![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 28 to 52 of 545. Go back in thread:
Posted by SandyWeb on March 26, 2004, at 13:04:56
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by sekou on March 25, 2004, at 18:18:40
I just put a big box of supplies together for a nursing student to practice with. There are dressing trays, IV kits, syringes, cathetars, gloves, etc, etc. I feel a pit in my tummy. Bye bye career. It seems so final when you pack things up.
I am FREEZING today. I just can not get warm. This must be what the body feels like when it dies! Remind me to bring a warm coat when I take that walk! Ha ha!
Sekou, that was a wonderful story that you shared with us. I am so happy that you are able to overcome. Such a capacity for survival! I'm happy for you.
But you are going for your PhD? I don't even have my Bachelors....and I never will. I have NO skills. I have NO future. When the kids are gone, I won't even have welfare. And even if I got on Disability by some miracle, what a humiliation I would be to my kids. And I certainly can't face my family even now....with them so proud of what I was doing, and now I just show once again what a failure I am. Talk the talk, but can't WALK the talk.I sit here in my chair and just look at the carpet. And that's my life as far as I can see into the future. There is nothing left to struggle for.....I blew it, just like I always do. Pity party....wha wha wha. *smile*
I don't know. It's just so final to get rid of my nursing stuff. And with clinicals being decided now. I've always enjoyed clinicals....it's wonderful to see in action everything you've been studying. It's just neat to keep building upon your knowledge base.
But.....away it fritters. I started having my darn anxiety issues, just like last year. And I just couldn't get it together enough to complete the classes. And this was my last chance.....no more money or time now. For anything. I would find myself on the street when the kids grow up!
I don't know. Sorry for rambling. I just don't know. I'm freezing, I'm tired, I've lost my appetite, and I can't think. I just want to curl up somewhere and sleep for a long time. Where's that tree I was talking about? Ha ha! Just kidding!
Back to packing things up.
Cya!
Sandy
Posted by octopusprime on March 26, 2004, at 22:46:05
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by SandyWeb on March 26, 2004, at 13:04:56
SandyWeb, I'm sorry to hear you are having a tough time.
It is so hard when somebody we love dies or when we don't achieve something we have worked very hard for. It always seems darkest just before the dawn. I will have you in my thoughts, I hope you will get some peace and space to heal.
Re: student loans: if you have a Canada Student Loan, interest and repayments can be suspended. See this link for more info:
http://www.canlearn.ca/nslsc/repay/NS/nlObtRepAss.cfm?LANGNSLSC=en&IT=PUBLIC&row=2what are you reading right now? i hope you are enjoying your books.
Posted by jlynne on March 27, 2004, at 1:06:11
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by SandyWeb on March 26, 2004, at 13:04:56
> I don't know. It's just so final to get rid of my nursing stuff.<
What a bummer. I am amazed that you are still able to write to us at all, but I'm glad that you are:)
I'm exhausted from the grandkids tonight (just took the last one home). I don't have a lot of energy for writing cheery stuff, but I wanted to let you know that I am still here, and still praying for you.
(((HUGS)))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on March 27, 2004, at 4:12:18
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb » SandyWeb, posted by octopusprime on March 26, 2004, at 22:46:05
I'm not reading any books right now. I don't have the energy nor the interest in reading books at this time. I was just saying that I don't see much ahead in my future other than sitting on my bum and reading.
I think I've already used up all my Interest Relief for the Canada Student Loans. They will be wanting repayment to start soon.
Thanks for the post.
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on March 27, 2004, at 4:20:19
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on March 27, 2004, at 1:06:11
I went for a 2-hour walk last night.
It started to rain. *sigh*
Came back home and went to bed early.
Couldn't sleep.
Packed up my scrub sets and 3 pairs of NurseMates shoes yesterday as well. Unlatched my ID from my scrub jacket.
Now I just wait.
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by sekou on March 27, 2004, at 8:10:53
In reply to Re: Sandy » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on March 27, 2004, at 4:20:19
Sandy,
I flew in late last night to Atlanta just to discover that my luggage was lost. of course all my meds were in there. What a negligent thing to do! I have all this work to do for next week, and where is my stuff...? In luggage-land I suppose... Just think, I am here comforting a friend whose 2 year just passed from a rare form of brain cancer. This was his first child.
My issues seem pretty miniscule when I reflect on his. However, this really isn't the point.
Reality check...things are falling apart right where we are, most of the time. I guess we're all engaged on some level of "putting things together"...or not. And when things fall apart to the extent we cannot fathom...to the extent that we feel we have nothing...I guess that's the point we've come face to face with our greatest potential ever.
