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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on October 10, 2007, at 9:07:12
ok session was tough and really frustrating.it seemed like a month since i'd seen her last.
since it seemed like forever, i think Everyone wanted to talk. thats what made for bad session.
after i told T this it was amazing cuz T used the "i" word again (integration) and i think they all freaked out, cuz it was me she was talking to and as suddenly as she said that, i started to feel my stomach hurt and my head went all funny, it was like they were all talking and pacing at once in my head.then littleone burst through and cryed and finally she told T she didn't want to go away over and over. finally T asked her if it was ok to give her a hug...i can't even describe how much little one liked that. she cried a little harder because it felt good to be cared about by an adult. but then stupid teen came and backed off quickly, making T let go... i (meaning b2) HATED THAT. i (b2) got mad a her cuz FINALLY someone was holding littleone. and it felt nice to be noticed and cared about, stupid teen messed that up.
so when i got angry, it's like that was an "OK" for teen to be there. she tried to leave and leave quickly, just got to the door and T stopped it. session was already run over but T wouldn't let me leave till B2 was present. i(b2) felt Terrible about that and teen got even more mad. teen would not leave, she opened the door to leave and T said not yet and closed it...oooh that p'd off teen then she wanted to hurt herself, she walked over to the window and all could think about was jumping out.(seriously)..and then rage came again and God help me i think i would have run right through that big window. but someone stopped it cuz i collapsed down. and couldn't move, littleone cryed for a few seconds, then i was present again.
we discussed a little yesterday about this old lady. i'll explain her at another time but for now, i'm sure she is what made me collapse.once i left i took the back stairs to leave and stopped 1/2 way to just cry a bit more, wipe my tears and 'get it together'. then i plugged in music and left.
but teen wasn't completely gone. once i picked up IRL little one from daycare we sat in truck and teen was there. She cares deeply for baby but "babysits". she sat in truck, took off top shirt (only little T underneath) and primped hair, wanted to go cruising. i swear we were both there at the same time, cuz then i'd say GO AWAY! loudly, i'd hold baby hand but Teen wanted to drink!
i knew this would not be a good night. DH was supposed to work late tonight meaning till about 9 or so.
i was so Afraid rage would come out, not that i (she) would ever hurt girl but i might leave the room to punch wall or something...still not tending to kid as should.
so when DH swung by at about 4:30 i told him this was NOT a good day and i had to take a xanax and i needed help with baby. he said he'd just be another hour or so...but by then the xanax was REALLY kicking in and i was starting to slur my words....
he called to cancel appt with client. and stayed.
and from about 5:00 on i don't remember a single thing. DH said i was eating all kinds of things dropping food everywhere, slurring words and sleeping on couch.
i remember NONE of this. i still think he's lying. cuz i remember waking off the couch around 10:00 and went to the kitchen to get something to drink and maybe eat cuz i figured i missed dinner. that's when DH told me all this.
so anyway, this solves last weeks mystery of the no memory of sex with DH.But i know that i took lots more than i should have. i think i even called T. i had the urge to take the whole bottle. my GOD i wanted to SO OOO badly. so i 'think' i called T... but i remember calling once and hanging up, not sure why, then i called back and said something about "i think you need to call me" and hung up.
she never called back. i remember calling cuz i wanted to take whole bottle. i took several (2mg each), that's why the black out i believe.i need help with this. Teen really wants to hurt herself. the pills scare me cuz i could easily die here. maybe i should go back to cutting. at least i never came close to killng myself with the cuts....
PLEASE babblers...any suggestions with this?
i remember my old T worked with substance abuse persons also so there was a 'crisis' number i could call, but i took it out of my phone a while ago....
maybe i should just tell T this
Even though i can't even afford diapers right now, should i make another T appt for this week?
God i HATE not having any money...it just makes things SOOOOO HARD!
i'm starting to cry so i need to stop.
long enough anyway.love you all.
b2c.
Posted by happyflower on October 10, 2007, at 9:26:57
In reply to and this was only the last 10min of session!, posted by B2chica on October 10, 2007, at 9:07:12
Crap! This must scare the bezeebers out of you. I am so glad your DH could be home with you and I hope you see your T today. I am feeling anxious just thinking about this, it is like I am living it with you or something as it is happening.
Your T needs to be extra careful with what seems to be triggering you. What did she say when you left your T? She has to be very concerned about you, I know I am . Please call her today. YOu need to take care of yourself and do what you need to do to do that. I understand the money thing, but hopefully your T can make financial arragements for you so you can see her more often. I sure hope you will be okay, please keep us in touch. I am so worried about you. please, please call your T this morning.
((((B2))))))))
Posted by Dinah on October 10, 2007, at 9:34:00
In reply to and this was only the last 10min of session!, posted by B2chica on October 10, 2007, at 9:07:12
The important thing is for you and your daughter to be safe. Calling your therapist to figure out how to do that is very important.
I've given my pills to my husband to hold sometimes. And I've heard some pharmacies will hand out prescriptions a few days at a time.
