Posted by antigua3 on December 26, 2008, at 22:37:28
In reply to I'm confused, posted by antigua3 on December 20, 2008, at 1:25:15
I've thought about this a lot, and I'm grateful for all the thoughtful responses so thank you, and here's what I'm going to do.
I have an appt early next week and if I have the guts, I'm going to go in, sit down and say, "I'm not going to run away. Now what?"
It will be very painful, and I do want to make it clear that i'm not in love w/him, etc. (why don't I want him to think that I might think this way? Because it's just not right, given our ages, etc., plus I'm really not attracted, but I don't want to hear that he isn't interested in me, etc., so there's something else to work on! Rejection, oh my!)
I don't want to get lost in chit chat, although that always serves a purpose. I don't want to talk about my work or my writing; in my usual impatient way, I want to get to this. I had serious bouts of rage on Christmas (unexpressed, and held in check, but they were there) and that can't be the med anymore, or at least it doesn't feel like it, so I want to explore the rage and why I feel this way.
He once promised me, if that's the right word, that the anger wouldn't come out explosively, it would trickle out, or at least that was one of our goals in therapy. But that's not what's happening, so we are moving into a new phase.
I'm still caught off guard by him saying that he thinks I trust him. Seems kind of presumptuous to me, but I've been wrong before. Too scary, really. So afraid of being hurt. Daisy mentioned the word "drama queen" to her T. I asked mine once if he thought I was one, and he said no. For me, maybe just expressing the anger makes me feel that I'm behaving badly. (In one transference w/a male figure, he once called me a drama queen and I don't think I've ever gotten over it, silly as he was being)
Expressing anger has never been a real option for me in therapy. I've expressed a little to my T, but haven't really gone there w/her when I should/could have. Protecting the mother figure is too important. So this is a whole new area for me, and one that has been aching for attention.
So there's my New Year's resolution, in addition to learning to cry again! It is going to be hard, one of the most difficult things I've done in therapy, and I will try to be ever present in it, emotionally and not just intellectually.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:869792
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/870966.html