This reminds me of a bible verse...goes something like this.."In our weakness, God is made strong."
I hope we all experience the best of today to the fullest, even if that means all we do is get wet in the rain.
cheers
Posted by SandyWeb on March 27, 2004, at 9:04:19
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by sekou on March 27, 2004, at 8:10:53
Sekou,
I love the person that you appear to be. Such a strong lady with a good sense of humor!
But you are mistaken when you say that this is the point where we come face-to-face with our greatest potential ever. At least with me.
I've been putting on the strong face for too many years now. I've been doing the "in weakness, God is made strong" bit for an eternity it seems.
Now I come face-to-face with the fact.....that I'm TIRED.....tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired. I just can't seem to get anywhere....and I want to stop trying.
You have all been wonderful with your motivational speeches, and I'm sorry to bring you down and bore you away with my poor-pitiful-Sandy. I'm actually not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just deflated and worn out.
Maybe I should give that "heads up" to Dr. Bob. I don't know. Maybe I should just cry. Maybe I should run away to DisneyWorld!! Lol! Maybe I should dig a hole and bury myself in it. Maybe I should cuddle up with my little kitty cat. Maybe I should get drunk. Maybe I should sit out in the winter rain. Maybe I should slip in front of a car. Ha!! Maybe I should go see my doctor. Maybe I should rent a bunch of comedy movies and re-learn how to laugh. Maybe I should go back to my husband. Maybe I should try to find God again. Maybe I should wait on tomorrow.
Ramble, ramble. The brain goes clickety-CLUNK! Lol!
I'm cold, so I'm jumping back under my blanket again.
Me
Posted by Magdalena on March 27, 2004, at 13:07:05
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 12:41:45
Sandy im sorry about your loss. I was just wondering if you are from Brampton as well. You dont have to answer if you dont want, but thats where i live too. i know that funeral home, i grew up here, i just thought everyone here was from far far away...
Posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2004, at 13:33:56
In reply to Re: Sandy » sekou, posted by SandyWeb on March 27, 2004, at 9:04:19
Oh Sandy,
I just ache for you. Your posts reflect such pain. I have read prior posts and know what you went through with the police and all. But I think your questioning whether maybe you should give Dr. Bob that heads up is significant. It sounds like you feel really hopeless, but that you really want some hope. Please let others help you to find that again. Whether it is through more intensive meds or counseling, or checking into the hospital for a bit, please allow yourself to rely on others for a time.You sound so tired, I wish I could provide a shoulder to lean on and some good old fashioned care-taking. Everyone deserves that and needs that from time to time.
I hope and pray that you can find it and accept it where you are.
Please keep posting.
gg
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2004, at 21:38:30
In reply to Re: Sandy » sekou, posted by SandyWeb on March 27, 2004, at 9:04:19
Maybe I'm just being my usual overserious self here. But I just want to point out that giving Dr. Bob a reason to call the police is *not* a very reliable way to get help. He's not always on the board - sometimes for days at a time. He has done something when he gets concerned, but it would be very dangerous to rely on his seeing a post in a timely fashion.
And as he says in the FAQ, if you feel that you aren't safe, get help in person. The internet, as wonderful as it is, just isn't enough.
And that's a general warning, not directed to anyone in particular.
I always worry when it gets known on the board that he has contacted someone's ISP that people will get the idea that he always does or can in a timely fashion.
Posted by jlynne on March 27, 2004, at 21:39:28
In reply to Re: Sandy » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on March 27, 2004, at 4:20:19
> I went for a 2-hour walk last night.
>
> It started to rain. *sigh*
>
> Came back home and went to bed early.
Sandy, well, at least as long as it rains we know you will come back from your walks [LOL].Where do you go when you walk? (Besides the woods:) I don't know where I would end up around here if I walked for two hours.
How is Carly doing on her med? I hope it is working for her.
The weatherman is forecasting sunny and warm here for tomorrow - I am so ready for that. I am sure that I suffer from SADS, along with everything else. [I don't know if living in the Pacific NW causes SADS, or if people with SADS just get trapped here and can't get out.] In any event, I might just get naked tomorrow and soak up as much sunshine as I possible can in one day. Sunscreen, be damned!!
