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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 13, 2010, at 18:42:37
I am sorry to be writing so much on here, but I feel so torn apart-- anxious, grief, worry, rumination, ache, lonely, and hopeless. The main word I can think of is unresolved. I need to make it just less than two more days until my next session, but then, I will be out of town at home for at least 3 weeks. My therapy is constantly interrupted. After having 2 and 1/2 months of therapy last spring, it was interrupted for 3 months for the summer and then another 2 1/2 months with complications.
Here is what I NEED to know: I have always heard that there is a therapeutic process and we must trust this process. I think I am in the process, but at an initial point where I have gotten worse. I am so attached, obsessed, dependent, and in a state of over-idealization that I can't get better. How can I make this stop??? I have tried to read and think my way out of it, but that doesn't work. Ways that I used to use to make myself feel better-- like certain ways of thinking and rationalization-- don't work anymore because I am no longer independent; I am now merged and dependent. I literally feel like a toddler waiting, dying, for her mom to come home.
I think that working through this could be an essential path to my healing; however, the problem is that I don't have time. I graduate and leave this city in May. I think my therapist took me back knowing that this was the case-- he probably wouldn't want to work longer. It is just that he is the only person who can help me. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get better, but I think that really means sticking to this process. I just don't have time! I have no words to express how terrible this makes me feel-- like death.
I have regressed in this therapy to the point where I am not independent. I feel all loss of control; my "self" feels like an empty mush and I can't integrate my experiences. I am so afraid when I leave in May, this therapeutic relationship is going to be the culimation of every unresolved feeling and unintegrated experience-- and there are so many that I get lost in them; these are the many, many things that I need to share with someone, have reflected back, accept and know them as real. It is nothing but a set-up for greater feelings of loss, grief, and the unresolved things that already haunt me.
And there will be no one to share this with.What can I do? Please, please tell me what to do. How do I make this stop? How do I speed up the process? This is urgent. I am going to talk with my therapist about this first thing at our next session. I feel so awful and trapped. I feel like I am doomed to leave therapy and feel more lost than I ever was before-- and yet doomed to my previous faults of being the isolated, awkward, and messed up person I am; except now, even what little good there was-- independence-- is gone.
Posted by annierose on December 13, 2010, at 20:54:27
In reply to worse before better?, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 13, 2010, at 18:42:37
i think it is hard to hold onto all these feelings and intrusive thoughts from session to session when they feel so intense. you do need to share these feelings with your therapist AND i think it's helpful to see your therapist more often to help ease the lull between sessions.
Posted by emmanuel98 on December 13, 2010, at 21:01:37
In reply to worse before better?, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 13, 2010, at 18:42:37
I went through this awful period in therapy where I just felt so dependent and couldn't imagine life without him. I worried he would get sick or the insurance company would refuse to pay for therapy with a p-doc and I told him this. He said, well things can happen. You're really doing this yourself, you know. All I do is facilitate and bear witness. You could do this with another therapist. I said I didn't want to see another therapist. He said it would be hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be.
I think that's what you need to keep in mind. This will end because of your schooling, but you can pick it up again when you move with another therapist. You just have to find someone who is a good fit for you. Your intense feelings and idealization come from you, not from him. You will feel those feelings with another therapist and will have a longer time to work through them.
As for how to hurry along the process with your current T, I don't know that you can do that, as much as you want to. It's an emotional process. It unfolds differently for everyone and takes time.
Good luck. And remember, you have him until May, which is time to say goodbye and find someone else and process this.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 13, 2010, at 21:03:58
In reply to Re: worse before better?, posted by annierose on December 13, 2010, at 20:54:27
Thanks, annierose.
I don't think it is possible to have extra sessions-- he is doing me a double-favor by fitting me into his very tight schedule and working with my financial situation to give me a significantly reduced rate. I am definitely going to share this with him-- maybe just show him this post. I don't know. There are so many thoughts. My only consolation in this is that such intensity is an indicator that maybe there is also possibility for great transformation and healing. But like I said, I don't think I will ever get there, because I don't have time.
Do you think what I am feeling is part of the process?
Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 13, 2010, at 21:11:27
In reply to Re: worse before better?, posted by emmanuel98 on December 13, 2010, at 21:01:37
Thanks, emmanuel.
I appreciate hearing your experience.I know that a lot of this is coming from me, but I really, really think he is the only one who can help me. I don't think any other person would do. I think the therapeutic relationship is created by both me and him, and with someone else, it will be totally different. I saw three awful counselors this summer and worked with another therapist at my university for a few months. He was skilled, and I felt a little of this with him, but not anywhere to the current degree.
