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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rskontos on October 17, 2007, at 16:38:45
Well here goes......In an effort to be true to my resolution to myself I decided to post it so that I follow through with it. I have been floundering for the past year and half since my daughter went to college. I feel like lost and small. Of course, the inital dx of depression did not get the anxiety issues. Finally got a new dx but that isn't all that important maybe but I am still fighting darker and darker thoughts. I put pressure on my self to maintain a certain level of activity in my life. I have all these things I think I must do. Why? Because I have always done the right thing, what is expected. Been the steady one, the one that will always take care of things. I worked myself to the bone on our farm that we just slow because I exhausted myself. Now I think I must maintain that level of physical work and I can't get my stupid brain to slow down. And then I find out all this stuff about my mom. Bad stuff. I start remembering more bad stuff.
I was doing better the other day, having a fairly good day and my father calls, now I haven't worked out how I am feeling about him since I have new knowledge about my childhood, when he tells me about my estranged sister. We haven't known where she lives for years now. He proceeds to tell me and even brags about what she is doing like he was proud of her. The sister that didn't invite him to her wedding, that has kept her children from him and moved without telling him where she is. Now mind you she didn't call with her new address one of her children did without her knowledge. And he is proud of her!
This made me more upset and continues to upset more than I wanted it too. Why, my aunt told me that as kids my parents pitted my sister against me and I guess that is part of it. My father told me he never wanted me, and I found our my paternity was in question. So how else would I take what he told me. And he is coming to my house for Thanksgiving. Ha! I am not sure how I even feel about him right now. But this conversation realllllly bothered me. And my other sister too who thought the same thing I did.
All this is background, my resolve to my self and you guys are witnesses is I am going to just take each day as it comes. If I don't feel like doing anything I won't and I wont feel guilty. Period. I dont owe anything to anyone. Even me. Right!?! Right.
I want to try this and see if I can make it stick. I have to try something. My thoughts are darker and darker. I have thought of dying to much lately and I never in the past ever did that. It makes me feel small. My T is out of town too. I didn't get to see her this week and that doesn't help. I don't need too much time to think between sessions or I disconnect from everything.
I am fragile now but if this sounds dumb please someone point it out kindly. rk
Posted by Racer on October 17, 2007, at 16:58:04
In reply to Trying to go easy, posted by rskontos on October 17, 2007, at 16:38:45
How many of us never figure it out, and put it into practice. I'm incredibly impressed by you right now -- great job.
I hope it goes well for you. What I do for holidays with family is take something along to do. If this holiday is at your house, that's not as easy, but when we go to my mom's or other family members' for holidays, I usually take a project along -- preferably my spinning wheel, since that's the easiest mindless thing to do, and no one starts asking to see what I'm making, but even some knitting will do. Something that keeps my mind and hands just busy enough, and still allows me to be part of the gathering.
If people are coming over here, I try to work something out with my husband, some signal, that tells him to step in. He's incredible about doing that -- even though he hates conflict so much we NEVER fight about ANYTHING. He'll still stand up to my family for me.
Anyway, all this is to say, I think you're doing great, and I hope it works out well for you. Good luck to you.
Posted by Dory on October 17, 2007, at 17:40:44
In reply to Trying to go easy, posted by rskontos on October 17, 2007, at 16:38:45
nothing dumb about it.. remember what you told me right?
take some deep breaths ok? you seem like a pressure cooker and i worry about you. None of this stuff happened in a flash and it can't be dealt with that way either... pace yourself.
what i would love for you to do is to find a good massage therapist. Make a committment to one day a week when you just make it RK-day. No fretting allowed on just that one day.. even an afternoon.
you need to find ways to take gentle care of yourself...
Posted by rskontos on October 17, 2007, at 21:14:18
In reply to Only one thing about it is dumb... » rskontos, posted by Racer on October 17, 2007, at 16:58:04
Thanks guys, you know Dory the massage therapist is a good idea. I have had a recommendation now for one for a while and never have taken it and now that my good friend the chiro is moving soon I really should. No, I WILL. No more shoulds.
I feel like a pressure cooker but that is why I am trying just to take each day and stop trying to speed things up. I don't pace myself well, could you tell? I will start to do better at taking care of myself. Tonight my son and I watched a program he wanted after I watched a nice movie on my own. It relaxed me.
