Posted by rskontos on December 20, 2008, at 21:44:17
In reply to I'm confused, posted by antigua3 on December 20, 2008, at 1:25:15
So I reminded him that he always has said that my therapy has nothing to do with "us," that in fact we don't have a relationship. He agreed; this is not about us, it is about your transference.
I'm so confused. How can you have transference w/o having a relationship? I know the relationship may not be real because it's based on what I experienced in the past w/men because of >>my relationship w/my father. But how can he possibly say we have no relationship? And how can he not possibly see how hurtful it is for him to say that?
But he really believes this. What am I missing here? On the one hand, he says the transference is vital to the therapy, but on the other, he says "we" have no relationship. Huh?
There's so much more, but that's enough for now.
antigua>>>>I get what he says but now the question is can I explain it outloud(so much is still in my head). Mainly because this is how I feel about my p-doc who is my therapist. And because of where we are right now and all the thinking I have done about the "relationship" and my feelings about transference. Plus a discussion my p-doc/t had about why we never talked about my DID and him saying it is because I don't trust him so it isn't time to talk about it. Because of trust is needed to get fully into that and we are building a foundation.
Relationships are funny things. I in my head to myself tell myself I don't need my t. Because to me and in light of how I have been in my life and because of what I endured he can't matter. So my transference is the not needing him part. Yet he gets that and allows it into the relationship knowing that really I do need him and can't walk away although I tell myself I don't need him. He doesn't argue about that with me. He is allowing me to see it in my own time. To also see my transference in my own time or in my own words. That is if the word transference is too much for me then I can phrase it however I want because after all it is a word, but if the feelings and workings can still play out in therapy then it doesn't matter what it is called.
You can't allow a relationship or transference. You deemed him unlikeable so you could work with him. But inside you started to change but whatever you call it, the mechanics are working.
Maybe it is that he is able to take the place of the father figure and you have subconsciously allowed that without acknowledging the concept as transference or relationship because that is what your mind/brain needed to let it work.
Does that make sense.
I understand because my t and I went through a situation where he has been pushing me to go to school. I told him he was being pushy like a father and I needed him to back off. He said yes I am being too pushy but that is ok. because you have never had that in your life and you needed it. And it is good because you stood up to me and told me how you felt. So I allowed him to play the father figure and it worked without me saying ok you are the father figure etc etc. The dynamics of the relationship just worked. Me doing nothing but standing my ground without admitting anything of what he is or isn't to me.
I think that is kinda of what he means. In the end it really doesn't matter what it is called as long as it allowed to be there in the therapy room. Where it makes. If you can think of it as being necessary while in the safety of the therapy room to allow him to be like a father that it is all about YOU and what you need and it is ok that you will be ok. Then whether or not you have a relationship it is ok. Because you decide what is important in the therapy room. It is your therapy, your the most important person in that room. He is there for you. To help you trust and be safe.
I hope this makes sense.It probably doesn't. If not, I am sorry.
Like I said I understand but I can't explain it too well.
sorry
rsk
ps. sorry so long. I do think for some reason they can take over a fatherly or motherly role without a relationship or too much transference because it has happened in my own therapy as well. Again, I will think more about this and try to better organize my thoughts and try again.
poster:rskontos
thread:869792
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/869950.html