Shown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 30, 2008, at 9:55:52
I know I am in the heart of it probably. It just hurts so bad to admit this stuff, I am opening up to my T, probably more than any T. I hate the raw emotions that is coming up in me.
I exposed the fact I don't want those emotions to come up because I will feel so alone that it feels like dying inside.(like when I was a child)
My T told me how she will help me feel not alone.
The first idea was to bring people into the room with me in an exercised, which I could at first, then it turned on me because I realized they are all dead or not available to me. So it made me feel even more alone than before because I have nobody. At least anybody who I can lean on to hold me up going through what I am going through. The people I brought with me was my grandma and my first T, they are who I feel within me.That brought up some strong emotions within me that I still can't seem to shake days later, because THEY are gone. The story of my life, being alone, being unaccepted, being uncared for. I think feeling this my whole life is worse than the abuse I suffered as a child. I am sure it is abuse's effects.
So facing my past is also facing the fact I feel very much alone in this world like a just born baby being left alone on a cold metal table to fend for themselves.
Posted by Partlycloudy on November 30, 2008, at 12:04:37
In reply to I am hating what therapy is bring out in me : (, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 30, 2008, at 9:55:52
I'm having a different thought about this. That even though we may have had people accompany us during various times on our life journey, that we are, at the heart of it, either totally alone, or never really alone. (Oh, cripes, what am I trying to say here?)
That maybe the people that we WANT to have on our journey aren't the ones who are able to be there for us (like our mothers, or our spouses, or our siblings, or our friends). But, at the same time, we find unexpected partners in unlikely places - like I found my childhood teachers had filled the roles of affectionate parents for me - but I've only been able to see this in hindsight.
Maybe this is part of what your therapist is alluding to in promising that you are NOT alone. You might be able to find, in looking back, that you had some companionship in your journey up to this point. (I remember that you too had some good experiences with teachers in your past - they were able to substitute, at least in part, for what you lacked so sorely at home.) It's a matter, for me, in being able to take a different look at the same picture. Nothing in the picture changes except how I look at it.
Having said all all that, I definitely honor the emotions and feelings that you are experiencing right now. In many ways I think that you are MUCH further down the path of recovery than I am, and I can't help but feel that your capacity for being able to feel will continue to serve you well.
pc
Posted by Phillipa on November 30, 2008, at 12:55:45
In reply to Re: I am hating what therapy is bring out in me » SlugSlimersSoSlided, posted by Partlycloudy on November 30, 2008, at 12:04:37
Agree feeling if better than not feeling. And I can't feel nor cry. It would be wonderful to cry and be able to go out. Anger is powerful and I feel for me when angry I am stronger. Feedback as so much confusion of this too. Love Phillipa
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 30, 2008, at 13:50:04
In reply to Re: I am hating what therapy is bring out in me » SlugSlimersSoSlided, posted by Partlycloudy on November 30, 2008, at 12:04:37
I get what you are saying Partly Cloudy, teachers have probably saved me from true insanity or a life of crime. I think living in a small conservative town helped a lot too. Teachers, my grandma, friends parents, and Mrs. Ramer my babysitter, did give me love while growing up. Also wholesome TV shows also showed me a different way of living, so unlike how my parents were. The shows taught me values that I soaked up like a sponge.
What I feel now is something more deeper, almost primal in nature, of what I didn't have and how it made me feel alone growing up. I didn't have a safe place to fall, even with others who helped, it didn't take care of all my needs or fears. I felt rejected a lot in my school years. Growing up in a very conservative town, I was out-casted and shunned because I didn't go to church. I had classmates who couldn't be my friend or guys who couldn't date me because of this. I don't blame the kids now, it is how they were taught, but it still hurt very deeply.
Then the friends I did have, their parents became wary of their kids coming over to my house because of the way my parents and brother were. Not too many parents would want their kids to be in a house were my brother would chase them with knives or my dad would threaten to spank them if they didn't behave.
So by high school I felt so alone even though I had circle of friends and a group of girls who I became their mentor. My liberal beliefs didn't fit in well with extreme conservatives. The fact I wanted to even go to college was frowned on, the fact I wanted to be a band director, was even worse. Women are suppose to marry and become wives and mothers, not have a "man occupations".But what I am trying to describe is something else.
