Posted by raisinb on December 29, 2008, at 14:28:00
In reply to Isolation, loneliness, and one-sided friendships, posted by Racer on December 23, 2008, at 11:36:08
Racer,
I struggle with those issues, too. It's so impossible to feel like others really *want* to connect with me, sometimes.It took me a long time, with therapy, and some painful relationship experiences to learn how much I contributed to my own isolation by assuming I'd be rejected if I reached out, so not doing it, thus making others think that I didn't want the connection. Even though I know this, I still enter these cycles constantly--usually at the first sign of a small setback in my emotional health.
The only solution I've found is to be aware of this and to do it anyway. I know that's not very helpful advice. But I have been truly overwhelmed several times in the past few years to learn how much people really do care, even when I assumed they didn't. Sometimes I keep track of how many times I actually do get rejected when I reach out to people, and the number really does end up being insignificant. These kinds of objective measures help combat the deep feelings of unworthiness that I carry inside me.
Maybe a "safer" way to start is through social groups that stay in touch and network online, but have IRL events, too. I did this when I first moved to a new city 4 years ago and knew no one. It was tough and took a lot of superficial small talk, but I am glad I did it, because it resulted in some long-lasting friends.
Finally, don't put too much pressure on yourself to create friendships. Everything isn't under your control, though we can all get better at expressing our needs and reaching out to others. This is going to sound ridiculously cheesy, but I think about the deepest, most important relationships in my life, and most of them were not ones I sought out or was looking for. Life truly does have a way of throwing things in our path that we didn't plan for, but end up being just what we needed.
I hope you feel less alone soon and know that babble is here for you. ((((Racer)))
poster:raisinb
thread:870481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/871306.html