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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on December 23, 2008, at 11:36:08
I've said in other posts that I no longer feel like a poster here, but this has been a major theme for me lately and bit my butt hard enough to leave a bruise last night, so...
Without going into details about my situation, I'm struggling with the issues in the subject line right now. I am isolated, with too few social resources, and no clue how to find new ones. Last night, I found myself crying in my car as I drove along, because it felt as though I was the one reaching out to others, with no one reaching out to me in return.
(This is Real Life, Face To Face Life, not electronic life, in which I have recently received a number of very heart-warming messages from people here. I appreciated those messages, and admit some brought those warm tears to my eyes, the sort that come because my heart cannot contain all the good feelings. Thank you.)
ThreeD Life, though -- how does one go about repairing one's social life after years of isolation? How does one make friends, when one is past a certain age? When one does not work? And how does one go about creating friendships in which others do some of the inviting, too?
Or at least return calls? Or maybe sometimes initiate the calls?
And how does one deal with those feelings of loneliness? Those fears that one can never escape it? Those fears of being unloved and unwanted forever?
Anyone here have any ideas? Can you share anything you've found that has helped you? (Can you send either a knight on a white charger, or at least space aliens to take me away so I can escape the next two weeks? Somehow, I'm thinking a rectal probe couldn't be worse than what I'm anticipating...)
Thanks. And I hope that someone benefits from these questions, whether or not anyone has any responses.
Posted by muffled on December 23, 2008, at 11:47:38
In reply to Isolation, loneliness, and one-sided friendships, posted by Racer on December 23, 2008, at 11:36:08
((racer,)) that beutiful post.
I try and post later, go to go but I care bout you and I got some ideas.
I be back OK?
M
Posted by rskontos on December 23, 2008, at 12:27:52
In reply to Isolation, loneliness, and one-sided friendships, posted by Racer on December 23, 2008, at 11:36:08
Racer,
I struggle with this too. I mean the social thing. I have a husband and children but my H is a loner so I have to remind him sometimes that I need him to include me.
But as women we need other women. Men just don't always relate to us. But as women we need men too. So I guess perhaps you need both.
Since you don't work, perhaps you need to join either a club, take up a hobby or take a class. And then there is volunteering or being an intern somewhere.
All of these would be hard for me. But I am going to try to encourage you to think about trying one of these.
I just recently accepted a job for the money but also for the social interaction. It is hard for me. I dissociated during the interview. But I know it is good for me to be out in the world in order to heal.
So maybe some of this helps you find a way to connect with the world in order to start build a network of people. Just a small one at first that will later add up to create a bigger one.
Maybe I am all wrong but I want to help.
I just think volunteering is probably the best way to get around people. You really just need one friend first then build on that.
I am probably the last one to answer you but I wanted to.
I don't have many close friends, I don't let them in, but I can get people talking when I am around them.
I care about you struggling though. I am sorry you feel so bad.
Maybe I helped. I hope so. Take care.
As I told Sid, This season to be jolly will thankfully be over soon and the sun will shine again and we can go back to being not so depressed I hope.
rsk
Posted by Phillipa on December 23, 2008, at 13:15:16
In reply to Re: Isolation, loneliness, and one-sided friendshi » Racer, posted by rskontos on December 23, 2008, at 12:27:52
I have no IRL friends including family and husband they have deserted me physically and emotionally. Volunteering all I've done is given to others all my life so I relate. But is it selfish to want to receive just once in my life have someone care about me and want to be with me? Phillipa
Posted by seldomseen on December 23, 2008, at 14:56:26
In reply to Isolation, loneliness, and one-sided friendships, posted by Racer on December 23, 2008, at 11:36:08
Racer,
I'm so glad you posted this. I'm older (late 30's), single and live alone.I don't date much (I'm not really that good at it) and from the outside looking in I bet I look miserable. But I'm rarely lonely.
Loneliness, IMO is an intrinsic thing. It comes from within us. One can be lonely surrounded by a group of people. It has to do peace with one's self, an acceptance of one's situation and, I don't know, it's almost like a certain *knowing* that "I am enough. Other people may make me better, but I'm okay."
Now isolation, I believe to be an extrinsic thing that can be dealt with pretty handily, when one is ready to let it go. My best advice to end isolation is to find something you love doing and do it.
I know that may sound glib and "hallmarky", but if you are doing something you love - odds are someone else is doing it too. Reach out to them, or you might be surprised to find them reaching out to you. You start off with a strong common interest and can build from there.
I found a whole new family where I volunteer. Literally, I call them my family ( you should know that some people call us a cult ;), but whatever). From those relationships there, I've met new people and I have a pretty good bunch of folks with me. (yes these are the crazy tiger people - but it's a good kind of crazy!).
I know this may sound odd, but I actually moved to be closer to the facility. I go over there to eat when I don't feel like cooking, and people there pop into my house for - whatever.
