it really doesn't belong here but you are getting some good suggestions so you have been followed to Social by some good people.
I just heard the other day people who swear at work feel better, so you may have to resort to this...Just keep it low keyed if you need to keep your job..
My attitude has improved somewhat but I still know that I will have major ups and downs throughout my life. It's just knowing how to deal with them when they come. The suicial stuff is the worse.
Take care and hope you can sustain yourself through this difficult time. PB can help because so many of us know the feelings you have. It's just believing life is better than the alternative (even if it's such a tiny possibility) but when you're in the pits, that's impossible to believe.
Any better today? Do meds help at all? I once took Seroquel 100 and it eradicated the suicidal thoughts. I believe there's always a med that can
minimize those thoughts, it's not easily found but they do exist. Are there any they can help you? What does your pdoc say will help, any thing?Stargazer
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