Posted by antigua3 on December 20, 2008, at 1:25:15
I'm not exactly sure what I want to say here, so I'm just going to write.
About a month ago, my pdoc and I agreed to eliminate my antidepressant from what I'm taking because it seemed to be causing me great agitation. I thought I was manic, really, because I was accomplishing huge amounts of things (which is very unlike me), but there was an intensity to it that scared me in a way.
So we had a long talk about whether we should try this during the holidays. I wanted off of it because of the agitation. Main problem: my oldest child won't be home for Christmas for the first time ever. It's for a good reason--he's traveling--and I'm very happy he has this opportunity. He will be home after the New Year for a couple of weeks before he heads back to college.
I didn't think this would bother me so much, but I kind of became consumed by it, this sadness that he wouldn't be here, and trying to figure out w/my T why I was feeling this intense feeling, and yes, of course, it's linked to childhood sadness, abuse, etc. at this time of the year, but I can't figure it out so that I can deal w/it and get over it, which is my usual way of coping.
Getting off the drug turned out to be hell even though it was really a six month taper. I had terrible bouts of rage (which I never, ever have).
I knew the rage was from the drug withdrawal. My pdoc didn't agree. He said the drug should already have been out of my system, and said he thought this was an "emotional issue," essentially the transition of my relationship w/my oldest child being gone.This discussion w/my pdoc was over the phone, when I got my nerve up to finally call him and tell him how horrible I was feeling.
Meanwhile, I'm moving along, cleaning every corner of the house, decorating, cooking/baking for the holidays, shopping very prudently, etc. and all I can think is "What's going on? I'm not like this."
But there was no joy in accomplishing any of these things. All I felt was sadness, and that's not me; I've always loved Christmas. But why? My pdoc asked me about my early memories of Christmas, and while I have a few of them, when I thought about it, they were all painful and hurtful ones.
To make myself feel better, I've rationalized that I do these things at Christmas because I want to, and not because of what I expect from my kids, because they do grow up and move away.
So, I saw my pdoc earlier this week. The bouts of rage have stopped, and I told him he was wrong about how long it took the drug to wash out of my system. IMO, and I told him, I think pdocs underestimate the washout period. And I gave him a hard time about the phone call, in that he didn't "believe" me when I said it was the drug and he said it was an emotional issue.
He backed off and apologized if I had thought that he didn't believe me because that wasn't his intention at all and he thought he he had conveyed his opinon well in our phone conversation.
I said I was mad at him about the phone call, and he said that he knew I was mad when he first saw me in the waiting room. At that time, I didn't even know I was mad at him. (I never thought he paid that much attention.)
And then,I guess, I asked for reassurance from him, and he said he cares (never about me, just that he cares) and said this seems to come up periodically and he pointed out the pattern of how I get mad and need reassurance. And then he said, "I'm not going to leave you." He blew me away.
We talked about my intense sadness and pain that I've been feeling (while I've been so productive) and he said it was something to be endured. I am a different person since I started taking antidepressants years ago and I may not know yet who I am w/o the drugs. That scares me. Is this who I am now? Do I even like this person? It's like I'm so frenetic that I can't find my center anymore, and he says the center is shifting and it may take me a while to find it.
I didn't bargain for all this. So since I'm off the drug now, I asked him, "I guess this means we're finished, right?" I meant it honestly. And he just stared at me, boring his eyes into my soul. "So you want to run away," he said, "because that makes you more comfortable. You're afraid to deal with a positive, male authority, father figure." My jaw just dropped; I didn't know what to say.
Then I said something very difficult for me, and I have no idea why I said it: that I cared about him.(I'm not in love w/him or attracted to him at all, which is how my transference usually works) I am angry that I feel this way because when I first met him, I liked him because I didn't like him, if that makes sense. I thought, I can work w/this guy because I'm not attracted to him; he only brings forth negative transference (he's so authoritarian and rigid), which I thought would be very beneficial for me, to not get emotionally involved with him and he could help w/my father issues.
He then pointed out that negative transference is just the transparent, flip side of transference. But I never wanted to feel this way about him, I said, and I swore to myself this would never happen. I was safe with disliking him and arguing.
I realized I was talking about attachment. I have become attached to him and that is too scary for me. It makes me very uncomfortable.
He then talked about the transference and how it's necessary, and how I've never worked through it effectively in my life w/a male and how important that is.
So I reminded him that he always has said that my therapy has nothing to do with "us," that in fact we don't have a relationship. He agreed; this is not about us, it is about your transference.
I'm so confused. How can you have transference w/o having a relationship? I know the relationship may not be real because it's based on what I experienced in the past w/men because of my relationship w/my father. But how can he possibly say we have no relationship? And how can he not possibly see how hurtful it is for him to say that?
But he really believes this. What am I missing here? On the one hand, he says the transference is vital to the therapy, but on the other, he says "we" have no relationship. Huh?
There's so much more, but that's enough for now.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:869792
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/869792.html