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Trying to go easy

Posted by rskontos on October 17, 2007, at 16:38:45

Well here goes......In an effort to be true to my resolution to myself I decided to post it so that I follow through with it. I have been floundering for the past year and half since my daughter went to college. I feel like lost and small. Of course, the inital dx of depression did not get the anxiety issues. Finally got a new dx but that isn't all that important maybe but I am still fighting darker and darker thoughts. I put pressure on my self to maintain a certain level of activity in my life. I have all these things I think I must do. Why? Because I have always done the right thing, what is expected. Been the steady one, the one that will always take care of things. I worked myself to the bone on our farm that we just slow because I exhausted myself. Now I think I must maintain that level of physical work and I can't get my stupid brain to slow down. And then I find out all this stuff about my mom. Bad stuff. I start remembering more bad stuff.

I was doing better the other day, having a fairly good day and my father calls, now I haven't worked out how I am feeling about him since I have new knowledge about my childhood, when he tells me about my estranged sister. We haven't known where she lives for years now. He proceeds to tell me and even brags about what she is doing like he was proud of her. The sister that didn't invite him to her wedding, that has kept her children from him and moved without telling him where she is. Now mind you she didn't call with her new address one of her children did without her knowledge. And he is proud of her!

This made me more upset and continues to upset more than I wanted it too. Why, my aunt told me that as kids my parents pitted my sister against me and I guess that is part of it. My father told me he never wanted me, and I found our my paternity was in question. So how else would I take what he told me. And he is coming to my house for Thanksgiving. Ha! I am not sure how I even feel about him right now. But this conversation realllllly bothered me. And my other sister too who thought the same thing I did.

All this is background, my resolve to my self and you guys are witnesses is I am going to just take each day as it comes. If I don't feel like doing anything I won't and I wont feel guilty. Period. I dont owe anything to anyone. Even me. Right!?! Right.

I want to try this and see if I can make it stick. I have to try something. My thoughts are darker and darker. I have thought of dying to much lately and I never in the past ever did that. It makes me feel small. My T is out of town too. I didn't get to see her this week and that doesn't help. I don't need too much time to think between sessions or I disconnect from everything.

I am fragile now but if this sounds dumb please someone point it out kindly. rk

 

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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:rskontos thread:789793
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071009/msgs/789793.html