Posted by rskontos on October 18, 2007, at 13:24:42
In reply to Re: Trying to go easy » rskontos, posted by B2chica on October 18, 2007, at 12:22:38
Yes We will Get through this Holiday Season.. Together we will all unite in this uky season!!!!!!
I feel exactly like you do only about dear old dad. My mother is dead, she was abused and mentally ill so she wasn't a great mom and she may have abused us but she was sick so I am angry but at my dad for not trying to help us and her and at her parents my grandparents for just leaving us in the fray and not doing anything just watching and feeling bad but thinking it was her fault she was damaged. They allowed a 7 year to be raped and then ignored that it went on until she was 15. By her grandfather no less. So I am only glad she is dead because she was ill. Psychotic and bi-polarI most likely. Untreated all her life except for her cancer and eventually for seizures. She was a mess mentally and physically so I am numb about my feelings for her as well. I don't know what she did to me other than sketchy memories. Mostly I retreated into my head and had tons of fugues. I lost loads of time. I dissociated like a demon. Maybe I will just never remember all that bad early stuff what I do remember is enough to make me wonder why I am not crazy. My grandparents were not nice, my parents were well ick.....and my dads family were not nice either so we are batting zero here. I have done ok with my children. I fought my battles with my childhood I did remember and tried to do better. I succeeded I think.
No you are right you can't force love or forgiveness. It is easier I think to remain numb. Yep, we do what we need to do to survive the mess we are handed. Don't feel horrible because others got a good mom and you didn't. That is not your fault. Be thankful you can break the cycle and you got through your own with your parts help and can give your daughter what you didn't have and maybe heal yourself too in the process. I thikn anger is ok sometimes. It helps us get thru. I am angry to at my mom, my grandparents my aunt, my uncles, my dad. Whew that is a long list. Wastes a lot of energy no wonder I want to sleep all the time, that and the lexapro.Anyway, we will be ok. We all have each other to help us in the good and bad times!!!!! Here is too our mexican birds!!!!!
poster:rskontos
thread:789793
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071009/msgs/789961.html