What hurts the most, is being alone in the horrible abuse that was going on at home, with feeling I could tell now one. That is the primal feelings of being alone that I am feeling. When someone one is abusing you especially as a child, you lose a part of you deep down. That part is what I am feeling now. It is hard to explain what I am talking about. It feels very primitive like sadness and loss. I think it took away my feeling safe and secure that every child needs. It took away my innocence of being a child. I wasn't ever a child, I was a child prisoner of war. I was more concerned with surviving, than playing house with the other girls. I didn't get the good parenting, the one that makes one a thriving individual as an adult.Bad things can happen to everyone, but most have had a childhood who gave them something to feel valued, supported, and real, and they recover more easily or even faster (not always though). But some of us who never had that, don't even know how to turn to help when something happens because we never learned we can lean on anyone.
I feel like I am not making much sense, but there is something beyond accepting the abuse as a child, there is something I never received either, something that makes a person feel whole.
It scares me. So if I didn't receive love and acceptance as a child, what filled that void? What am I now and can it be changed. Can you truly expel the ugly stuff you learned as a child, and fill it with things one should have received growing up. Or is that damage just something you have to live with. Feeling alone in this world is just one of the horrible things I learned from childhood, there was no safety.
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 30, 2008, at 13:54:41
In reply to Re: I am hating what therapy is bring out in me, posted by Phillipa on November 30, 2008, at 12:55:45
Hi Phillipa,
I am not sure if I am following your post, could you explain more.
Posted by Phillipa on November 30, 2008, at 14:07:04
In reply to Re: I am hating what therapy is bring out in me » Phillipa, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 30, 2008, at 13:54:41
Of course I'll try sometimes not very good with expressing this type of stuff. I kind of got off track. I was thinking okay she's angry. Well gee when I'm angry I seem to be better and stronger as it takes strength to be angry. If just sitting and saying nothing I'm passive letting others walk over me. If I could rant I'd be expressing the feeling pent up inside that make me feel so afraid of life? Ask more if not clear. As I said haven't had actually any good theraphy. Love Phillipa
Posted by Partlycloudy on November 30, 2008, at 14:16:55
In reply to Re: I am hating what therapy is bring out in me » Partlycloudy, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 30, 2008, at 13:50:04
> But what I am trying to describe is something else.
> What hurts the most, is being alone in the horrible abuse that was going on at home, with feeling I could tell now one. That is the primal feelings of being alone that I am feeling. When someone one is abusing you especially as a child, you lose a part of you deep down. That part is what I am feeling now. It is hard to explain what I am talking about. It feels very primitive like sadness and loss. I think it took away my feeling safe and secure that every child needs. It took away my innocence of being a child. I wasn't ever a child, I was a child prisoner of war. I was more concerned with surviving, than playing house with the other girls. I didn't get the good parenting, the one that makes one a thriving individual as an adult.
>
> Bad things can happen to everyone, but most have had a childhood who gave them something to feel valued, supported, and real, and they recover more easily or even faster (not always though). But some of us who never had that, don't even know how to turn to help when something happens because we never learned we can lean on anyone.
>
> I feel like I am not making much sense, but there is something beyond accepting the abuse as a child, there is something I never received either, something that makes a person feel whole.
>
> It scares me. So if I didn't receive love and acceptance as a child, what filled that void? What am I now and can it be changed. Can you truly expel the ugly stuff you learned as a child, and fill it with things one should have received growing up. Or is that damage just something you have to live with. Feeling alone in this world is just one of the horrible things I learned from childhood, there was no safety.
>
OK, I am hearing you. I think that even now, even as grown up people we are able to find ways to eventually compensate developmentally in a lot of ways with what was withheld from us as small children. I understand now that my mother emotionally abandoned me as an infant, even though she hung around for many years. I know that I have many scars on my body that are as a result of sheer neglect - sores that became infected and then scarred, instead of being tended to. To me they are emblematic of the emotional and mental scars that I bear still and perhaps to a deeper degree because of being left alone and to my own devices when I could have been, might have been, SHOULD have been hugged, nestled, whispered to, and just loved for my very own sake. These things just didn't ever happen, so I have to find a way - on my own - to make it happen now. It's a lonely journey in many ways. In other ways, there's a lot of company - it all depends on how you look upon it. You can see yourself as a victim, or you can see yourself as your own creator.I teeter on the line, most of the time. My therapist is a huge cheerleader for my side. I'm choosing to have people around me who are on my side. I also listen, most willingly, to other views. They can prickle my vanity, hurt to listen, but I always learn.
