![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua3 on December 20, 2008, at 1:25:15
I'm not exactly sure what I want to say here, so I'm just going to write.
About a month ago, my pdoc and I agreed to eliminate my antidepressant from what I'm taking because it seemed to be causing me great agitation. I thought I was manic, really, because I was accomplishing huge amounts of things (which is very unlike me), but there was an intensity to it that scared me in a way.
So we had a long talk about whether we should try this during the holidays. I wanted off of it because of the agitation. Main problem: my oldest child won't be home for Christmas for the first time ever. It's for a good reason--he's traveling--and I'm very happy he has this opportunity. He will be home after the New Year for a couple of weeks before he heads back to college.
I didn't think this would bother me so much, but I kind of became consumed by it, this sadness that he wouldn't be here, and trying to figure out w/my T why I was feeling this intense feeling, and yes, of course, it's linked to childhood sadness, abuse, etc. at this time of the year, but I can't figure it out so that I can deal w/it and get over it, which is my usual way of coping.
Getting off the drug turned out to be hell even though it was really a six month taper. I had terrible bouts of rage (which I never, ever have).
I knew the rage was from the drug withdrawal. My pdoc didn't agree. He said the drug should already have been out of my system, and said he thought this was an "emotional issue," essentially the transition of my relationship w/my oldest child being gone.This discussion w/my pdoc was over the phone, when I got my nerve up to finally call him and tell him how horrible I was feeling.
Meanwhile, I'm moving along, cleaning every corner of the house, decorating, cooking/baking for the holidays, shopping very prudently, etc. and all I can think is "What's going on? I'm not like this."
But there was no joy in accomplishing any of these things. All I felt was sadness, and that's not me; I've always loved Christmas. But why? My pdoc asked me about my early memories of Christmas, and while I have a few of them, when I thought about it, they were all painful and hurtful ones.
To make myself feel better, I've rationalized that I do these things at Christmas because I want to, and not because of what I expect from my kids, because they do grow up and move away.
So, I saw my pdoc earlier this week. The bouts of rage have stopped, and I told him he was wrong about how long it took the drug to wash out of my system. IMO, and I told him, I think pdocs underestimate the washout period. And I gave him a hard time about the phone call, in that he didn't "believe" me when I said it was the drug and he said it was an emotional issue.
He backed off and apologized if I had thought that he didn't believe me because that wasn't his intention at all and he thought he he had conveyed his opinon well in our phone conversation.
I said I was mad at him about the phone call, and he said that he knew I was mad when he first saw me in the waiting room. At that time, I didn't even know I was mad at him. (I never thought he paid that much attention.)
And then,I guess, I asked for reassurance from him, and he said he cares (never about me, just that he cares) and said this seems to come up periodically and he pointed out the pattern of how I get mad and need reassurance. And then he said, "I'm not going to leave you." He blew me away.
We talked about my intense sadness and pain that I've been feeling (while I've been so productive) and he said it was something to be endured. I am a different person since I started taking antidepressants years ago and I may not know yet who I am w/o the drugs. That scares me. Is this who I am now? Do I even like this person? It's like I'm so frenetic that I can't find my center anymore, and he says the center is shifting and it may take me a while to find it.
I didn't bargain for all this. So since I'm off the drug now, I asked him, "I guess this means we're finished, right?" I meant it honestly. And he just stared at me, boring his eyes into my soul. "So you want to run away," he said, "because that makes you more comfortable. You're afraid to deal with a positive, male authority, father figure." My jaw just dropped; I didn't know what to say.
Then I said something very difficult for me, and I have no idea why I said it: that I cared about him.(I'm not in love w/him or attracted to him at all, which is how my transference usually works) I am angry that I feel this way because when I first met him, I liked him because I didn't like him, if that makes sense. I thought, I can work w/this guy because I'm not attracted to him; he only brings forth negative transference (he's so authoritarian and rigid), which I thought would be very beneficial for me, to not get emotionally involved with him and he could help w/my father issues.
He then pointed out that negative transference is just the transparent, flip side of transference. But I never wanted to feel this way about him, I said, and I swore to myself this would never happen. I was safe with disliking him and arguing.
I realized I was talking about attachment. I have become attached to him and that is too scary for me. It makes me very uncomfortable.
He then talked about the transference and how it's necessary, and how I've never worked through it effectively in my life w/a male and how important that is.