Racer, awe shucks. Thanks for the great job. I don't hear that enough and it truly helps. I will try to implement the suggestions for family even at my home. And the part about my H I will try to enlist his help. I haven't told him everything about my past with my father yet but he knows enough, so maybe he can run interference. My dad likes to pick at us and push buttons so I will have to come up with some signals and my sister will be here to help. Thanks again Racer and Dory, it means alot your support. rk
Posted by B2chica on October 18, 2007, at 8:06:59
In reply to Trying to go easy, posted by rskontos on October 17, 2007, at 16:38:45
(((((((((((RK))))))))))))
that sounds like a really cr@ppy call.
i am amazed at the insight you have, to take each day as it comes, to NOT feel guilty and to just hang on.
wow, you make me want to feel strong.Nooooo, not sounding anywhere near dumb. Very well said.
all i can say is i HATE holidays! it seems i have a freak out every year around that time. it just brings on SOOOO much stress.
as for that 'father' person. he sounds very disillusioned (like most), that everything is great and everyone loves him. it ashame really that more people don't pull their head out of their *rs*. but i guess if its comfortable to live there...let them.
as for thanksgiving, i really try NOT to think too much about it. until i Absolutely have to ...like the week before.
It seems dear 'mother' volunteered me to host Thgvg this year...ok, i JUST had a baby...ya, i can clean and cook and host a family get together...hmmmm. then she made me feel like crap when i told her absolutely no (which i was even proud that i was able to do...hehe but i think i had just seen T day before and teen was near, cuz i was pretty fiesty) of course she used that tone, ohh, you won't.???..... well it was your turn and ....blah blah.... so i agreed to make the bird and take it to their house.
ok...sorry i hijacked a bit RK.
But, it seems around holidays even the biggest @ssholes want to believe they have a perfect family.
i just keep saying We WILL make it through, we WILL!But if they come over to your house, make sure you have some place in the house you can go to to be alone...get away for a moment or two. or maybe "run to the store" for something if you need to get away.
b2c
Posted by B2chica on October 18, 2007, at 8:09:32
In reply to Re: Only one thing about it is dumb..., posted by rskontos on October 17, 2007, at 21:14:18
i'm sorry i have to say this...i was reading this post and saw "my good friend the chiro is moving soon..."
and i read "my good friend the churro is moving...." ROTFL!!!!
maybe i'm hungry for mexican food??
omg...so sorry. LOL!
Posted by rskontos on October 18, 2007, at 11:47:39
In reply to Re: Only one thing about it is dumb... » rskontos, posted by B2chica on October 18, 2007, at 8:09:32
Hey B2C you made me laugh and now I want mexican food. How about us cooking that bird for tday mexican style. How about that for fixing up those family members. lol :)
Posted by rskontos on October 18, 2007, at 11:56:04
In reply to Re: Trying to go easy » rskontos, posted by B2chica on October 18, 2007, at 8:06:59
yeah crappy call, crappy father. I am just trying and so far it is working I feel better today. I think T might set me off but I will deal with it too. I want to deal with it. Well not really but I think if I try this maybe I will be better able to. When I have a negative thought I am trying to counter with a positive one. It is part of my being kind to myself. I found a book, a cleaning book that deals with a cleaning schedule that sets up how you should clean your house and it made me realize I am being obessive. So I plan to read it each day until I get that I am being obessive. I am trying to take it one day. Dont get me wrong this is a fight with myself but I am just as determined as part is determine I will lose. Sounds crazy huh.
Yeah I hate holidays too. At least alone my little family does ok. with family well........ my father lives in lala land. He is in denial that he did anything or that is the problem he didn't protect us. Well then again he didn't want us so why should he do anything. Feed us to the wolves. And now everything is okeydokey according to him. The funny thing is I think he thinks he can say he loves us and all the other just disappears. What he doesn't realize is I feel little to nothing for him. I mean I know I should love him but I separated from him a long time ago and nothing since then has change for me. But he is clueless.
I always have my bedroom and my bed my safety net. I will run when I have too. I can plead headache and they will leave me alone. Thanks for the support. and the hug!!!!!!! We will get through this holiday season together!!!rk
Posted by B2chica on October 18, 2007, at 12:16:14
In reply to Re: Only one thing about it is dumb..., posted by rskontos on October 18, 2007, at 11:47:39
did you say cooking up our family members? sounds good!! i'll get the fryer!
Posted by B2chica on October 18, 2007, at 12:22:38
In reply to Re: Trying to go easy, posted by rskontos on October 18, 2007, at 11:56:04
>>We will get through this holiday season together!!!
ok, so this is my mantra for the season!
-------------------
and by the by, i have the same feelings about my 'mother'. it causes me great pains sometimes as i just really feel nothing for her. nothing. as much as she'd like everything to be all 'better' now between us. its just too late for that.
-sometimes i wish....but that only hurts me more. whats done is done.