Take it easy, Sandy. [One fifteen minutes at a time.] ...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on March 28, 2004, at 4:56:35
In reply to Re: Hmmm...., posted by Dinah on March 27, 2004, at 21:38:30
Dinah,
I'm not looking for Dr. Bob to save me. Actually, I think I'm more just leaving a record. Whether he reads these messages in time is of no concern to me now. My birthday is coming up in April, and I think that should be my special day to go a-walking. I would be 39-years OLD. Ugh. Nothing much to show for in all those years...except two fantastic kids! Who'd a-thunk?? But now I'm getting antsy because April seems so far away. I'm really, really antsy!! Lol! At least I won't have to go back to dear ole hubby. He wasn't the nicest of men. He liked to strangle, smother, hit, and yell. BUT....at least it would have been the two of us against the world TOGETHER. I wouldn't have seemed so alone in this world. But now I don't have to return to that messed-up life. He lives in Washington state now. Getting closer to the Canadian border! Oh no! Lol! It was sooo nice to get away from him. My son, at 5-years of age, had to go into counselling when we moved here. He wasn't allowed to get his anger out when we lived with hubby because the big bad man would overpower him. So, when we were awat from him, Ben got ANGRY. That was a fun time! Ha! But my kiddo overcame, and he's a great 15-year old now. A little bit addicted to video games (UGH!!), but I think I'll keep him. Lol! And Carly is doing better with the sleeping pills. Apparently it leaves a disgusting taste in her mouth for the rest of the next day, but it helps her fall alseep. It just doesn't KEEP her asleep. She keeps waking up all night long....but at least she doesn't get up and turn on the light and start reading. She's getting more rest, and has been to school. Yippee. Now she just needs that therapist so she can learn how to not be fearful of the dark.
I am so glad April is coming. I've always liked my special month. April showers? Well, that's okay. If it's too miserable, I don't need to atually take a walk. My home is just as well. But I wish it would hurry up. I don't know if I can wait that long. I'm sooo antsy. And, yes, of course there is always hope. I seem like two different people. I want to get on with it, and yet there is a little bit of a search for hope. I think that is probably somehhing that we are born with. And I think that the only "hope" I would have would be the hospital. Only problem is that I've never been to the hospital, as a patient, except when I gave birth two times. I've been a very healthy girl up until last year!! And even stranger, even though I wanted to be a psych nurse, I've never been on a mentl health unit and I'm scared to death of it. Lol! Actually, I'm more scared of the unit than my birthday!! *snicker* I think the only way I would go would be kicking and screaming. And you'd have to catch me first!! Hee hee. Since I haven't run in many a year, I'd probably have to run and HIDE, run and HIDE....as I'm catching my breath!! LOL!!!! But really, I'd be too scared to go to the hospital. Which is really irrational when you think that I was a wannabe nurse specailizing in mental health. Duh! Guess I wouldn't have been a good nurse afterall. Scared of my own unit! Hee!
Well, I didn't sleep at all last night. Maybe I should try to lay down again. But my tummy is just so full of butterflies, and I just keep fidgeting, and I can't stop thinking about my birthday. I wonder what I'll get?? Ha! I was going to have an exam on the day before and the day after my birthday....but now I'm free!! Yeah!! No stress of studying around my special day. Har! So, that is my story. Maybe I should take one f Carly's sleeping pills because I'm not going to get any sleep today if my brain keeps racing like this. No prob, though. It'll slow down soon enough.
Do you ever fel like two people? One part of you wants one thing and nother part wants another? A little bit on the frustrating side. But I don't have any plans for the future. I still haven't figured out what I could do with my life. Be a bag lady looking for handouts. Ha! Now that seems like it would be fun. NOT.Cya!
Posted by SandyWeb on March 28, 2004, at 5:37:39
In reply to Re: Hmmm.... » Dinah, posted by SandyWeb on March 28, 2004, at 4:56:35
I meant to mention that I won't be posting here anymore. I forgot to say that in my previous message. You can cancel this thread now. It was wonderful meeting all you special people. Take good care of yourselves.
Cya!
Posted by EmmyS on March 28, 2004, at 8:32:56
In reply to Re: Hmmm.... » Dinah, posted by SandyWeb on March 28, 2004, at 4:56:35
Sandy - I was the same age as your children when my mother suicided. I wonder what you think will happen to them?
Do you think they will "be better off" without you as my mother did? I can assure you, my mom was incorrect. The many children she left behind were so totally screwed up by her suicide, that decades later most of us are still basket cases. Our family was destroyed, the guilt and self-blame overwhelmed each child. Yes, even the youngest children grew thinking it was their fault entirely and have lived with that for decades. It's mom's legacy - agonzing pain. More than one of my siblings have also attempted. I'm quite sure my brother will soon succeed.
I realize that depression causes irrational thinking. Sandy, try to think clearly for a few minutes. Think about the love you have for your children. Know they love you and need you in their lives forever; for their first broken hearts, for their graduations, their weddings, the births of their children. My mom wasn't there for any of that.