So I reminded him that he always has said that my therapy has nothing to do with "us," that in fact we don't have a relationship. He agreed; this is not about us, it is about your transference.
I'm so confused. How can you have transference w/o having a relationship? I know the relationship may not be real because it's based on what I experienced in the past w/men because of my relationship w/my father. But how can he possibly say we have no relationship? And how can he not possibly see how hurtful it is for him to say that?
But he really believes this. What am I missing here? On the one hand, he says the transference is vital to the therapy, but on the other, he says "we" have no relationship. Huh?
There's so much more, but that's enough for now.
antigua
Posted by muffled on December 20, 2008, at 12:08:22
In reply to I'm confused, posted by antigua3 on December 20, 2008, at 1:25:15
Holy guacamole Antigua....
I just wanted you to know I am reading and thinking.
My kids are out of school for the hols so its harder to get on the computer, or even have a chance to think.
Its very intertesting,your post, but it sounds like things are kinda ok'ish.
I'll be thinking of you.
M
Posted by Phillipa on December 20, 2008, at 12:39:39
In reply to Re: I'm confused » antigua3, posted by muffled on December 20, 2008, at 12:08:22
I just wanted to say I wonder about these meds do they alter us so we are never the same or does the drug leave and our brains are the same. Sorry med topic but meds were part of the post. I'm also confused.Love Phillipa
Posted by rskontos on December 20, 2008, at 21:44:17
In reply to I'm confused, posted by antigua3 on December 20, 2008, at 1:25:15
So I reminded him that he always has said that my therapy has nothing to do with "us," that in fact we don't have a relationship. He agreed; this is not about us, it is about your transference.
I'm so confused. How can you have transference w/o having a relationship? I know the relationship may not be real because it's based on what I experienced in the past w/men because of >>my relationship w/my father. But how can he possibly say we have no relationship? And how can he not possibly see how hurtful it is for him to say that?
But he really believes this. What am I missing here? On the one hand, he says the transference is vital to the therapy, but on the other, he says "we" have no relationship. Huh?
There's so much more, but that's enough for now.
antigua>>>>I get what he says but now the question is can I explain it outloud(so much is still in my head). Mainly because this is how I feel about my p-doc who is my therapist. And because of where we are right now and all the thinking I have done about the "relationship" and my feelings about transference. Plus a discussion my p-doc/t had about why we never talked about my DID and him saying it is because I don't trust him so it isn't time to talk about it. Because of trust is needed to get fully into that and we are building a foundation.
Relationships are funny things. I in my head to myself tell myself I don't need my t. Because to me and in light of how I have been in my life and because of what I endured he can't matter. So my transference is the not needing him part. Yet he gets that and allows it into the relationship knowing that really I do need him and can't walk away although I tell myself I don't need him. He doesn't argue about that with me. He is allowing me to see it in my own time. To also see my transference in my own time or in my own words. That is if the word transference is too much for me then I can phrase it however I want because after all it is a word, but if the feelings and workings can still play out in therapy then it doesn't matter what it is called.
You can't allow a relationship or transference. You deemed him unlikeable so you could work with him. But inside you started to change but whatever you call it, the mechanics are working.
Maybe it is that he is able to take the place of the father figure and you have subconsciously allowed that without acknowledging the concept as transference or relationship because that is what your mind/brain needed to let it work.
Does that make sense.
I understand because my t and I went through a situation where he has been pushing me to go to school. I told him he was being pushy like a father and I needed him to back off. He said yes I am being too pushy but that is ok. because you have never had that in your life and you needed it. And it is good because you stood up to me and told me how you felt. So I allowed him to play the father figure and it worked without me saying ok you are the father figure etc etc. The dynamics of the relationship just worked. Me doing nothing but standing my ground without admitting anything of what he is or isn't to me.
I think that is kinda of what he means. In the end it really doesn't matter what it is called as long as it allowed to be there in the therapy room. Where it makes. If you can think of it as being necessary while in the safety of the therapy room to allow him to be like a father that it is all about YOU and what you need and it is ok that you will be ok. Then whether or not you have a relationship it is ok. Because you decide what is important in the therapy room. It is your therapy, your the most important person in that room. He is there for you. To help you trust and be safe.
I hope this makes sense.It probably doesn't. If not, I am sorry.
