Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 13, 2010, at 23:07:58
In reply to Re: worse before better?, posted by Solstice on December 13, 2010, at 22:27:40
Thank you, Solstice.
I am already planning my session in my head-- like this morning, I was calm enough to have a clear line of thought. Now, it is chaos. Everyday is like a universe unto itself; it overflows and I can't integrate the experiences.
What you say seems good-- I can just hand him the post, and that's a start; sometimes I don't know which post to give him-- 6 or so big ones that I've written over the week.
Right now, I am sitting at Starbucks trying to focus for exams early in the morning. I don't want to be alone in my dorm room; I feel so lonely. It is also hard with Christmas coming-- all of the music, decorations, and smells make me feel a deep ache, especially at home. I talked to my mom on the phone yesterday and she is so excited that she was able to get off work to be able to make the 5 hour drive to my university with my dad to pick me up and bring me home.
I keep thinking about suicide. Sometimes it's the only relief. I imagine what it would be like to happen. I don't know if I am able to do this. I can't imagine how it would hurt my parents, especially at Christmas. I really don't think I would do this now. It's just a thought that is always there-- it's a way to escape. Sitting here at Starbucks I know that I am different than other people; I am not social; I have no friends. It has always been this way; something is wrong with me.
I am writing way too much. I am sorry. This is just so hard.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:973459
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101115/msgs/973502.html