All i know is you Can't force forgiveness and you can't force love.
so we have to do what we have to do. Right?i just feel like such a horrible person, cuz everyone around me has such great relationships with their mothers and Can't imagine anyone who doesn't. i cant imagine what it would have been like to have a good one.
she took that away from me. and for that i'm angry.
i never had a mommy. i had a 'mother'.i can't change that but i can do one better.
*for my little girl...i'm her mommy, (now and forever my littleone).
Posted by rskontos on October 18, 2007, at 13:24:42
In reply to Re: Trying to go easy » rskontos, posted by B2chica on October 18, 2007, at 12:22:38
Yes We will Get through this Holiday Season.. Together we will all unite in this uky season!!!!!!
I feel exactly like you do only about dear old dad. My mother is dead, she was abused and mentally ill so she wasn't a great mom and she may have abused us but she was sick so I am angry but at my dad for not trying to help us and her and at her parents my grandparents for just leaving us in the fray and not doing anything just watching and feeling bad but thinking it was her fault she was damaged. They allowed a 7 year to be raped and then ignored that it went on until she was 15. By her grandfather no less. So I am only glad she is dead because she was ill. Psychotic and bi-polarI most likely. Untreated all her life except for her cancer and eventually for seizures. She was a mess mentally and physically so I am numb about my feelings for her as well. I don't know what she did to me other than sketchy memories. Mostly I retreated into my head and had tons of fugues. I lost loads of time. I dissociated like a demon. Maybe I will just never remember all that bad early stuff what I do remember is enough to make me wonder why I am not crazy. My grandparents were not nice, my parents were well ick.....and my dads family were not nice either so we are batting zero here. I have done ok with my children. I fought my battles with my childhood I did remember and tried to do better. I succeeded I think.
No you are right you can't force love or forgiveness. It is easier I think to remain numb. Yep, we do what we need to do to survive the mess we are handed. Don't feel horrible because others got a good mom and you didn't. That is not your fault. Be thankful you can break the cycle and you got through your own with your parts help and can give your daughter what you didn't have and maybe heal yourself too in the process. I thikn anger is ok sometimes. It helps us get thru. I am angry to at my mom, my grandparents my aunt, my uncles, my dad. Whew that is a long list. Wastes a lot of energy no wonder I want to sleep all the time, that and the lexapro.Anyway, we will be ok. We all have each other to help us in the good and bad times!!!!! Here is too our mexican birds!!!!!
Posted by arora on October 18, 2007, at 13:31:00
In reply to Trying to go easy, posted by rskontos on October 17, 2007, at 16:38:45
That idea about having a signal between you and your husband or sister is good... my sister and I have done that kind of thing before, and it can in the end make us laugh. We end up in another room hysterical with giggles, because we see how weird our parents are- it really does help, especially if you choose a funny word for your 'code'. Like "squash", or something... we'd end up saying it in response to anything, regardless. (and it works REALLY well if there ISN'T any squash!)
arora
Posted by arora on October 18, 2007, at 13:37:29
In reply to Re: Trying to go easy, posted by rskontos on October 18, 2007, at 13:24:42
I must have been typing my last post at the same time as you were posting your last one-
I wasn't trying to make light of your childhood or anything, I'm so sorry if it sounded like that, and I wouldn't have posted something so silly if I'd read your most recent post.Holidays bring back so much of the bad stuff, and I wish you didn't have to go through all that again.
arora
Posted by rskontos on October 18, 2007, at 21:58:27
In reply to Re: Trying to go easy... Sorry! » rskontos, posted by arora on October 18, 2007, at 13:37:29
It is ok, arora. I have to make light it sometimes or I'd go crazy too. With all that crazy running around in my family I am surprise I am not more wacky. We can come up with a code word like that. Although as dumb as my dad can be sometimes he definitely wouldn't get something obvious either!!! He does live in his own world. Thanks for your support it means alot.
We will all survive the upcoming Holidays together!!!
Posted by RealMe on October 24, 2007, at 23:55:27
In reply to Re: Trying to go easy, posted by rskontos on October 18, 2007, at 13:24:42
Here is the really weird thing; I used to have to host a lot of extended family gatherings on my husband's side of the family and may do it again this year for Christmas. Point is I felt hurt that I was not seeing more of my family. Was I nuts or what. Now my absent father, mentally abusive mother, and crazy(paranoid schizophrenic) physically and sexually abusive brother are all dead. And so I can never know somethings that I do not remember well. My mother and I got a long better in her latter years, but she also got senile due to a misdiagnosis. Now my only immediate family is my husband. We have no children. So, now I find holidays depressing even though my "family" was weirder than sh*t and crazy and abusive. The think is I also have some good memories as there are those too. Nothing is all one sided.
RealMe
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