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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LadyBug on April 16, 2008, at 23:25:03
I haven't seen my T for a month because she's been gone. Before she left we were having some huge issues. I let go of the pain I was feeling about the birth of my daughter's baby and the adoption. I was over the top with it. I did some dumb things, sent my T an e-mail expressing my anger at her because she couldn't give me what I wanted as far as support goes. I didn't have permission to send her an e-mail so that made her mad and the fact that I was angry towards her made her frustrated with me too. I know I made some huge mistakes.
I didn't contain my pain at all the week the baby was born. I had gone to help get my elderly parents settled into a different assisted living care place. The next day I went with my daughter to see her adoption case worker and she read her the legal papers that would be read to her in the hospital at the time of the adoption. That was so hard for me to hear and realize she was giving up her rights to her baby, my first grandchild. The following day I had to go to a bankruptcy hearing with my husband whom I'm separated from. He caused the bankruptcy, but I have to suffer too.
A few days later my daughter went into labor, had the baby and 48 hours later placed the baby in the adoptive parents arms and we went home empty handed. Can you ask for anymore stress in one week? I don't think so.Two days after the adoption, I went to see my T for the last time before she left on her vacation. I shared with her all the details of the birth and placement. Pretty much pouring my heart and soul out to her. Then I left, saying nothing. She only said "thank you for sharing that with me" that hurt because I felt her coldness.
I had an appointment with her last night and I told her I didn't want to talk about what was going on in my life, I was there to talk about what happened between us. I told her I was sorry if I hurt her. I said I didn't want to disappoint her in anyway.
About 30 min. into our session she says "I think I was too sympathetic towards you ever since you found out *----* was pregnant." I told her I didn't feel that way at all. She said she should have made me stand up more on my own. That was a major jab in my heart. I told her no one has a clue how it feels to go through what I've been through unless they've been through it their self. I said if you could listen to the birth mom's and grandparents at the support meetings I go to you would see for yourself how much pain we go through.
Then about 10 min. before the hour was over she said I don't think we should do voice mail anymore and because it muddles our work. We need to contain our work to "within the hour" and nothing in between. I've been seeing her over 11 years and this is the first time she has said that to me so I was shocked into putting a wall up. I told her that, I said I don't agree with that and I don't think it's right and it hurts. I told her I had a wall up now and I'm afraid to say anything more. I've always been allowed to call her during the week when things got hard for me. We had a rule with each other to respond within 24 hours and we did well with it. I couldn't imagine not being able to call if I was hurting, though I have been good about not calling her for weeks now. I didn't even miss her while she was gone. I did fine on my own. I didn't want to see her last night at all and then things turned into the nightmare of therapy for me. I had a strange dream last night, I won't go into that only to say that some of the "people" in my dream were real and alive and other "people" weren't real at all. I think that is how I feel about my T right now, she's just doing her job and using her training to work with me, she's not using the realness of herself as a person.I told her I didn't think I could ever come back. I said not to hold my hour for me next week because I was pretty sure I wouldn't be coming. I said my voice is paralyzed and I got up to leave. She said I hope you can think it over during the week. I said nothing, opened the door and left without looking back.
We've worked through some mighty painful issues that have come between us but I don't see how I can work through this knowing that she feels I didn't handle the adoption like I should have, I should have been stronger and kept my pain inside but instead, in her words, "let my pain spill out all over the place".
She hurt me, no one else has hurt me during this time as far as my friends or family or even my co-workers. They've all been there for me. So why does she feel this way? I can't see myself ever going to see her again. I know this will effect me for the rest of my life. You don't work with a T as long and as hard as I have and then just walk out the door one day and never return.
I was contemplating suicide last night over all the stress in my life. No money, single mom trying to survive, losing my grandchild to adoption 5 weeks ago, losing my marriage of 23 years 6 months ago, a bankruptcy I didn't cause, worries of my aging parents. I applied for a better job and didn't get it, I was disappointed in myself for blowing the interview. I need the pay raise desperately. My daughter was mad at me and wouldn't speak to me. I allow my kids to hurt me to the core of my soul and think they'd be better off without me.
I have no where to turn right now. I would never talk about this to anyone in my real life. I think some of you may understand.I'd rather have no replies than for anyone to tell me I'm wrong. I already feel bad enough and really can't handle any more criticism. In fact, I don't expect replies, I just needed to get this out of my heart and into words and I know I can do that here.
***Injured*** LadyBug
Posted by LadyBug on April 16, 2008, at 23:29:41
In reply to Confused and Hurt (possible trigger)~LONG~, posted by LadyBug on April 16, 2008, at 23:25:03
Should I terminate and never go back, just go on? I'm too hurt to even talk to her again. This is the last straw for me. She said she's still committed to our work, great, it's not her heart we are working with, it's mine. I don't need more hurts. I've been through enough hurt already this year. I don't think she meant to hurt me, but she did anyway.
