Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 30, 2008, at 13:50:04
In reply to Re: I am hating what therapy is bring out in me » SlugSlimersSoSlided, posted by Partlycloudy on November 30, 2008, at 12:04:37
I get what you are saying Partly Cloudy, teachers have probably saved me from true insanity or a life of crime. I think living in a small conservative town helped a lot too. Teachers, my grandma, friends parents, and Mrs. Ramer my babysitter, did give me love while growing up. Also wholesome TV shows also showed me a different way of living, so unlike how my parents were. The shows taught me values that I soaked up like a sponge.
What I feel now is something more deeper, almost primal in nature, of what I didn't have and how it made me feel alone growing up. I didn't have a safe place to fall, even with others who helped, it didn't take care of all my needs or fears. I felt rejected a lot in my school years. Growing up in a very conservative town, I was out-casted and shunned because I didn't go to church. I had classmates who couldn't be my friend or guys who couldn't date me because of this. I don't blame the kids now, it is how they were taught, but it still hurt very deeply.
Then the friends I did have, their parents became wary of their kids coming over to my house because of the way my parents and brother were. Not too many parents would want their kids to be in a house were my brother would chase them with knives or my dad would threaten to spank them if they didn't behave.
So by high school I felt so alone even though I had circle of friends and a group of girls who I became their mentor. My liberal beliefs didn't fit in well with extreme conservatives. The fact I wanted to even go to college was frowned on, the fact I wanted to be a band director, was even worse. Women are suppose to marry and become wives and mothers, not have a "man occupations".But what I am trying to describe is something else.
What hurts the most, is being alone in the horrible abuse that was going on at home, with feeling I could tell now one. That is the primal feelings of being alone that I am feeling. When someone one is abusing you especially as a child, you lose a part of you deep down. That part is what I am feeling now. It is hard to explain what I am talking about. It feels very primitive like sadness and loss. I think it took away my feeling safe and secure that every child needs. It took away my innocence of being a child. I wasn't ever a child, I was a child prisoner of war. I was more concerned with surviving, than playing house with the other girls. I didn't get the good parenting, the one that makes one a thriving individual as an adult.Bad things can happen to everyone, but most have had a childhood who gave them something to feel valued, supported, and real, and they recover more easily or even faster (not always though). But some of us who never had that, don't even know how to turn to help when something happens because we never learned we can lean on anyone.
I feel like I am not making much sense, but there is something beyond accepting the abuse as a child, there is something I never received either, something that makes a person feel whole.
It scares me. So if I didn't receive love and acceptance as a child, what filled that void? What am I now and can it be changed. Can you truly expel the ugly stuff you learned as a child, and fill it with things one should have received growing up. Or is that damage just something you have to live with. Feeling alone in this world is just one of the horrible things I learned from childhood, there was no safety.
poster:SlugSlimersSoSlided
thread:865878
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081120/msgs/865925.html