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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by seldomseen on April 18, 2008, at 6:07:07
Happy as a hindu cow the next.
That pretty much sums up my emotions this week.
Well, maybe happy as a hindu cow is somewhat of an exaggeration, let's just say - less desperate.
Wednesday's little "talk" with my therapist (see above thread) has blossomed into an unmitigated disaster in my head. Now, in addition to having to process, grieve and integrate my new found "freedom" with sexual abuse, I'm having to deal with the elusive unavailable therapist issues. Which, by the way, he certainly compounded in our last session by saying "I'm here if you need me, I'm not going anywhere, I'm here for you" blah blah blah blah blah. (clearly I am having a mad as a hornet moment, but underlying this is a lot of hurt and feeling abandoned)
Ever the goal oriented glutton for punishment that I am, I've decided to ask for more sessions with my T. I have some serious doubts that his current patient load will allow for that. I mean if he can't fit me it for an EMERGENCY session, then how can he fit me in for an additional REGULAR session a week. Since we were progressing to termination prior to my psyche just exploding, I'm sure his patient load expanded to fill my ever decreasing time slots with him. An entirely reasonable thing to do on his part in my opinion, and yet, here we are, me in crisis and him not available.
Nonetheless, I am going to try. I've decided that money talks and I'm going to show up with a rather large check in hand to cover the fees for twice weekly sessions for a month. He may be insulted, don't know, don't care. A bird in the hand is better than three in the bush so to speak.
If that fails, then he and I are going to have to re-visit his policy of exclusivity in therapy. His thinking is that multiple modes of therapy just end up muddying the waters. However, if I can not get what I need from him, then we need to talk seriously about getting me additional help.
This is my recovery and I need help. As I've indicated before, I can not carry this additional burden of sexual abuse on my back, I need help, I know I need help and I'm going to get it.
Oh, who am I kidding. I'll go through this alone and if I'm lucky I'll get to see him once a week, but most likely we'll have to stay at once every two weeks. I'm just not sure that 8 years of history with this man can fix a scheduling problem. I feel like I've got to try though.
Oh yeah - and talk about phoning it in. Could he be more hallmark card-like in his sessions and his talking? Platitude, after platitude after platitude.
A grumpy - yet altogether weepy
Seldom
Posted by sassyfrancesca on April 18, 2008, at 10:33:22
In reply to Mad as a hornet one minute, posted by seldomseen on April 18, 2008, at 6:07:07
Oh, sweetie: i hear your angst and frustration, although i am not sure of all that happened......did you want to terminate or did he?
Are you saying he isn't helping? Does he know that? What is willing to do to help you?
T's will certainly do "crazy-making" behavior....my little "hornet"
you may have to zap him with your stinger....LOL!
love, Sassy
Posted by rskontos on April 18, 2008, at 12:33:58
In reply to Mad as a hornet one minute, posted by seldomseen on April 18, 2008, at 6:07:07
Seldom,
I would be grumpy too. You have every right to feel the way you do. A patient's needs can not always be at the right time, think scheduling or termination. So either he clears some space, which is what my therapist did, or he allows you to find someone that can find the time. Now I think that would be hard to bring someone up to speed but you have to think about what is best for you.
I, and I am no expert, as my own troubles will testify, believe you must have some help with this situation. You mentioned doing this alone. I dont think alone will be the easiest route. God knows I love to try and do things my own way and alone oftens appears best but in the long run I know I cant do that.
And while I think you probably mean you will come out of this, y ou want to come out intact and healing from it. That I think means you need an available therapist. I wonder sometimes if they really think when they think. I imagine he meant I am there for you.
And the unmitigated disaster in your head, I understand that completely. I accepted the term in my head, not as vocally as you did, and then I have ignored it for all intensive purposes. You are so much more ahead of the game for trying to tackle this head on. Now I hope your T plans to put some actions where his mouth is.
I hope the money talking thing works. I will be interested to see if that does the trick. When do you meet with him next?