I feel that my current therapist is extremely gifted. He is able to be attuned and I share this entire therapeutic process with him. I think I can only heal with his help. The problem is the unresolved sense. I am so afraid to leave and then always be in pursuit of this lost object, which was how it felt during the entire summer. I don't think another therapist could help that.
I do graduate in May, but I can stay in this city if I need to-- I might even remain as a graduate student at this university; or take a year off to heal and get better and stay in this city while I do that. I want more than anything to heal and be well, though I don't even know what that looks like.
I did hear what you said and appreciate it; I hope that what I am saying makes sense too.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 13, 2010, at 21:17:21
In reply to Re: worse before better?, posted by emmanuel98 on December 13, 2010, at 21:01:37
Also, emmanuel, during this awful period, did you find it difficult to concentrate on other things; did you feel helpless and trapped? That's how I feel and it's really not like me. I usually am soooo independent- so much so, that I am isolated- but I solve my own problems. Now, I can't! Maybe this is part of the obsession and attachment. Usually I just worry a problem to death in my own mind; read; journey; and search for it myself, within. Now, I am relying upon someone else to help with this, and I don't know what to do with my persistent restlessness. There is nothing I can do, except for 45 min. once a week-- and I usually feel like I f-ck that up.
Posted by Solstice on December 13, 2010, at 22:27:40
In reply to worse before better?, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 13, 2010, at 18:42:37
> Here is what I NEED to know: I have always heard that there is a therapeutic process and we must trust this process. I think I am in the process, but at an initial point where I have gotten worse. I am so attached, obsessed, dependent, and in a state of over-idealization that I can't get better. How can I make this stop???I don't know that you can *make* it stop. What you *Can* do, is trust the process by trusting your therapist enough to hand him your post and have him read it aloud to you. You're worrying about things you have no control over - including whether you'll have the time you believe you'll need with this particular therapist to heal. Why don't you just take control of your next therapy hour by Making yourself take your post to him? That will bring this whole thing in the room as soon as you walk in there. Consider doing that, and then let us know how it goes!
Solstice
Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 13, 2010, at 23:07:58
In reply to Re: worse before better?, posted by Solstice on December 13, 2010, at 22:27:40
Thank you, Solstice.
I am already planning my session in my head-- like this morning, I was calm enough to have a clear line of thought. Now, it is chaos. Everyday is like a universe unto itself; it overflows and I can't integrate the experiences.
What you say seems good-- I can just hand him the post, and that's a start; sometimes I don't know which post to give him-- 6 or so big ones that I've written over the week.
Right now, I am sitting at Starbucks trying to focus for exams early in the morning. I don't want to be alone in my dorm room; I feel so lonely. It is also hard with Christmas coming-- all of the music, decorations, and smells make me feel a deep ache, especially at home. I talked to my mom on the phone yesterday and she is so excited that she was able to get off work to be able to make the 5 hour drive to my university with my dad to pick me up and bring me home.
I keep thinking about suicide. Sometimes it's the only relief. I imagine what it would be like to happen. I don't know if I am able to do this. I can't imagine how it would hurt my parents, especially at Christmas. I really don't think I would do this now. It's just a thought that is always there-- it's a way to escape. Sitting here at Starbucks I know that I am different than other people; I am not social; I have no friends. It has always been this way; something is wrong with me.
I am writing way too much. I am sorry. This is just so hard.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 14, 2010, at 11:33:29
In reply to Re: worse before better?, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 13, 2010, at 23:07:58
I just wanted to post to let you know that I am feeling some bit better this morning. Those thoughts are always there-- sometimes in the back of my mind and sometimes in the front.
It's just been so many things right now. Exams are super stressful, trying to prepare myself for my next session and leaving with having sessions for 3-4 weeks, trying to think about the future-- therapy and otherwise. Add to this the usual feelings at night and here is a mess.
But it is some better today; I don't know how long it will last. Things change very quickly. I wonder if any of you know what I mean when I say that each day is almost like a universe unto itself, with its own texture, crisis, beginning and end? It is overflowing and that makes it so difficult to express what is going on in therapy.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 14, 2010, at 11:34:11
In reply to Re: worse before better?, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 14, 2010, at 11:33:29
correction -- leaving town with having *no sessions for 3-4 weeks
Posted by emmanuel98 on December 14, 2010, at 21:40:07
In reply to Re: worse before better?, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 13, 2010, at 21:17:21
I don't know that I felt trapped. The truth is, I thought about him all the time. But I tended to think about him being with me, approving of me, aware of what I was doing or saying. I actually found this calming for a long time. I had a very messed up childhood and left home at 14, so he became a kind of surrogate parent for me. And I regressed to infancy, feeling attached to him the way a toddler attaches to it's caregiver.