I think that's what brings me back to babble, most times. *grin*
Posted by seldomseen on November 30, 2008, at 14:47:28
In reply to Re: I am hating what therapy is bring out in me » Partlycloudy, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 30, 2008, at 13:50:04
Oh boy. Man do I know that primal, lost, alone feeling very very well.
How that pain can reach out to us even all these years later is simply a mystery to me.
HF, I know this feels like the loneliest place in the world. I know you are re-experiencing so many hurtful things from your childhood. I know it's just grief laden on sorrow.
But a wise person on babble once told me that there are those who have traveled this road ahead of me. There are signposts along the way that have been left behind by those previous travelers.
You have come to one of those signpoints. You are on the right path. You are looking at what happened to you full on, with courage and a willingness to feel the pain you couldn't feel as a child.
I know it may not feel like it, but this will pass. It will get better in its time. You will not be stuck in this place.
The issues of safety and nurturance are such huge issues for me, and you too I bet (though we all have our special dragons to slay that are unique to us). These issues I'm sure you will address when the time comes.
Another thing that I'm also sure of is that you are a survivor. You have survived hell, now you can survive the aftermath. I bet you will thrive even.
In my opinion, sad as it may be, there is no one that can truly take away the loneliness of our journey. Only those that can promise to be with us as we go.
Peace to you my fellow traveler.
Seldom.
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 30, 2008, at 16:00:15
In reply to Re: I am hating what therapy is bring out in me » SlugSlimersSoSlided, posted by Partlycloudy on November 30, 2008, at 14:16:55
Do you know about the physical effects of child abuse has or had on your body? Not the scars but the stuff you don't see like increased hormones and stuff. I know I learned that a lot of times girls will mature early due to the increased hormones and other stuff I can't remember off hand right now. I know I was nine when I had my menses. I am wondering if the physical stuff with our brains and how it changed the frontal lobes (most abused children have smaller frontal lobes) . Is there any way to change that? I know that the brain is very resilient and you can develop new synapses even at an old age. So I was thinking that maybe you can rewire your brain physically not just emotionally. Maybe it is too soon to know.
I know now that I have been suffering from PTSD even as a child. My T has shown me examples of myself. I thought it was just something 3 years ago, but that is what triggered the worst of it.
There is a reason we have PTSD, a lot of it has to do with the past and how our body reacts. I know EMDR can help the symptoms of PTSD, and I know it caused chemical changes in the body. There is a huge EMDR study that will be coming out soon that shows actual empirical evidence of the change in the brain and the body.I think I am confusing myself at the moment. haha! I am just wondering can we overcome the damage done to our bodies, the stuff we don't see, the stuff that causes to react to situations differently than others. Then if we do control the symptoms of PTSD, can we reverse the child abuse effects on our bodies.
Because I know I am safe intellectually, and feel that way most of the time, but then my mom or someone will trigger it , and I feel it in my body, not just emotionally. With the holidays coming up I am trying to prepare myself for intrusive contact from my mom or her mom, or someone from that side of the family, but it zaps me every time even when I think I am doing better or when I feel I am prepared.
I do choose to be a survivor instead of a victim, but don't you have to come to terms with what happened to you in order to heal it? I have hidden from it for years, and it did get me far, but it does seem to catch up to you eventually. So I guess I am in the part of trying to acknowledge that it did happen. I think maybe you have come farther than me or maybe it is we all deal with different aspects of this at different times. lol
I am just wondering if you have to actually change the damage that was done to use physical if even possible in order to heal some of our emotional wounds. Are there some wounds that just can't be healed like developmental growth that happens when we grow as infants and children. Can that be reversed? I sure hope so because I am tired of just dealing with symptoms, and not truly healing.