And boy do I understand getting mad versus the real feelings of hurt, etc. Mad is so much better to deal with than the hurt. But try and let some of it out too. Here is the a singer preaching to the choir.
I guess we can all try to let our hurts out gradually. But you do need to share with him how he is hurting you too during this very raw time.
Here is too some peace all the way around, and here is too old wounds healing. ((((Seldom))))
rsk
Posted by Phillipa on April 18, 2008, at 12:51:32
In reply to Re: Mad as a hornet one minute » seldomseen, posted by rskontos on April 18, 2008, at 12:33:58
Sometimes for me it takes time to settle down from docs appointments and theraphy and just enjoy or try to and process the mind subconscious at least mine is very slow at times. Good luck with your choice. Love Phillipa
Posted by seldomseen on April 18, 2008, at 16:53:00
In reply to Re: Mad as a hornet one minute, posted by sassyfrancesca on April 18, 2008, at 10:33:22
Well, here's the story in a nutshell. Over the past year or so, i have been doing very very well. My therapy had really helped me to recognize how my past was affecting my behaviour, all the transference issues had resolved, I had developed a community of friends and some pretty stable relationships. Both my T and I had decided that termination of therapy should be put on the table, and we were slowly decreasing the frequency of our sessions together. While no termination date had been set, it was something that we were moving toward. Frankly, I was feeling very well.
Then, about six months ago (it was Halloween in fact) I was seriously injured (think head injury) in a fall from a horse. The trauma from that injury triggered a lot of anxiety and general upset (being strapped to gurney, not be able to talk or move, sitting in the ER alone not knowing if I was going to live or die - you know some really really good stuff).
Still we were meeting less and less and things were fine.Nonetheless, I was still progressing along pretty well I thought. Therapy was still less and less of an issue. Then an incredible work stressor came up, which due to the cognitive impairments from the fall, I was very ill equipped to handle, but managed to do anyway.
Everything was fine.Then about three weeks ago I started dreaming. Really horrible vivid dreams of some really really horrible stuff. Then I started having all sorts of problems related to the dreams, intrusive thoughts into daily life, images, triggers the like.
So last week, I finally stepped up to the plate and finally took ownership of the fact that I had been sexually abused. I had hidden from it, buried it blah blah blah, but it was coming up for all to see. I think in part because of the trauma from the accident, but also because therapy had helped to removed most of the defenses that had kept it down. I do not have a full recollection of what occurred and it wasn't like "OH MY GOD I REMEMBER IT ALL" nothing like that. Just a very deep, very old knowledge that it was there. So time to process those very very painful feelings.
I need my therapist. He told me he would be there, but didn't schedule an appointment until one week later. A long time to sit with those feelings. One day I called, he could talk but for 30 seconds. The feelings began to escalate. I called for an emergency appointment, he couldn't see me, we tried to talk on the phone and the unmitigated disaster occurred. I've been reeling every since.
So no, he isn't helping. I'm going to directly ask for his help this monday.
And that's the story.
Seldom.
Posted by seldomseen on April 18, 2008, at 16:56:57
In reply to Re: Mad as a hornet one minute » seldomseen, posted by rskontos on April 18, 2008, at 12:33:58
sigh,
I'm sorry this are crappy for both of us right now.
I will definately keep you posted on the money thing.
Therapy is, after all, a business transaction. While it may appear unseemly to go there. Well... I'm there. Keep you posted.
Seldom.
Posted by Dinah on April 18, 2008, at 17:06:05
In reply to Re: Mad as a hornet one minute - the whole story » sassyfrancesca, posted by seldomseen on April 18, 2008, at 16:53:00
Didn't he offer to see you before or after his normal workday? That would imply that he's at least trying to be helpful, even if he's not succeeding.
Have you been very open about the fact that you would like any appointments that come open? And on a regular basis?
Every two week therapy is fine when things are going better. But I'm sure he realizes that different circumstances require flexibility?