Like I said I understand but I can't explain it too well.
sorry
rsk
ps. sorry so long. I do think for some reason they can take over a fatherly or motherly role without a relationship or too much transference because it has happened in my own therapy as well. Again, I will think more about this and try to better organize my thoughts and try again.
Posted by DAisym on December 21, 2008, at 13:56:09
In reply to I'm confused, posted by antigua3 on December 20, 2008, at 1:25:15
Antigua,
So much of what you've written about your Pdoc makes me smile. I think he is afraid of the word "relationship." Because clearly you have one with him - and him with you. Even by rote definition, you are in a relationship. He say he cares, he talks about transference, he refers to himself as a "positive, male authority, father figure" - he just can't tolerate the label relationship. Makes me wonder. I love that he said he won't leave you, even though you don't need him for medication management anymore.
I think the rage is probably connect to several things right now and you are channeling most of those feelings into cleaning and cooking and Holiday prep. Sometimes having to do Holiday stuff, pretending to be cheerful makes one rageful. I think it is how we must have felt at the time of the abuse - pretending all is OK when it wasn't. And not having your child home creates so much conflict. For me, I know I'm a good mom (OK, most of the time I know it, sometimes I feel like the worst mom in the world.). The thought of not being the mom anymore - that my kids don't need me - makes me feel like I don't know who I am and what my purpose is. Being a mom was my center. What do you replace that with? Because attending to their needs took up the space and let me not attend to mine. So letting them go is hard and yet it is the right thing to do. I wish it wasn't so conflicted.
I also agree with you that the drugs dampen things and as they clear your system, your brain chemicals have to readjust - so sometimes there is too much of this or that - so we are overly weepy, or overly angry or perhaps appropriately so but we aren't use to the feelings so they feel over the top. I talk a lot about being a drama-queen in therapy. My therapist is always astounded. He says I'm far from being a drama queen but he thinks that being in touch with my feelings and verbalizing them makes me feel like one.
I hope you can not get stuck on forcing him to admit to a relationship but instead work with this realization that you do care for him and like him - that the attachment is/has happened. Often this attachment will unlock other areas of the brain and will stir up intense needs to defend against these feelings. You can expect some jealousy, some regression and lots of tenderness and sadness. We grieve when we finally really feel and realize that which we did not have. It is painful but as he said, necessary.
I like that you wrote so much. It is good to hear what is happening.
Posted by rskontos on December 21, 2008, at 19:05:45
In reply to Re: I'm confused » antigua3, posted by DAisym on December 21, 2008, at 13:56:09
missed the boat on your post antigua. so just forget what I said.
sorry, like I said, there are alot of things in my head(too much going on so I probably should not be responding) so I don't always get things right.
rsk
Posted by DAisym on December 21, 2008, at 22:44:40
In reply to Re: I'm confused » antigua3, posted by rskontos on December 20, 2008, at 21:44:17
****think that is kinda of what he means. In the end it really doesn't matter what it is called as long as it allowed to be there in the therapy room****
I think we said mostly the same thing - and there is no "right or wrong" here. I enjoyed reading what you wrote - Can I say you are too hard on yourself? (using my most gentle voice.)
Posted by antigua3 on December 22, 2008, at 6:30:06
In reply to Re: I'm confused » antigua3, posted by muffled on December 20, 2008, at 12:08:22
Thanks muffled. Yes, things are sort of OKish, and I'm going to try and keep them that way. I'm not going to go into a tailspin over it, although I can see how I could.
Just keep breathing, I think, and enjoy Christmas.
Happy Holidays,
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on December 22, 2008, at 6:30:50
In reply to Re: I'm confused, posted by Phillipa on December 20, 2008, at 12:39:39
Posted by antigua3 on December 22, 2008, at 6:38:45
In reply to Re: well, after reading Daisym post, I ....., posted by rskontos on December 21, 2008, at 19:05:45
I think you made sense rsktontos. It's just I have been trying to follow what you said and wanted to think about it.
You're right. It doesn't matter what it's "called," the fact that it's happening is probably good. And the twisted way I've gotten there--you're right. My pdoc has been working well with the negative transference all along and I haven't realized it.
I guess I should forget about labels, and just go with it. He did point out that my old ways of coping have gone by the wayside and I just have to accept for now that I can't figure it out. It may be too big for me to get my head around it yet and to let it go. That's very hard for me because I like things to be neat and tidy. He has shown me that many of my ways of thinking have been black/white or wrong when interpreted from his side, and he has been right.