Injured LadyBug
Posted by sunnydays on April 17, 2008, at 0:01:24
In reply to Re: Confused and Hurt (possible trigger)~LONG~, posted by LadyBug on April 16, 2008, at 23:29:41
((((LadyBug))))
I'm so sorry that happened. I had sort of a similar thing with my T setting up stricter boundaries for me in regards to emailing lately. His point was that letting out all of the feelings in between sessions makes it harder for the sessions to be intense. But it sounds like that's not the case for you.
I would hope that you worked so long with her that you could see the value in working through a conflict like this with someone. But I totally understand your feelings, because I would be devastated if my T said that. It sounds like your T may have recently rethought her boundaries - perhaps it's with all her clients and not personal, not about you. It might just be that it's intruding into her personal life too much... but that's not about *you* that's about her needs.
But I agree it shouldn't be so abrupt like that... more gradual might have been a better approach, like setting a limit on the number of voicemails, or her not responding to them, just letting you get them out. But I know it hurts like hell to come up against that therapeutic wall of boundaries they have.
I'm so sorry this happened. Hang in there. I hope you can work through it with her. But I know it hurts right now. So try not to worry about that, try to just be gentle with yourself, rest, and get some distance before you decide what to do.
((((LadyBug)))) I'm so sorry.
sunnydays
Posted by Dinah on April 17, 2008, at 7:17:44
In reply to Confused and Hurt (possible trigger)~LONG~, posted by LadyBug on April 16, 2008, at 23:25:03
Wow. I'd feel exactly what you're feeling.
I wonder what's going on with her personally? Did she ever give a child up for adoption? Was she adopted? Or did she adopt any of her children? I can't help but think that this is very odd, and probably has more to do with her than with you.
Or maybe she's got something going on with her feelings about her profession. Taking a month long vacations is unusual for a therapist. At least in this part of the world and these days of short term therapy.
It just seems so odd for her to say these things after so long. My therapist expects me to get more needy when something major is going on in my life. And he sometimes is not in great shape himself, and isn't at his best. But he always tries to own it when his stuff is affecting therapy.
Would I want to terminate? Yes, absolutely. I might even do it. But I'd probably crawl back anyway so I might skip the termination anyway.
Is it possible to point out that these are pretty big changes unilaterally made by her, and ask if she could explain the context? If maybe she got consultation and decided to switch course? Or if the situation is triggering for her? If you've misunderstood your relationship? If you've crossed more boundaries than you're aware of (the email)? If something is going on in her personal life?
Doing it with ten minutes left in the session is inexcusable. It's been eleven years. Surely if she didn't allot time to it at the beginning of your session, it could wait until your next session. Eleven years plus one week?
I'd be unbelievably hurt myself. I'd also want to know what space alien took my therapist and replaced him with a pod person. I'd probably want to hide under the bed rather than ask what's going on and risk the answer. Or risk being shut out or shot down when I was trying to take a risk to keep our relationship.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on April 17, 2008, at 8:03:52
In reply to Confused and Hurt (possible trigger)~LONG~, posted by LadyBug on April 16, 2008, at 23:25:03
Oh, sweetie: i am so sorry. Your t is simply cruel and cold. Only she knows why she is that way.
you have WAY too much on your plate, and I wish there was something I could do or say to ease your pain. I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse.......and my church of 31 years kicked me out........there is a lot of other ugly things too...but I want to focus on you.
The one thing you should be able to count on....is your therapist.....she has FAILED you miserably, and I am so sorry...my dear.
Love, Sassy
Posted by frida on April 17, 2008, at 8:30:03
In reply to Confused and Hurt (possible trigger)~LONG~, posted by LadyBug on April 16, 2008, at 23:25:03
Dear LadyBug,
Wow..i would feel as hurt and devastated as you do now..if the one person that means so much to me and shared so many years of my life hurt me this way.
I've seen my T for 8/9 years now. I'd be devastated if something like this happened. We've had some huge problems though, and we managed to solve them.
I guess in so many years, it is inevitable to have misunderstandings and problems. They are human..But from what I read in your post, i am really surprised..because your T was so caring towards you, and did so much for you in the past ..it seems to me that something else could be going on...
maybe there is something going on in her life and it is interfering..?I don't think i would be able to terminate such an important relationship in my life.....i would try to give it some time .... i would probably try writing to her, but it seems you've already explained to her how you feel about all this...
I am so sorry you have to go through this at this point in your life, when she should be closer to you than ever. =(I would feel that this is a bad nightmare.