Posted by sunnydays on April 18, 2008, at 17:09:47
In reply to Re: Mad as a hornet one minute - the whole story, posted by Dinah on April 18, 2008, at 17:06:05
I would like to point out that expecting a T to clear his schedule if someone has a crisis and find them a spot might be a little unrealistic. I know many people on here would be crushed if they were on the receiving end of the, "Sorry, but another patient needs to see me more than you do," phone call.
At the same time, I'm sorry it's so rough for you seldom. I think you need to talk about this straightforwardly with him and make your needs explicit. He may very well not be aware just how much you are struggling. Make it explicit, and see if he is able to meet your needs then.
And you should by NO means have to cope with this on your own - that's not the point of therapy.
sunnydays
Posted by rskontos on April 18, 2008, at 17:16:56
In reply to Re: Mad as a hornet one minute - the whole story, posted by Dinah on April 18, 2008, at 17:06:05
Seldom, I read your whole story to Sassy and I get how you felt the SA thing. That is how mine has surfaced so far. I physically have re-lived it. Flashbacks with the physically remembrances but not the visual. Boy, I thought I was ready for them and I WAS WRONG. I had told my therapist I wanted the memories that I had dissociated from to come back and wow those physical remembrances were enough to make me so upset that I blocked the visuals. And set myself back, way back. Through this process my sister confirmed for me, I had not talked to her in about 14 years about one of the abusers that i had not suspected. So now I know two family members. And while I know I haven't totally felt it all. No, one of my inners has all that pain. I can go to a place deep inside and feel it but it is too raw right now. But when you described to Sassy, I understood instantly because it is like a deep part of you knows. That is what I told my sister and she said yes you do. You know. She said in a quiet voice that reflected back to me what I was feeling. I wish I could take it away for both of us. And my hope for us is this makes us stronger.
I am so sorry that your T has been this way. Mine has been very supportive although he has some quirks that do upset me from time to time. Sigh, it is a shame they are not perfect.
Do let me know how it goes. But I wanted to share with you how much I am relating to your story right now. Here is too some comfort to you.
rsk
Posted by seldomseen on April 18, 2008, at 17:48:15
In reply to Re: Mad as a hornet one minute - the whole story, posted by Dinah on April 18, 2008, at 17:06:05
well, that is what I am hoping against hope for - that he can be flexible. That he understands and most importantly, can respond, to my needs at this time.
I am angry, and not for entirely rational things either, I admit. I also admit that this whole event may have gotten completely twisted and blown way out of proportion in my head and that I'm overreacting.
As I indicated before, if he did offer those off- business hours sessions, there was no way I could have accepted them. (In my angry mindset right now I think he knew I would turn them down thus they were pretty safe on his part to offer - probably a totally irrational thought, but welcome to my world).
But the fact is, I feel how I feel and that is hurt, pushed aside and just overwhelmingly sad. Rational or not, there it is.
I really like my therapist. He is a good guy. He's helped me a lot - no doubt about it. I'm a different person today than I was years ago when I started. Frankly, I love him. Not in a way "like OMG I love you", but a very peaceful kind of love. It's still there, despite all the anger I feel right now.
In fact, two months ago him not being able to see me wouldn't have bothered me much at all.
This is a very complicated issue, that's why I hope we can work something out. Despite all the warnings my stupid, defective brain is sending out I'm going in Monday and we are going to try develop a plan. I feel safer having a contingency plan (seeking help elsewhere) in case we can't.
Posted by seldomseen on April 18, 2008, at 18:09:14
In reply to Re: Mad as a hornet one minute - the whole story, posted by sunnydays on April 18, 2008, at 17:09:47
I see your point sunnydays, but would also like to point out that I don't feel it is my responsibility to worry for my therapist's other patients. Even if I did want someone bumped for me, it's not my call to make. It's HIS.
I don't know how my T handles these things, if he keeps appointments open for emergencies or if he bumps people - it's just not my place to know.