It took me a while though to find that thing I loved, and it was accomplished in fits and starts. Sometimes I tried to force it (I remember one stint at the bone marrow transplant unit - what an unmitigated disaster that was), and that's usally when I ended up with a bunch of one-sided friends. But I finally hit "it" you know, mutually satisfying relationships.
Now, isolation and loneliness, though I think the stem from different sources, are still intertwined. It's funny how finding a "home" or doing something you love helps one to deal with and stamp out loneliness. It helps to change that factor (whatever it is) that locks us into lonely. Maybe the acceptance from others helps us to see the value in ourelves. I don't know.
As I ramble to a close, in a nutshell, first seek to end the isolation, then work on the lonely.
Love
Seldom.
ps I really really really didn't mean for that to sound as lectury as it came across.
Posted by LadyBug on December 23, 2008, at 18:25:04
In reply to Isolation, loneliness, and one-sided friendships, posted by Racer on December 23, 2008, at 11:36:08
I'm guilty of ignoring my good friends, not on purpose. I suffer from depression and I find it very hard to want to add anything to my schedule besides work and home. I have great friends but it seems they are the ones always asking me to hang out together. I'm sure a few of them are waiting to see how much time passes before I invite them to do something.
So you probably wouldn't want me for a friend. But on the good side of my friendships, I can make people have a good time and laugh their self silly. I cope with depression through humor.
I wish we all had one very special person in our life that would give us the love and understanding that we long for.I got a glimpse of what that would feel like with my T. I felt loved and cared about. But it's not a real relationship in the sense we can go hang out with them or have access to them whenever we'd like.
I know it is hard to feel so lonely, especially at this time of year. The holiday's seem to be a sad time for me. It reminds me of how much I long for and don't have in my life.
You have babble friends. We understand and don't want you to ever feel like you are alone. You are not alone here. Reach out and tell someone here when you need a hug, even though it's a cyber hug. I know I've felt a lot of support here during this past year and it's been a year I don't ever want to relive.Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by Poet on December 24, 2008, at 11:53:09
In reply to Isolation, loneliness, and one-sided friendships, posted by Racer on December 23, 2008, at 11:36:08
Hi Racer,
I met one of my IRL best friends in a college class. The instructor had us write on a card what grade we wanted and then he read it out loud. Mine said "a B or better so my employer reimburses my tuition." She said "a C or better so my employer pays me back" or something to that effect.
In any case we looked at each and from across the room and before the semester was up were friends. I recommend evening classes if you can get them as there are more "adults" at night than during the day. It worked for me by accident and I am far from social.
Poet
Posted by Looney Tunes on December 27, 2008, at 20:32:10
In reply to Isolation, loneliness, and one-sided friendships, posted by Racer on December 23, 2008, at 11:36:08
Hey Racer,
I wanted to respond, although I am not considered one of the "group" here at Babble.
Your post hit me like a ton of bricks. It sounded just like me.
I have no family and I have no friends. I grew up in foster care and am basically terrified of relationships with people. I don't trust a soul. I do work, but I work with kids and after work I come home and stay inside. I have a couple of cats and dogs and they are my comfort.
But, that being said, a couple of years ago where I used to live, when I got out of the hospital, I promised my doctor I would do something, so I chose to volunteer at an animal shelter. It was the best thing I ever did. No-one cared about what I looked like or if I was "weird" or not, they just thought it was cool that I wanted to help animals. We were all together for a common cause. And I even started just doing solidary things like walking the dogs or playing with them.
Unfortunately I moved and am finding myself stuck in the position of having no-one for the past 2 years. I promised myself in the New Year that I was going to find a place to volunteer.
It is SOOOO hard, but if you can choose a place to volunteer, the people are usually so happy that you all have a common cause or goal in mind. I was terrified, but each time got easier. And if I wanted, all I had to do was talk about animals....never about me or anything until I was ready.
Maybe you can try and make it a goal in 2009 to find a place to volunteer. Maybe we could both make a pact that we are going to try this in the New Year.
Trust me though...I hear you.
Posted by lucie lu on December 28, 2008, at 18:21:25
In reply to Re: Isolation, loneliness, and one-sided friendships » Racer, posted by Looney Tunes on December 27, 2008, at 20:32:10
> I wanted to respond, although I am not considered one of the "group" here at Babble.
LT, what on earth gave you that idea?? You have been a frequent poster. I remember many things you've said about yourself, and I'm sure others have too. Sharing is what makes you present. Like all of us you post when you can and want to. That's OK. But not a babbler? That's pretty extreme. And I don't think it is true either.
Take care,
Lucie
Posted by raisinb on December 29, 2008, at 14:28:00
In reply to Isolation, loneliness, and one-sided friendships, posted by Racer on December 23, 2008, at 11:36:08
Racer,
I struggle with those issues, too. It's so impossible to feel like others really *want* to connect with me, sometimes.It took me a long time, with therapy, and some painful relationship experiences to learn how much I contributed to my own isolation by assuming I'd be rejected if I reached out, so not doing it, thus making others think that I didn't want the connection. Even though I know this, I still enter these cycles constantly--usually at the first sign of a small setback in my emotional health.