It would be hard to replace him, I am sure. But at this early stage in therapy, not impossible. I've been seeing my p-doc for almost six years (though only monthly in the last year) and I could never replace him now. He occupies this space in my heart that could never be filled by someone else. We've been through this intense emotional experience together and he will always be important to me. When we cut back, I told him I was afraid he would fade from my mind. He said I hope I don't fade from your mind. You won't fade from my mind. I really won't forget you.
This made me feel so much better about cutting back, but I still miss him teribly sometimes.
Posted by emmanuel98 on December 14, 2010, at 21:43:48
In reply to Re: worse before better?, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 14, 2010, at 11:34:11
You said before that your T had a DBT focus. Have you told him that you feel you have no friends and that "something is wrong" with you? I have a DBT therapist and she challenges me always on such beliefs and gives me concrete exercises to counter such negative thoughts.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 15, 2010, at 19:14:01
In reply to Re: worse before better?, posted by emmanuel98 on December 14, 2010, at 21:43:48
I had my session this afternoon.
I don't know how to process it. It was not what the "thing" that I had hoped for, whatever that even is-- I don't know what I hoped for. I just know that my expectations are often let down because I get in there with so much on my mind, become nervous and can't say much of anything, especially in depth. Sometimes when he is talking to me, I can' focus; neither can I focus on my responses because I am trying to think what I must say next...I am thinking about all that I am not saying.So it was chaotic and I generally felt unpresent and unreal.
But I am trying to accept it for what it was. It wasn't all bad, even if I feel like I didn't act right/say the right things. It just was. We discussed some things that I have been wanting to talk about, but as is usual, I went to fast through it all and wasn't present. I am processing but forgot what exactly happened. My hands started tingling and went numb several times.
I will be gone for 4 weeks-- am leaving for home on Friday. That is going to be very hard. I view this as an interruption to my therapy; my therapist says he sees it as part of the process; I don't like that perspective. To me, it is an interruption. He was aware of our disagreeing perspectives and said he didn't want to seem invalidating by what he was saying-- so we just held both of our views there together in all of their difference, knowing they are both just perspectives.
We are going to have a phone session next week, so that will help, I hope.
It's just, when I am home, it is hard to know how to be. I am lost and confused. But I am here.
Posted by sigismund on December 27, 2010, at 16:23:38
In reply to worse before better?, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 13, 2010, at 18:42:37
Merging. That must have been what I felt was interesting.
I wish it could be enjoyable for you.
Merging is what religions and sex and mothers and babies are all about.
You seem so concerned about it.You want to preserve your independence? Yes.
It seems to me that merging is the most interesting thing there is.
Have I become more comfortable with it over time?
I was pretty bloody uncomfortable, I can tell you that. When I was 20, around then.
Posted by sigismund on December 27, 2010, at 16:33:36
In reply to worse before better?, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 13, 2010, at 18:42:37
The most vivid experience of my 20s was sitting at a desk in the univerisity library on which somone had helpfully enscribed "slit your wrists" which perfectly described the way I felt and I got out TS Eliot reading The Wasteland and I wept half the way through it with gratitude. I will show you fear in a handul of dust, here is no water but only rock, all of that.
It is obviously very difficult to bear such chaotic emotions. I am very glad my kids, AFAIK, have escaped all this.
Posted by sigismund on December 27, 2010, at 16:59:56
In reply to Re: worse before better?, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 14, 2010, at 11:33:29
>I wonder if any of you know what I mean when I say that each day is almost like a universe unto itself, with its own texture, crisis, beginning and end?
I think so. I can remember that. The days pass so much more quickly now. At my age some people start worrying about entropy, but I try, as you said somewhere else, to live in the now. It is just easier.
Trust? Trust is one of those things you can't make happen, like love, I suppose. My therapist used to say Ilived very much in my head. I once met this person who said to me 'There is so much fear floating around with you', one more thing to worry about, one more failing.
Posted by sigismund on December 27, 2010, at 17:55:03
In reply to Re: worse before better?, posted by sigismund on December 27, 2010, at 16:59:56
My prescription for myself back then is martial arts (physical and spiritual) for the discipline strength and calmness, and someone to love to merge with now and again.
Easier said than done. I would have to start with the martial arts.
This is the end of the thread.
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