Posted by LadyBug on April 16, 2008, at 23:25:03
I haven't seen my T for a month because she's been gone. Before she left we were having some huge issues. I let go of the pain I was feeling about the birth of my daughter's baby and the adoption. I was over the top with it. I did some dumb things, sent my T an e-mail expressing my anger at her because she couldn't give me what I wanted as far as support goes. I didn't have permission to send her an e-mail so that made her mad and the fact that I was angry towards her made her frustrated with me too. I know I made some huge mistakes.
I didn't contain my pain at all the week the baby was born. I had gone to help get my elderly parents settled into a different assisted living care place. The next day I went with my daughter to see her adoption case worker and she read her the legal papers that would be read to her in the hospital at the time of the adoption. That was so hard for me to hear and realize she was giving up her rights to her baby, my first grandchild. The following day I had to go to a bankruptcy hearing with my husband whom I'm separated from. He caused the bankruptcy, but I have to suffer too.
A few days later my daughter went into labor, had the baby and 48 hours later placed the baby in the adoptive parents arms and we went home empty handed. Can you ask for anymore stress in one week? I don't think so.Two days after the adoption, I went to see my T for the last time before she left on her vacation. I shared with her all the details of the birth and placement. Pretty much pouring my heart and soul out to her. Then I left, saying nothing. She only said "thank you for sharing that with me" that hurt because I felt her coldness.
I had an appointment with her last night and I told her I didn't want to talk about what was going on in my life, I was there to talk about what happened between us. I told her I was sorry if I hurt her. I said I didn't want to disappoint her in anyway.
About 30 min. into our session she says "I think I was too sympathetic towards you ever since you found out *----* was pregnant." I told her I didn't feel that way at all. She said she should have made me stand up more on my own. That was a major jab in my heart. I told her no one has a clue how it feels to go through what I've been through unless they've been through it their self. I said if you could listen to the birth mom's and grandparents at the support meetings I go to you would see for yourself how much pain we go through.
Then about 10 min. before the hour was over she said I don't think we should do voice mail anymore and because it muddles our work. We need to contain our work to "within the hour" and nothing in between. I've been seeing her over 11 years and this is the first time she has said that to me so I was shocked into putting a wall up. I told her that, I said I don't agree with that and I don't think it's right and it hurts. I told her I had a wall up now and I'm afraid to say anything more. I've always been allowed to call her during the week when things got hard for me. We had a rule with each other to respond within 24 hours and we did well with it. I couldn't imagine not being able to call if I was hurting, though I have been good about not calling her for weeks now. I didn't even miss her while she was gone. I did fine on my own. I didn't want to see her last night at all and then things turned into the nightmare of therapy for me. I had a strange dream last night, I won't go into that only to say that some of the "people" in my dream were real and alive and other "people" weren't real at all. I think that is how I feel about my T right now, she's just doing her job and using her training to work with me, she's not using the realness of herself as a person.I told her I didn't think I could ever come back. I said not to hold my hour for me next week because I was pretty sure I wouldn't be coming. I said my voice is paralyzed and I got up to leave. She said I hope you can think it over during the week. I said nothing, opened the door and left without looking back.
We've worked through some mighty painful issues that have come between us but I don't see how I can work through this knowing that she feels I didn't handle the adoption like I should have, I should have been stronger and kept my pain inside but instead, in her words, "let my pain spill out all over the place".
She hurt me, no one else has hurt me during this time as far as my friends or family or even my co-workers. They've all been there for me. So why does she feel this way? I can't see myself ever going to see her again. I know this will effect me for the rest of my life. You don't work with a T as long and as hard as I have and then just walk out the door one day and never return.
I was contemplating suicide last night over all the stress in my life. No money, single mom trying to survive, losing my grandchild to adoption 5 weeks ago, losing my marriage of 23 years 6 months ago, a bankruptcy I didn't cause, worries of my aging parents. I applied for a better job and didn't get it, I was disappointed in myself for blowing the interview. I need the pay raise desperately. My daughter was mad at me and wouldn't speak to me. I allow my kids to hurt me to the core of my soul and think they'd be better off without me.
I have no where to turn right now. I would never talk about this to anyone in my real life. I think some of you may understand.I'd rather have no replies than for anyone to tell me I'm wrong. I already feel bad enough and really can't handle any more criticism. In fact, I don't expect replies, I just needed to get this out of my heart and into words and I know I can do that here.
***Injured*** LadyBug
poster:LadyBug
thread:823715
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080405/msgs/823715.html