I shopped alone for my wedding dress. It sucked. I cried.
It's not just all the big days either. I miss her every single day. Every single day.
Arrange for childcare. Pack a bag. It's time to get to that hospital. It's not just about you right now - it's about your children.
Emmy
Posted by Dinah on March 28, 2004, at 9:39:57
In reply to Re: Hmmm.... » Dinah, posted by SandyWeb on March 28, 2004, at 4:56:35
Emmy is absolutely positively right.
When you sign on as a parent, you sign on to put their needs ahead of your own. Do you want them to have lost their mother in such a way?
I'm sorry to be so blunt. And I know how overwhelmed you are right now. But there are options that would be better for your kids. And believe it or not, with some proper medication and some help in dealing with your immediate problems of living, they won't seem impossible to you either.
Please take a deep breath and go into the hospital to let them help you find those options.
Posted by jlynne on March 28, 2004, at 14:57:22
In reply to Re: Hmmm...., posted by SandyWeb on March 28, 2004, at 5:37:39
Hey, Sandy, I hear you. But, you know what? Now's not a good time to be trying to figure out what to do with the rest of your life, you know? You don't really want to die, hun . . . you want some answers; some hope; a glimpse of a better future. I don't have a crystal ball, Sandy, but I can say that I have been where you are . . . you know I have (why else would I have stayed here with you?) I promise you can get through this, but you need to get some help.
The hospital's not so bad - in fact, I thought it was kind of nice to be waited on, and they gave me some pretty good drugs in there, too! And my kids were glad for the chance to stay with gramma and get spoiled for awhile. It was really a relief, Sandy, to finally give in and go . . . and let someone else take care of me for awhile.
I don't know what God has planned for your life, Sandy, but I know that you are a worthwhile human being. You have overcome some pretty devastating @?!# already, and I know that you can find that strength again.
I will keep praying for you. Please, stay here.
((((HUGS))))
...jlynne
Posted by jlynne on March 28, 2004, at 22:08:46
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on March 28, 2004, at 14:57:22
. . . in case you decide to write again.
God bless you.
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 12:05:38
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on March 28, 2004, at 14:57:22
I'm really going to do this. Maybe before my birthday.
There's no way that I can rescue myself, so I'm gritting my teeth as I say this:
Call the police. Help me, help me, help me.
I'm going out for some fresh air right now. I can't stay in here any longer. I've been poking at my wrist. I haven't drawn any blood, but just the action feels comfortable. I've got to leave here.
If I don't hit the "Enter" button now, I'm never going to send this message.
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 12:07:15
In reply to Help Me, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 12:05:38
Done. I don't know if I'm relieved or upset. I don't know what to think.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
Sandy
Posted by Penny on March 29, 2004, at 12:33:52
In reply to Re: Help Me, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 12:07:15
Sandy,
FIRST THING - GO TO THE HOSPITAL NOW. OR CALL 911 NOW. FOR YOURSELF, AND YOUR CHILDREN.
If you're not willing, read this first.
As someone who has suffered from depression for a number of years, and someone who was hospitalized last summer for the first time, and someone whose grandfather committed suicide 2 1/2 years ago, and someone who has been on nearly every med in the book and has been in therapy for several years, I can tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. That said, IT CAN GET BETTER.
I know Shar posted below a link to a website that all who are considering suicide should check out first: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
I have been there more times than I can tell you. You need to remember, no matter how bad it feels right now, this is a decision you can't take back once you've acted on it. IT IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM. It might not feel that way right now, but that is the disease talking.
You would hurt your children and others in your life more than you could possibly know. No matter how bad you feel right now, or how hopeless it all seems, those kids of yours need you there. They will ALWAYS need you there. You don't believe it - but it's so true. They want you here, Sandy. We on babble want you here too, Sandy.
Give it a little while longer at the least. Don't think about this as I can't make it through another day. Can you make it through another minute? Even with excrutiating pain? If you took the time to read my message, you can. So hang in another minute. And another. AND GO TO THE HOSPITAL. CALL 911 NOW. FOR YOURSELF, AND FOR YOUR KIDS.
C'mon Sandy - I know you believe your children are worth your trying to help yourself. They ARE worth living for. Even if you don't feel like you're really living right now. That can change. Really. I'm proof of that, as are many others on the board. And time in the hospital can be the most helpful thing in the whole world.
You don't want to die, Sandy. If you did, you wouldn't have posted. PLEASE GET HELP. And then let us know, when you can, that you are okay. Please. Please. Please.