I hope there is some way for you and her to work this through...
I can't understand why she'd tell you not to call, now after all these years of working together...it feels so painful. Maybe this triggered something in her, it does give me the impression there is something else going on.
Even if you "let your pain spill out all over the place"....wouldn't that be even more reason for her to be near you and support you ? I don't understand what is going on for her to say those things.
I honestly hope she also thinks this over...i hope you can work this through together and have her back as the T she was for you.
all the best,
Frida
Posted by Happyflower on April 17, 2008, at 9:34:12
In reply to Re: Confused and Hurt (possible trigger)~LONG~ » LadyBug, posted by Dinah on April 17, 2008, at 7:17:44
Wow, Ladybug
I am so sorry things have are so hard lately. I don't think I could handle all of that stuff at once. Plus it feels like you lost your T too in a way.
I agree with Dinah, something might be going on with her. It probably isn't about you, I think. But what I hate is that she has hurt you because of it.
Is there any way you could continue therapy with that adoption T? I remember you really like her at one time. How often does your support group meet?
I really don't know what to say, the stuff you are going through is so hard. But I know you can do it, and start your life anew. Kinda like a fresh start. You can contact me anytime, I am hear for you my friend.
Posted by LadyBug on April 17, 2008, at 10:26:29
In reply to Re: Confused and Hurt (possible trigger)~LONG~, posted by Happyflower on April 17, 2008, at 9:34:12
Thank you for the kind replies.
I printed out my post and read it a few times. It helped me see what I needed to see. But that doesn't take away the pain. I got it! I get it! I need to stand a lot taller and not depend on her at all. I can't share my pain with her, I need to do it on my own. I know that is what she's trying to get me to do. Stand on my own two feet. But isn't that one reason I pay her???? To listen to me??? I'm confused for sure. I think I'll give it a few weeks before I try to contact her. I'd love to write her my thoughts, but I'm certain that is against her boundaries right now. She told me to let her know if I wasn't going to come in but I'm afraid to even call to tell her that I'm not coming in.
My group meets tonight, I may go to it as it helps me accept the adoption and know what other grandparents go through. Once a month we meet jointly with the birth moms.
I didn't need this stress added to my life but I have to deal with it because it's mine to deal with.
Thanks for letting me spill my frustrations.
I'm regretting therapy right now. It's such a mind killer sometimes. I hope my T can see she hurt me, she needs some time to realize it too. But I hate the fact that she will be right and I will be wrong. I'm always wrong. I give in much to easily instead of telling her what I think works for me. She has all control of her boundaries and I hate it. I have to accept it though. I know that if I terminated over this I would want to go say goodbye face to face. We've worked to long and too hard not to. I can't face that right now. I need some time so I'm taking it. I'll just see if she tries to contact me. I don't think she will. She'll wait for me. I even thought about changing my phone number so if she calls she can't get a hold of me. She has my work number though, she's never called it.I appreciate you all so much right now. I've loved babble from the time I found it a few years ago. Thanks for helping me figure this out.
*Still Injured* LadyBug
Posted by Phillipa on April 17, 2008, at 11:32:42
In reply to Re: Confused and Hurt (possible trigger)~LONG~, posted by LadyBug on April 17, 2008, at 10:26:29
Late but how horrible for you and I also agree with Dinah that it may be about her but to hurt you like that is horrible. Love Phillipa
Posted by raisinb on April 17, 2008, at 12:33:04
In reply to Confused and Hurt (possible trigger)~LONG~, posted by LadyBug on April 16, 2008, at 23:25:03
Hi LB--
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sounds so, so painful.Here are my thoughts--
First, I think you're being too hard on yourself. "Huge mistakes" sounds like a lot of self-blame for sending one email, especially when you've had an 11-year relationship. I don't think you've done anything wrong.
Second, I agree with the other posters that your T is acting strange, that some personal issue seems to be getting in the way of your therapy. The clue for me is, she accused you of "letting your pain spill out all over." In therapy, this is, of course, exactly what we are supposed to do. The fact that she accused you of that as if it were a bad thing tells me that *she* is finding your sessions too painful to endure. I hear her implying, "you are infecting me with your pain!" Hence her wanting to limit contact with you.
This might be because of a personal issue, or it might be because she is overwhelmed by your suffering and feeling frustrated because she can't make it better, or a combination. In any case, your therapist, who is supposed to be objective enough to stand whatever comes up, is not doing her job.
It would be a shame to let this evaporate, though, without trying to work it out. If you can, can you hold off on making a decision? Perhaps over time the two of you can repair things.