The only solution I've found is to be aware of this and to do it anyway. I know that's not very helpful advice. But I have been truly overwhelmed several times in the past few years to learn how much people really do care, even when I assumed they didn't. Sometimes I keep track of how many times I actually do get rejected when I reach out to people, and the number really does end up being insignificant. These kinds of objective measures help combat the deep feelings of unworthiness that I carry inside me.
Maybe a "safer" way to start is through social groups that stay in touch and network online, but have IRL events, too. I did this when I first moved to a new city 4 years ago and knew no one. It was tough and took a lot of superficial small talk, but I am glad I did it, because it resulted in some long-lasting friends.
Finally, don't put too much pressure on yourself to create friendships. Everything isn't under your control, though we can all get better at expressing our needs and reaching out to others. This is going to sound ridiculously cheesy, but I think about the deepest, most important relationships in my life, and most of them were not ones I sought out or was looking for. Life truly does have a way of throwing things in our path that we didn't plan for, but end up being just what we needed.
I hope you feel less alone soon and know that babble is here for you. ((((Racer)))
Posted by lucie lu on December 29, 2008, at 15:24:52
In reply to Isolation, loneliness, and one-sided friendships, posted by Racer on December 23, 2008, at 11:36:08
Racer,
This is such a horrible time of year in many ways. Even when we can otherwise stand having too few social contacts, the holiday season just nails you with feelings of loneliness. And then it seems like whatever contacts we have, can be difficult. Sound sufficiently Scrooge-ish?
I understand that cyber-friends are different from RL friends. I hope you do feel connected with your cyberfriends, because I know you have many. But I also know that RL is different. If I knew you in RL even to the extent that I do on babble, I know that you would be a person I would like to have as a friend. So often, a potentially terrific friendship could be just around the corner, the problem is how to connect.
I am not literally alone now and if figuratively so, that's another story. I have lived alone and been alone at those times. I really think the advice offered by others here to volunteer is about the best. I found that simply being at work was not enough because people were there out of necessity; they might or might not want to be friends but we were all there because we needed a paycheck. But volunteering is a labor of love, and sharing that can create strong connections between people. It can also help us to connect with the strongest and healthiest parts of ourselves, and when we help others (two-legged or four-legged), we get so much back. Hobby-based groups are good too, since they do bring together people of similar interests. And of course, some people find that faith-based groups and activities forge strong and enduring connections as well.
I'm sorry that you are feeling so isolated, Racer. I do wish that sometimes there was more overlap between cyber and RL. Then you'd get "credit" for all of the good things you've done and for all of the good will from others that you have earned by just being you. Jammies and all ;)
((((((((((Racer)))))))))))
Hugs,
Lucie
Posted by Yanaawn on December 31, 2008, at 21:35:13
In reply to Isolation, loneliness, and one-sided friendships, posted by Racer on December 23, 2008, at 11:36:08
Dear Racer,
Not to sound overtly cliche, but I can personally identify with what you are experiencing. I have been divorced for 20 months now, and due to that predicament was forced to move in with my supposed friend and his family (and now his fiance). Like yourself I have tried so hard to make connections with 3D people, but it never seems to work out. I always end up being the one initiating things. Even with the people I stay with, if I do not initiate conversation or interaction they walk around oblivious.
Like yourself, I really do not have answers, but rather questions...How does one go about repairing one's social life after years of isolation? (Ten years, in my case.) How does one make friends, when one is past a certain age? (I am 44 years of age.) And how does one go about creating friendships in which others do some of the inviting, too? (If I only knew the answer to this question!)
The sad thing about being lonely and isolated these days is that people in general have forgotten how to be someone's friend; how to look beyond themselves in action and behavior. I live in a household of five people, but I might as well be alone, because that is how it feels. As 2009 approaches I am at my wits end!
Any suggestions?
Posted by Kath on January 2, 2009, at 14:15:58
In reply to Re: Isolation, loneliness, and one-sided friendships » Racer, posted by seldomseen on December 23, 2008, at 14:56:26
Seldom,
I agree with you & rsk about the volunteering thought.
I wonder if it would feel comfortable to you, to give some kind of idea of the type of volunteering that you do....I'm just thinking that perhaps people in that area are more open than others.
thx for your post.
:-) Kath
Posted by Racer on January 3, 2009, at 20:38:26
In reply to Isolation, loneliness, and one-sided friendships, posted by Racer on December 23, 2008, at 11:36:08
I really wasn't ignoring them -- I've been sick, and not online.
I appreciate all the responses, and the ideas. A huge part of my problem is being so isolated, that my social skills are -- well, they're about gone. And the only way to improve them is to practice, and I can't practice without social contact, so -- so, I'm feeling pretty well hopeless right now. (Even my therapist suggested maybe my social skills were lacking, and that's why I was so isolated...) (And being sick leaves me at very low ebb -- thinking about this has me very unhappy right now, so I'm going to make this short so I can escape.)
Thank you again, to all who responded.
This is the end of the thread.
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