So, I'm going to forget the labels and naming for now and just accept what he has to say, although it's very hard for me. I won't spend my time arguing over the defintion of "relationship," because I think he's being ridiculous. We have a relationship, I know that, and for now I just can't seem to grasp what his definition means.
Thank you for taking the time to post. I really, really appreciate it.
Happy Holidays to you!
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on December 22, 2008, at 7:04:56
In reply to Re: I'm confused » antigua3, posted by DAisym on December 21, 2008, at 13:56:09
I'm glad I made you smile! That makes my day, and it has just started. I know you have been one who has been unsure of my pdoc and our "fit." I can see now that I've clearly missed a lot of what he has had to say all along. He's more on the mark than I thought. Kind of scary--what else does he already know about me? Sometimes I want to ask that question, from a clinical standpoint, but when I have (i.e., he described my abuse as more than "severe"), I've been upset by his answers. He is one smart guy, though, even if he could use some lessons in compassion and empathy. I would say that these words don't exist in his vocabulary, but I could be wrong as I have been about many things.
One thing, however, is that I don't think he has positive unconditional regard for me. I don't feel that. I don't think that's his way.
He did tell me that he thinks I trust him during this conversation and I guess he's right. He's still pretty authoritarian, in my view, but... and yes, he his afraid of the word relationship, because as I posted, it's ridiculous to say we don't have one. Geez, I certainly have a relationship with my friends at Starbucks, no matter how simple that may be.
You're right, you're right, you're right about the mothering thing. Both my T and pdoc have pointed this out. I just don't want to believe that part of my job is done with my oldest. And yes, I know there are new relationships evolving and I just have to find ways to make them as satisfying.
About the rage. I did notice that a lot of it was directed toward my daughter, and I figured out that I was angry that she, too, one day would be leaving, and I'm mad at her for that, although it's not her fault at all. Once I realized that, I could let go a little, although that didn't explain the explosiveness of the rage, which I still attribute to the meds.
I hadn't thought about the rage being associated with the unexpressed anger I must have felt as a child. Good point. The holidays certainly are tough and for me to not acknowledge that I could be expressing this subconsciously is huge. Thanks again.
Usually, I would want to pin my pdoc to the wall to get him to admit that we do have a relationship, but I think I'll let let it go. In fact, we have a pretty intense relationship and for him to deny it is silly. So at this point I'm not going to insist because it would be interpreted as more transference.
It's funny that I hadn't noticed that there was a caring person under all that "rulesy" exterior, but there is one. But what a mess that puts me in--everything I didn't want, and it scares the dickens out of me. I want to curl up and cry that "This isn't what I wanted!" because it complicates everything, and I don't want him to hurt me. Scared to death of it. And it would be easy for me to interpret his actions as hurtful at times, because of the way he his, but I'm going to have to be open and honest about this and it's going to really, really hurt.
As to the meds, right now I'm just blue and not depressed, but I will keep an eye on it. He said if I was depressed, I wouldn't be accomplishing things, and boy oh boy have I been accomplishing things.
It goes back to "Do I like this person I've become?" I don't have that answer yet, but I know I have to give it time.
Thanks for letting me know I didn't write too much. I know I did, and I was embarrassed, but I couldn't seem to get straight to the point.
I hope you have a lovely holiday, meaning that I hope you're making time for yourself and your children. Try to keep away from as many of those triggering situations during this time.
I'm so proud of myself. One of my siblings asked to come for the holiday and I said No! because I know how triggering it would be, and how much I would hate it.
antigua
Posted by lucie lu on December 22, 2008, at 21:10:48
In reply to I'm confused, posted by antigua3 on December 20, 2008, at 1:25:15
Antigua,
I wish I could just give you a big hug. First of all, my oldest left home last Xmas; she went to the other side of the planet, literally. Her plane left Jan 1, and all I could think about all through the holidays was about her leaving. It was so hard for me, I don't do "transitions" well, meaning I cried for days! She had a great time, was there for six months and now she's back but it feels like borrowed time. Having kids leave is sooo hard, even if that's what they (and you) were meant to do. So that sucks, number one. Number two is that your pdoc is also, I don't know what. How can he possibly believe you and he do not have a relationship?Even the postman, we have a relationship with. So what's with that? I suppose you could have tranference without a personal relationship. For instance, I could see Johnny Depp and me... and we've never even met ;)
I have always loved Christmas too. The memories are of people and things all too fallible and human, but nonetheless, the spirit of the holiday always somehow touched me. I feel richer for it.
