Posted by Partlycloudy on November 30, 2008, at 14:16:55
In reply to Re: I am hating what therapy is bring out in me » Partlycloudy, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 30, 2008, at 13:50:04
> But what I am trying to describe is something else.
> What hurts the most, is being alone in the horrible abuse that was going on at home, with feeling I could tell now one. That is the primal feelings of being alone that I am feeling. When someone one is abusing you especially as a child, you lose a part of you deep down. That part is what I am feeling now. It is hard to explain what I am talking about. It feels very primitive like sadness and loss. I think it took away my feeling safe and secure that every child needs. It took away my innocence of being a child. I wasn't ever a child, I was a child prisoner of war. I was more concerned with surviving, than playing house with the other girls. I didn't get the good parenting, the one that makes one a thriving individual as an adult.
>
> Bad things can happen to everyone, but most have had a childhood who gave them something to feel valued, supported, and real, and they recover more easily or even faster (not always though). But some of us who never had that, don't even know how to turn to help when something happens because we never learned we can lean on anyone.
>
> I feel like I am not making much sense, but there is something beyond accepting the abuse as a child, there is something I never received either, something that makes a person feel whole.
>
> It scares me. So if I didn't receive love and acceptance as a child, what filled that void? What am I now and can it be changed. Can you truly expel the ugly stuff you learned as a child, and fill it with things one should have received growing up. Or is that damage just something you have to live with. Feeling alone in this world is just one of the horrible things I learned from childhood, there was no safety.
>
OK, I am hearing you. I think that even now, even as grown up people we are able to find ways to eventually compensate developmentally in a lot of ways with what was withheld from us as small children. I understand now that my mother emotionally abandoned me as an infant, even though she hung around for many years. I know that I have many scars on my body that are as a result of sheer neglect - sores that became infected and then scarred, instead of being tended to. To me they are emblematic of the emotional and mental scars that I bear still and perhaps to a deeper degree because of being left alone and to my own devices when I could have been, might have been, SHOULD have been hugged, nestled, whispered to, and just loved for my very own sake. These things just didn't ever happen, so I have to find a way - on my own - to make it happen now. It's a lonely journey in many ways. In other ways, there's a lot of company - it all depends on how you look upon it. You can see yourself as a victim, or you can see yourself as your own creator.I teeter on the line, most of the time. My therapist is a huge cheerleader for my side. I'm choosing to have people around me who are on my side. I also listen, most willingly, to other views. They can prickle my vanity, hurt to listen, but I always learn.
I think that's what brings me back to babble, most times. *grin*
poster:Partlycloudy
thread:865878
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081120/msgs/865931.html