P
Posted by jlynne on March 29, 2004, at 12:43:59
In reply to Re: Help Me, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 12:07:15
Sandy, what is happening?
...jlynne
Posted by Dr. Bob on March 29, 2004, at 13:41:57
In reply to Help Me, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 12:05:38
> Call the police. Help me, help me, help me.
I've contacted your ISP again. I hope they can in fact get you more help. Best wishes,
Bob
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 15:43:40
In reply to Help Me, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 12:05:38
I haven't read any of your messages yet as they will probably cause me to break down.
I took a 2 1/2 hour walk, and then I came home. I was feeling a little better after all that cold air. I just sat down to come on the computer and let you guys know that the cops weren't needed....when the cops knocked on the door.
It was awful. Good cop, bad cop. And the bad cop was BAD. He kept yelling, even when I asked him to keep his voice down because my kids were in their bedrooms with a friend. But he said that he wasn't going to be quiet.
He kept accusing me of playing games. That I enjoyed the response I was getting on this board. That I was NOT allowed to post anymore messages or I would be charged with criminal mischief. That they did not want to get any more calls concerning me.
He wanted to see my wrists because I was supposedly cutting them. His partner looked. One was fine, the other had small hole marks from the clasp I had been using on it. But he didn't know what the marks were. He frowned, but then didn't say anything to his BAD partner. They were expecting gushing wounds, I guess.
Anyways, I can't post here anymore. Talk about driving a person over the edge. The darn guy made me start crying in front of him. And he said that was how the game was played. And if I didn't like it, the next time I would be hauled away in handcuffs to jail and my kids placed with child protective services and I would be charged with criminal mischief. That was how the game was played, and he told his partner, "She knows how it's played."
So, they left. I cried forever. Then I went to the bathroom and poked and scratched at my wrist. And I felt like just dragging that edge straight across it.
But I'm not allowed to say these things anymore. I'm not allowed to talk with you guys anymore. Oh my gosh. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel so totally absolutely utterly worthless right now. Big bad meanie cop. He didn't believe a word I said.
I don't know what's going to happen. I am about ready to curl up in a ball. He made fun about the first visit (it was the same cops from the first night).
Do not call the cops again, please.
I still can't stop crying. This was not what I needed. This really, really STUNK.
I'm sorry, you guys.
Sandy
Posted by jlynne on March 29, 2004, at 15:57:53
In reply to Re: Help Me, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 15:43:40
Sandy, call your doctor, please. Or your sister. Or your mother. Have one of them call your doctor. Get help, please. You're going to have to reach out - we can't do it for you. This is something you can do.
Please, let go and get help.
I'm pulling for you, Sandy.
((((courage))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 16:12:30
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on March 29, 2004, at 15:57:53
Hi jlynne,
I know you can't do it for me, but thank you for sticking around.
Right now I just feel so utterly hurt. I'm constantly on the verge of crying. Stupid cop didn't even ask anything about me. Thinks I'm some sort of whack-o who gets my jollies playing with people's minds. He doesn't even know that I asked you to call the cops! He thinks Dr. Bob just did it because of whatever I had posted. Jerk! But the jerk made me cry.....which is not what I wanted. And he kept yelling and acting smart with me. And all I could do was cover my eyes and try not to have them see my tears. And then he continued his smart-alec remarks, made me answer to his beliefs, and then they walked out. I was tying up the emergency services. *sigh*
I'm sorry. I shouldn't be even chatting anymore. I know you can't do anything for me. I know it's up to me. But I've just had so many failures externally, and now to go to the hospital and say that I'm broken....well, that's a failure internally. I just can't get myself to go there. And my family knows NOTHING. Which Mr. Bad Cop didn't care about....he wanted to go into my son's room, with my son's friend in there too, and find out about mum's lies. He was just so mean. He knows NOTHING about mental health! My gosh, he really could drive someone to slit their wrists!! I'm soooooo glad I had taken that walk before meeting up with him. It would have been too overwhelming.
Loser. I'm such a loser. The cops think I'm a loser. I'm just a welfare loser with nothing to look forward to. And here come the tears again!! Argh!! I haven't cried ONCE during this whole couple weeks.....and now that darn cop hurt me. What a jerk!!!! Don't they get sensitivity training??
And I still want to poke my wrist more. And I want to get drunk tonight (I didn't do it the other night). In fact, that's a great idea. The bottle is in the fridge. I'm having the whole thing....and FAST!!!
Sorry, guys. I'm so sorry about all this. Argh!!! And the tears again!!!! I hate this!
Sandy
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