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 30, 2008, at 16:16:38
In reply to Re: I am hating what therapy is bring out in me » SlugSlimersSoSlided, posted by seldomseen on November 30, 2008, at 14:47:28
oh, Seldom, if you could see my tears in my eyes from reading your post. It sounds like you have been where I am because you get what I am talking about. It feels so unsurmountable right now, and the the pain goes very deep. I had no idea all that pain was within me. It may just be the beginning too, and that scares me.
In my last session when I was disclosing how I feel alone when I am in grief, I had trouble even getting it out. I said I wanted her to sit next to me or SOMETHING to know that I wasn't alone when suffering my crying and sadness. My voice cracked through my tears, I said it was very hard to ask for what I need because I know there are boundaries in therapy. Maybe the fact that I got up the courage to ask for what I needed in order to go through this, maybe it is a sign that I am ready to do it. After disclosing this, I felt myself become very angry at myself for asking. She saw the look in my eyes and it kinda froze her or she sure took notice that is. I think she knew something was triggered in me and saw it first hand.She knew I had to come down from all the emotions which she did beautifully.
I was then crying because it felt so good to be comforted by her. It was very empowering for me.
I bared my soul to her, and she handled it with care, and she didn't hurt me like what I was used to.
It reminded me of when I first got my guinea pigs and my cockatiel. They were so afraid, and did what their instincts taught them naturally, to stay away. But eventually with time, love, and trust, they overcame their instincts to not be so afraid of me, and now they look forward to the attention. Maybe I can be as brave as them.
Posted by twinleaf on November 30, 2008, at 16:44:32
In reply to Re: I am hating what therapy is bring out in me » Partlycloudy, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 30, 2008, at 16:00:15
I think the best answer is both a yes and a no. We will probably never heal completely from early traumatic experiences: our brains and our stress hormone levels will be slightly different than they would have been if we had been protected and loved as children. On the other hand, almost all the new information which is coming out about the brain is extremely encouraging and promising. We all form new neurons, and new connections between them every day, even when we are old. And people know so much more about how therapy works- how important the relationship is, as well as the "moments of meeting", which make such a powerful impact, far beyond speech or interpretations. When you find a therapist with whom you can have these new experiences, I think it enables you to move away, emotionally, from the original trauma. The original interpersonal trauma is now not the only relationship you have experienced; you have the chance of kind of "reworking" that old one in the light of the new one. Being in the middle of doing that myself, I can say that what seems to happen is that, although you never forget or forgive, it begins to seem less important. You begin to have a feeling that you can do what you need to do to have a good life, despite your past.. Once you know that, the past, no matter how horrible, begins to have less and less of a grip on you.I'm positive, personally, that our brains are physically changing while this is happening (imaging technology just hasn't caught up enough to show it yet)
Sadly, I don't think any of us can accomplish this without plunging in and feeling just how horrible and lonely it really was.
My therapist wants me to bring in the very worst- no editing or manicuring to make it less painful or more palatable. It sounds like yours does, too. It probably doesn't feel like a blessing now, but I'm betting that it will for you later.
Posted by Partlycloudy on November 30, 2008, at 16:57:05
In reply to Re: I am hating what therapy is bring out in me » Partlycloudy, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 30, 2008, at 16:00:15
> Do you know about the physical effects of child abuse has or had on your body? Not the scars but the stuff you don't see like increased hormones and stuff.
No, I don't know about these things, just incidental stuff that my T will bring up from time to time.
> I know I learned that a lot of times girls will mature early due to the increased hormones and other stuff I can't remember off hand right now. I know I was nine when I had my menses. I am wondering if the physical stuff with our brains and how it changed the frontal lobes (most abused children have smaller frontal lobes) . Is there any way to change that? I know that the brain is very resilient and you can develop new synapses even at an old age. So I was thinking that maybe you can rewire your brain physically not just emotionally. Maybe it is too soon to know.
>I was kind of young too. All I know is that my mom, who was even a trained nurse, just didn't want to know about it. Just - did I see the movie at school (yes) and did I have any questions (er, not for her!) What questions I did have I managed to get answered around the schoolyard like any self respecting 5th grader would have - with misinformation :-)
At least I can smile about it now.
> I know now that I have been suffering from PTSD even as a child. My T has shown me examples of myself. I thought it was just something 3 years ago, but that is what triggered the worst of it.