All I know is that I needed him and he didn't have a space for me. He and I need to work on that.
And that's what we are going to do.
Posted by Dinah on April 18, 2008, at 18:52:06
In reply to Re: Mad as a hornet one minute - the whole story » Dinah, posted by seldomseen on April 18, 2008, at 17:48:15
I could be hearing things or misunderstanding entirely, but I'll share something that's been helpful to me.
Many years ago when my husband and I were in the required weekend marriage preparation course, one of the couples leading the course told this story.
They were in the supermarket buying their groceries when they walked past a furious argument in the frozen foods section. A man and woman were arguing loudly over which package of frozen asparagus to buy. The leader couple watched the screaming couple for a moment, then the husband turned to his wife and said "There's more here than asparagus."
The leader and his wife (and my husband and I) have used that expression ever since, and we've found it surprisingly helpful.
It sounds as if there's more here than asparagus.
You mentioned money a few times. Is it possible that the professional limitations are upsetting you particularly right now? Or could you maybe be mad at him for not protecting you? Or any number of other reasons?
If I'm way off, I apologize. It's just an impression and impressions are hard to come by in the written word.
Posted by raisinb on April 19, 2008, at 11:46:50
In reply to Re: Mad as a hornet one minute - the whole story » seldomseen, posted by Dinah on April 18, 2008, at 18:52:06
I agree with Dinah. All of the feelings surrounding what's coming up for you, having to be dependent on him, switching from termination-mindset back into needing him so much...they can't be easy. You need to know he's still there for you.
I think you're absolutely right to say, I need help, and I will get it.
I think therapists have to go through a complicated balancing act when scheduling doesn't work out. But even if they can't give you as many sessions as you want, they can do other things to let you know they're there for you. A couple of weeks ago, she was trying to fit me in before she left for a conference, but couldn't, and called to tell me she was thinking about me and was sorry. At the time, that worked. I felt cared about, not rejected and left alone.
I think you and your therapist can work this out, maybe not in the way that's perfect for both of you, but in a way that meets your needs while not overextending him.
I can't imagine having to go through CSA processing with a biweekly session. I am sure your therapist will know that and will make sure he's there for you, even though he fell down on the job this week.
Posted by seldomseen on April 20, 2008, at 8:28:57
In reply to Re: Mad as a hornet one minute - the whole story » Dinah, posted by raisinb on April 19, 2008, at 11:46:50
Reflecting back on my thoughts on this, I recognize a distinct change in my thinking. Prior to therapy, I would have just assumed that this was something that I had to go through myself.
Now I not only recognize the need for help, but am actively seeking it out and will continue to do so.
The reaction I had to my therapist's inability to respond (for whatever reason) is a very complicated one, involving several layers of problems that we need to solve I think.
I am convinced that my therapist and I have a strong shared common interest as we progress - my emotional health and safety. Each of us, however, brings a different set of complications to achieving that common interest. We have a lot of work to do.
The optimist in me believes that I will show up to therapy tomorrow and he will simply say "I think you need to come in twice a week for a while, so let's schedule that."
The pragmatist in me thinks that he is simply unable to offer or implement that because of his current patient load.
The pessimist in me thinks that he really isn't that concerned at all, doesn't care and just wants me to continue termination.
There is a deeper issue though - and that is I truly think that he has not been "there" even when we are in session. He appears to be offering only platitudes, no real insight or even a plan to help me deal with the emergent issue of sexual abuse.
I am aware that he recently had a death in his family. I suspect that this is affecting his professional abilities. I understand and mourn with him. However, as a patient, I am forced to ask "where does that leave me?".
I feel terrible that all this crap occurred with me at a time when he is dealing with his own stuff, but again "where does this leave me?".
Thank you, raisnb, for recognizing and validating my desire to get help and my efforts to get it.
I will keep everyone posted about my session tomorrow. I don't know whether it will advance my efforts, do nothing, or derail them entirely.
Seldom.
This is the end of the thread.
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