Posted by rskontos on April 17, 2008, at 13:09:58
In reply to Re: Confused and Hurt (possible trigger)~LONG~ » LadyBug, posted by raisinb on April 17, 2008, at 12:33:04
Ladybug,
I agree with everyone else. I have only been with my T since late Dec. and I have been most disagreeable at times and he just sits there and smiles and says well in that case therapy would not be needed would it. He is so calm while I am anything but. So after 11 years I would expect some understand for an extremely difficult situation of extreme stress.
I think your T was unprofessional. To give you a limit at that time with only 10 minutes was the Cowardly Lion's way out. And to impose a limit or boundary that has worked effectively for so long without allowing you input is not only unfair but seems extreme in the face of such a long relationship.
So I agree that she might have issues of her own, but come on, those are her problems not yours. She has a job to do, and she must do it. I am afraid I would feel the same as you and I would have walked too. Maybe not the best course of action but I would have been stunned like you too.
She treated you unfairly and could very well set you back. Don't be so harsh on yourself. You may have made a mistake but she made bigger ones in my opinion.Take care sweetie. I don't know about termination, give that some thought when you feel calmer. And go easier on yourself. YOu deserve a break after all the hardships you have had to endure.
rsk
Posted by Poet on April 17, 2008, at 13:15:52
In reply to Confused and Hurt (possible trigger)~LONG~, posted by LadyBug on April 16, 2008, at 23:25:03
Hi Ladybug,
I am so sorry that your T hurt you. I don't blame you for wanting to quit. I know if I poured my heart out to my T and she responded by saying I shouldn't have "let my pain spill out all over the place" I'd have burst into tears and I never cry in therapy.
If your T is trying to do "tough love" by saying no more voicemails and being distant she needs to change her tactic. I would be confused and hurt if my T suddenly told me no calls between sessions.
You have had so many stressful things happen in a short period, I wish your T hadn't added to that stress. One hard cyber slap to her head.
and ((((((((((((((((((((Ladybug)))))))))))))))))
for you.Poet
Posted by Dinah on April 17, 2008, at 15:06:48
In reply to Re: Confused and Hurt (possible trigger)~LONG~, posted by LadyBug on April 17, 2008, at 10:26:29
You've known her so long, and she's helped you through so much. Didn't she go to your home when you had surgery? I don't think my therapist would do that. (Or maybe I'm thinking of someone else?)
I'd feel so angry now I'd want to leave the city and not leave a forwarding address. I've been that angry before at my therapist.
Maybe this can't be worked out. And I know that you don't have a history of ending relationships too quickly without working on them first. You know best how long this has been going on, and how much you've tried to explore her reaction with her.
If you think there's still hope. If you think there is still a relationship to fight for, and to try to communicate openly and nondefensively on both sides, then if it were me I'd fight to relationship as long as possible.
Whether she acted this way for reasons of her own, or whether she thinks she has good reason, people screw up. And not just client people, but therapist people too.
I guess there are times when good relationships go bad. Friendships and marriages and therapy too. When for no discernible reason something important changes, and the relationship is no longer a healthy one.
If this is one of those times, I hope you're able to remember her fondly for all the wonderful things she's been to you, instead of letting the ending color all of the relationship.
Mind you, I'm not sure I could do that. Not for years anyway. :(
Posted by I need a hug on April 17, 2008, at 17:51:12
In reply to Confused and Hurt (possible trigger)~LONG~, posted by LadyBug on April 16, 2008, at 23:25:03
LadyBug,
My heart goes out to you and your family. I haven't been posting much but you have been in my thoughts. I would be devastated if my T of 10 years said something like that to me. Do you think you could schedule a session with her, write all of your feelings down about what happened with her and hand it to her at the beginning of the session? Maybe that would be a way to start a discussion to resolve things between the two of you. You could tell her how you feel, ask her any questions you have about what's going on with her, voice mail policy, etc. It could be a starting point to try to repair your relationship. Just a suggestion. You have been through so much. I wish I could do something to help you. If there is anything, let me know. For now, I'm sending you lots of hugs.((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((LB))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))HUGS
Posted by LadyBug on April 17, 2008, at 18:08:10
In reply to Re: Confused and Hurt (possible trigger)~LONG~, posted by I need a hug on April 17, 2008, at 17:51:12
I have tears in my eyes,you all are awesome and have give me so much to think about.
Dinah, yes she came to the hospital and to my home when I have my knee's replace almost 18 months ago. I've loved her and we've done great work the past few years. I don't know what to think. I guess if I give it a few weeks maybe I'll see how I feel and I might go back.
I love the idea of changing my address or my phone number and getting lost.
I didn't need this pain added to my already huge load. Is my pain legit? Do I have an unusual amount of stuff causing me to have pain in my life or am I just over the top with it?Off to the races,,,,,,,,LadyBug
This is the end of the thread.
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