> There is a reason we have PTSD, a lot of it has to do with the past and how our body reacts.Yes, me too.
>I know EMDR can help the symptoms of PTSD, and I know it caused chemical changes in the body. There is a huge EMDR study that will be coming out soon that shows actual empirical evidence of the change in the brain and the body.
>
> I think I am confusing myself at the moment. haha! I am just wondering can we overcome the damage done to our bodies, the stuff we don't see, the stuff that causes to react to situations differently than others. Then if we do control the symptoms of PTSD, can we reverse the child abuse effects on our bodies.
> Because I know I am safe intellectually, and feel that way most of the time, but then my mom or someone will trigger it , and I feel it in my body, not just emotionally. With the holidays coming up I am trying to prepare myself for intrusive contact from my mom or her mom, or someone from that side of the family, but it zaps me every time even when I think I am doing better or when I feel I am prepared.
> I do choose to be a survivor instead of a victim, but don't you have to come to terms with what happened to you in order to heal it? I have hidden from it for years, and it did get me far, but it does seem to catch up to you eventually. So I guess I am in the part of trying to acknowledge that it did happen.For me, the coming to terms is starting to come to ME in lots of different forms - I'm not having any kind of an acceptance, forgiveness type of transformative experience about my parents; I seem to instead be coming around to perhaps understanding a little bit more of the impossible reality of their experience, and how I was the best possible product of it. And from that understanding comes the seed of forgiveness in me, if only the seed of it. But I'm not pushing it! I've lived with this reality for a really long time, so it doesn't have to change overnight or anything - and nobody has to know whether or not my perceptions are changing. It's a totally internal work.
>I think maybe you have come farther than me or maybe it is we all deal with different aspects of this at different times. lol
I really couldn't say - like I've said, you are much more in touch with your feelings that I am right now. I have a real disconnect that I've developed over the years, through self protection, that is reluctant to fall down all of a sudden.
> I am just wondering if you have to actually change the damage that was done to use physical if even possible in order to heal some of our emotional wounds. Are there some wounds that just can't be healed like developmental growth that happens when we grow as infants and children. Can that be reversed? I sure hope so because I am tired of just dealing with symptoms, and not truly healing.
I personally think (not because of anything I have learned or read anywhere) that our brains are capable of rerouting pathways to healthy circuitry. I also think that we have to give our brains all the help we can - with better habits, better diet, medication where it can help us, and all the alternative methods that are proven to work (for me, that would be yoga, chiropractic, and, when I can afford it, acupuncture).
That's PartlyCloudy's skewed view of this wobbly world we live in.
Posted by seldomseen on November 30, 2008, at 17:09:55
In reply to Re: I am hating what therapy is bring out in me » seldomseen, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 30, 2008, at 16:16:38
Yeah, unfortunately I get it.
Let me assure you that this pain will not overwhelm you and it's definately NOT insurmountable. It's a steep climb, but absolutely doable. It hurts like a m*th*rf*ck*r, but does pass. (I really hope that I have the auto asterisking on. I have no idea how to check).
It IS a lot like your guinea pigs. This tender part of you must be handled with a very very soft touch. It sounds as though your therapist is up for it. Very likely she knows the gift you have given her and isn't afraid to walk with you. Because chosing our walking partners is a tremendous gift.
My T was like that with me. Still is, if I'm honest with myself, he'll go anywhere.
Will you ever recover? I use that word a lot - recovery - as if I'm regaining something that was lost. I don't know if that's right. I wonder if we can get back something we never had to begin with.
I also don't know if abuse is something from which we ever "move on", but we can certainly "move with it".
We can even come to the point (where I am now) where we wonder if the abuse is the prevailing influence in our behaviour/lives/choices.
But, I get ahead of myself.
Take good care.
Seldom.
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 30, 2008, at 17:19:36
In reply to Re: I am hating what therapy is bring out in me » SlugSlimersSoSlided, posted by Partlycloudy on November 30, 2008, at 16:57:05
> I was kind of young too. All I know is that my mom, who was even a trained nurse, just didn't want to know about it. Just - did I see the movie at school (yes) and did I have any questions (er, not for her!)Unfortunately for me I didn't have that movie think until 6th grade and my started I think in the 4th. I learned from my cousin about it, lots of misinfo there, my mom never said anything until I started to used her products. Then she made me buy them for myself.