About the meds... it has always taken me *eons* to clear something from my system once I've been on it for a while. I have yet to find a pdoc who understands that! But ask my DH... believe me, no one knows the range of responses that individuals can have when going off these meds. They simply have not tested for them. So believe in your experience, and act accordingly. If you feel something is the meds, and really not something else, than it probably is the meds. However, the way in which your mood changes due to going off the meds might manifest are likely to reflect your history. When it rains on a mountain, wouldn't the water find its way down through usual paths? So if you are feeling rageful or depressed, wouldn't it be likely to be along particular lines, in accordance with your history? They are probably not mutually exclusive.
p.s. thanks for the story (many threads above)about your kids and telling them things and letting them accept things about us. I think you must be a very good mom.
Lucie
Posted by antigua3 on December 26, 2008, at 22:17:48
In reply to Re: I'm confused » antigua3, posted by lucie lu on December 22, 2008, at 21:10:48
Posted by antigua3 on December 26, 2008, at 22:37:28
In reply to I'm confused, posted by antigua3 on December 20, 2008, at 1:25:15
I've thought about this a lot, and I'm grateful for all the thoughtful responses so thank you, and here's what I'm going to do.
I have an appt early next week and if I have the guts, I'm going to go in, sit down and say, "I'm not going to run away. Now what?"
It will be very painful, and I do want to make it clear that i'm not in love w/him, etc. (why don't I want him to think that I might think this way? Because it's just not right, given our ages, etc., plus I'm really not attracted, but I don't want to hear that he isn't interested in me, etc., so there's something else to work on! Rejection, oh my!)
I don't want to get lost in chit chat, although that always serves a purpose. I don't want to talk about my work or my writing; in my usual impatient way, I want to get to this. I had serious bouts of rage on Christmas (unexpressed, and held in check, but they were there) and that can't be the med anymore, or at least it doesn't feel like it, so I want to explore the rage and why I feel this way.
He once promised me, if that's the right word, that the anger wouldn't come out explosively, it would trickle out, or at least that was one of our goals in therapy. But that's not what's happening, so we are moving into a new phase.
I'm still caught off guard by him saying that he thinks I trust him. Seems kind of presumptuous to me, but I've been wrong before. Too scary, really. So afraid of being hurt. Daisy mentioned the word "drama queen" to her T. I asked mine once if he thought I was one, and he said no. For me, maybe just expressing the anger makes me feel that I'm behaving badly. (In one transference w/a male figure, he once called me a drama queen and I don't think I've ever gotten over it, silly as he was being)
Expressing anger has never been a real option for me in therapy. I've expressed a little to my T, but haven't really gone there w/her when I should/could have. Protecting the mother figure is too important. So this is a whole new area for me, and one that has been aching for attention.
So there's my New Year's resolution, in addition to learning to cry again! It is going to be hard, one of the most difficult things I've done in therapy, and I will try to be ever present in it, emotionally and not just intellectually.
antigua
Posted by DAisym on December 26, 2008, at 23:21:24
In reply to I'm not going to be confused!, posted by antigua3 on December 26, 2008, at 22:37:28
Antigua,
Write it down. It is short - type it big and take it with you. This is so important. I really want you to say it. And then wait, don't rush in and try and take it back. I'm sure you will be scared, it is a HUGE leap. But I know you can do it. And, selfishly, I hope you continue to write about this phase of your therapy.
Anger is tricky. My therapist always tells me he won't let my anger destroy our relationship. When I say, "I was upset with you" he alwasy says, "I want to hear it. Tell me..." I feel like a petty fool sometimes, but othertimes he acknowledges that he messed up or that I had a right to be hurt. So it helps me trust myself.
And expressing the rage - for me it comes with shaking, nausea, tears and swear words. I think I've only raised my voice once but as my children and my staff will tell you, I'm deadly when I'm quiet. The madder I am, the quieter I get. The most out of control I've ever been was last spring when I was struggling with this overwhelming anger at my mother. I was fairly regressed and feeling very young and suddenly I asked my therapist, "what will she say, if I tell her?" He said, "what do you think she'll say?" And I lost it. I yelled at him, "NO, NO QUESTIONS! TELL ME WHAT SHE'LL SAY. WILL SHE BLAME ME? WILL SHE HATE ME?" Ug. I was just sobbing and I was so mad at him! He hesitated and then he told me what he thought she'd say. And we spent several sessions talking about how it felt to be that mad at him and what all that anger was "really" about. It was super scary - but look - I survived it.