> I really couldn't say - like I've said, you are much more in touch with your feelings that I am right now. I have a real disconnect that I've developed over the years, through self protection, that is reluctant to fall down all of a sudden.It strikes me as weird hearing this because I have hidden my emotions for years and got very good at it. It was when PTSD hit me hard, I couldn't any longer and then of course therapy. Especially my T now, she encourages the feelings to flow and resolve. So maybe I have changed since therapy. But I sure know the wall and wish I could use it as easily as before without even thinking about it.
Well somehow we are on the right road I guess. It least I hope all this suffering isn't for nothing. ((((CS)))))
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 30, 2008, at 17:24:12
In reply to how much can the brain change?, posted by twinleaf on November 30, 2008, at 16:44:32
What you wright makes a lot of sense, and I hope it is true. So you are feeling some relief from therapy about your childhood? I know when I leave my T's office I do feel like a load was lifted off my shoulders. BUt I am still carrying a big load I guess.
IT is encouraging to hear that even though still in the process, you are healing. I hope I can make the past less important.
Posted by Phillipa on November 30, 2008, at 18:02:07
In reply to Re: I am hating what therapy is bring out in me » Partlycloudy, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 30, 2008, at 16:00:15
Seriously what if no one is left they all died? No one to ask questions to. No support here nor from kids. I'm doomed. Phillipa maybe that is why I'm so tired
Posted by twinleaf on November 30, 2008, at 18:52:14
In reply to Re: how much can the brain change? » twinleaf, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 30, 2008, at 17:24:12
Yes, I do feel a real change now, but I have been going to this analyst for 18 months, and I think you re just starting with your new therapist, aren't you? It sounds like all the important things are in place - you really like her, you are able to express the most distressing and painful things to her in your sessions, and you feel heard and understood enough to feel better when you leave.
If you're like me, you will probably go on doing these things hundreds of times over- until they start fading into the background. I do have a therapist now whom I really trust and like, and, as my experience of my parents becomes less important, my experience of him becomes more important, as does my experience of other newer, healthier relationships.
Posted by rskontos on November 30, 2008, at 21:29:48
In reply to Re: I am hating what therapy is bring out in me » SlugSlimersSoSlided, posted by seldomseen on November 30, 2008, at 14:47:28
As Seldom Said "In my opinion, sad as it may be, there is no one that can truly take away the loneliness of our journey. Only those that can promise to be with us as we go."
This is what I meant when I said to my therapist that therapy sure is a lonely business. It is because the path to recovery is a lonely one. It is sad that so much was taken, and it is up to us to recover it. But we must. And to some extent that recovery is all up to us, with our t's help but still up to us.
I understand all too well how you feel. I have ranted and raved the exact same thing that you are saying to myself and to my t. And now I say to myself that what was was and what is is now up to me. It is hard. Sometimes it is so much easier to stay down, and say why. It is hard to pick up one more time, dust off the crap, and take care of business. But in the end, I think the rewards will be all the sweeter because we (you) all of us will have done it our way, by ourselves and on our terms. We will have released the things that hold us back, embraced new things and people (hopefully) and learned to live by our rules. Often these are new rules. For me, I am just learning what rules I want and need. But that is ok.
I am learning by myself and with my t to stand on my feet. I am shaky, much like that new toddler learning to stand and walk on shaky young legs. I am reaching and grabbing for things I want for a change. I don't often know if I want it until I grab it and sometimes I change my mind after I grab but that too is ok.
I agree that so many have walked this walk before us, and they are down at the finish line so to speak. We will get there.
It is tough but SSSS you will make it.
And while that little one that was hurt is part of you, she can be the one to push you forward to a better tomorrow.rsk
Posted by rskontos on November 30, 2008, at 21:34:07
In reply to changing and recovering..., posted by twinleaf on November 30, 2008, at 18:52:14
I just don't want to call you Slug..... so for now it will be SoSlided,
I think that having a female therapist is very important, abet scary, to help you with all you have been through. Learning to trust her will help you re-connect in ways you can't imagine.
take care and go easy on yourself.
rsk
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