You can too. I'm not sure anger trickles out - I think it trickles, boils, gushes, gets hot, goes cold and sometimes freezes completely. What is most important, I think, is to make sure you set up a winding down period so that you don't leave completely overwrought. We started stopping 5 minutes early so I could get myself together before I had to leave. It didn't always work, but boy I hated leaving mad at him. It felt even more awful.
I'm sending you energy for courage. Good luck.
Posted by antigua3 on December 27, 2008, at 0:45:29
In reply to Re: I'm not going to be confused! » antigua3, posted by DAisym on December 26, 2008, at 23:21:24
"Write it down. It is short - type it big and take it with you"
This cracked me up. You know me too well...
I get it that you think I should really do this. I already have cold feet, knowing that someone else agrees that it's what I should do.
You also nailed me on the other important aspect: "don't rush in and try and take it back." That is exactly what I would do.
So, you've made me think of this more seriously, although I had been thinking of it seriously. You just pointed out a few things that could scare the living daylights out of me because I hadn't thought this through enough.
That's it! I wrote the words but didn't think through them. I will now. So thank you.
I know it sounds like I'm laughing this off, but that's pure, abject fear talking. But thank you for reminding me to be prepared, not to back off and most importantly, to give myself a "cooling off" period at the end of the session. My pdoc frequently mentions that I "storm" out of his office, but it's usually because I've gotten annoyed at the end. (If he thinks that behavior is storming, I'm even more afraid of showing my anger, because that is nothing compared to what I feel inside!)
Thanks again Daisy.
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on December 27, 2008, at 1:17:26
In reply to Re: I'm not going to be confused! » DAisym, posted by antigua3 on December 27, 2008, at 0:45:29
I've never cared if I've gotten angry at my pdoc, or what he thought about me being angry at him, unless he thought it was unjustified and then, yes, we've "discussed" it and dealt with it. He doesn't care if I'm angry at him; he has made that clear. And I really don't care if I get angry at him. That has been the pattern of my negative transference.
So there's a dilemma here. Does he have to provoke the anger, or is it just going to spill out? No, it's not going to spill out on its own. There has to be a target. Can we just skip the transference and have the anger directed where it should be: to my father, and I guess my mother to a lesser extent. To repeat what I've always said, I've never been able to truly express the anger that I feel toward my father. I've suffused it with love, even though as I write this I see this more clearly than I ever have. but it is still unexpressed anger and the scale has to be balanced. Or does it, really?
back to being confused, but clearer nonetheless,
antigua
Posted by DAisym on December 27, 2008, at 11:58:32
In reply to Another thing, posted by antigua3 on December 27, 2008, at 1:17:26
I suspect that you wish what I wish - that figuring out how to express all the anger and outrage will somehow make it go away. That we will be able to release it by saying it.
I have found, at least for me, it doesn't work that way. Just like getting the memories - those aha! moments haven't taken the pain away.
I could give you my "therapy-isn't-an-after-school-special" speech, but you've heard it. :)
I think what expressing the anger does, is allow it. Slowly we say it outloud and come to terms with the truth of it. And by doing that, we figure out the when and where and who, instead of it leaking out on the wrong people. But it has to start with someone, so a therapist is a good person to pick. And I've found, that once I sort of get going, I can move it to the right person.
And there is something about it being OK to be mad that is such a relief. It has felt for a long time like another piece of the shame, that I'm angry over something so old.
It is super hard, no doubt about it.
Posted by antigua3 on December 27, 2008, at 15:25:54
In reply to Re: Another thing » antigua3, posted by DAisym on December 27, 2008, at 11:58:32
Now my bubble is burst. I thought getting it out was the winner, but I can see it's just the beginning. The difference for me is that my father is dead so it will be hard to express it to the right person. And I can't aim it at my mother. No way. She has had enough pain, and has acknowledged and supported me as best she can. She, of course, doesn't want me to talk about it, but I do bring it up at times when it fits the conversation. Long way to go w/her.
Thanks so much for your post. You're right, of course, but I hope at least expressing it will help me move forward in ways I haven't been able to.
antigua
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