But if that isn't enough to keep you and your daughter safe, you need to do what it takes.
Please call your therapist.
Posted by B2chica on October 10, 2007, at 9:46:46
In reply to Re: and this was only the last 10min of session!, posted by happyflower on October 10, 2007, at 9:26:57
YES...bezeebers fits it quite well. its all just SO weird. i did my normal dissociation thing in session yesterday where i get washed over with tired and heavy, so heavy i can't move, did that for a few minutes i think. then tried to explain that i think what happened is they all want to speak and it cloggs up so i drop. i get paralyzed. and so discussing this T said that maybe thats why 'they' emerged. to release it.sorry if it weird for you kinda pseudo living it through me. i don't mean to upset you or anything. i know you had way worse than me. but you are so nice to me i want to share.
well she tried to talk to each one and tell them it is ONLY ok to come forward in her office, not anywhere else. i think they honestly heard her. but i think they got mad. (didn't tell her that).
last thing she said, well after i dropped to the floor, she waited a few moments and leaned down and wispered thank you, thank you for doing your job...(she meant the old lady...explain later time). and then she said she will see me next week.
earlier she asked if i needed to see her sooner but little one was present and she said no, like always, she doesn't want to be a burden (like i think sometimes too).i'm not sure what to do.
i called her last night right before 5 (just double checked phone to see) and she never called last night. or this morning...i mean i don't want to call her again..
HF i'm sorry i'm goig to cut this short, i'm feeling anger build i think teen, also have an urge to eat pills...im guessing its her. luckily i forgot to bring them today. i think DH took them last night. i'm at work i'm gonna go dive into some MATLAB, maybe that will dull my senses for a while.
I ALREADY CALLED HER ONCE IF THATS NOT ENOUGH I'M NNNOOOTTTT F*CK*NG GONNA BEG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by happyflower on October 10, 2007, at 10:00:57
In reply to Re: and this was only the last 10min of session! » happyflower, posted by B2chica on October 10, 2007, at 9:46:46
I am hoping your T calls soon.
Don't worry about me, I am okay, I just care about you, thats why I feel your situation. I am in a good place now, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to respond. I really don't know if I had it worse than you,I really don't think there is a measure to that, all I know is sh*t is sh*t because it all smells, you know?
Just remember I care about you and you are a cool person who has a beautiful daughter to take care of and you will do what you need to do to protect yourself and that baby of yours, if you have to, call your husband so he can help you and your daughter today.
Posted by antigua3 on October 10, 2007, at 11:11:06
In reply to Re: and this was only the last 10min of session! » happyflower, posted by B2chica on October 10, 2007, at 9:46:46
Be careful. And what's wrong with begging, BTW? Call again. You need to stay safe and you're having trouble doing that on your own or even with your DH. You know you shouldn't be taking that much of your med, but I know how it feels to need to block it out. Believe me, I know and have been through it, and I'll be here to help you through this, like all of your babble friends.
You need to find a way to contain the teen, and for the safety of your little one, you have to be in control. I know you know this, I'm just reminding you in the light of day.
Take care of yourself; go to the hospital if you have to. Do what's best for your child because your child needs her warm, loving mother, which you are, and you can't leave her. She needs you too much.
so call your T again, and again, until she understands the seriousness of the situation. You have to be safe.
love,
antigua
Posted by B2chica on October 10, 2007, at 11:17:04
In reply to Re: and this was only the last 10min of session!, posted by antigua3 on October 10, 2007, at 11:11:06
i'm scared to call, and scared not to.
im so confused as to what to do i'm doing nothing.
when i think i'm gonna call, i get all frozen and then angry, so angry i wanna hit, then i say i wont call and calm down.
but i'm sad and want to...it's not littleone sad...its me.i feel unsafe, unsure, unprotected, misunderstood, alone.
i feel like everyones on this beautiful cruise ship and they've put me away out in the water behind the boat, albiet with a life preserver around my waist....but trailing behind, no one to talk to, no one to help. and all i want to do is thrash the water and then relax and let gravity take its course.
Posted by muffled on October 10, 2007, at 13:13:42
In reply to and this was only the last 10min of session!, posted by B2chica on October 10, 2007, at 9:07:12
Well, beleive it or not...there's ALOT thats going well IMHO (and I know squat, only my own stuff) in all this.
> ok session was tough and really frustrating.
*Yup, thats my Mantra these days, T sucks..
>
> it seemed like a month since i'd seen her last.
> since it seemed like forever, i think Everyone wanted to talk. thats what made for bad session.*ya, I've wished I could go more than 1x/wk at times, cuz it IS hard, the cutoff for a week, then trying to reconnect, and SO much to express, but not enuf time...sigh, T sucks...
> after i told T this it was amazing cuz T used the "i" word again (integration) and i think they all freaked out, cuz it was me she was talking to and as suddenly as she said that, i started to feel my stomach hurt and my head went all funny, it was like they were all talking and pacing at once in my head.
*UGH> Tell T to STOP saying that STUPID word. I HATE it too. At first it caused much anger and upset in me too, but its better now, we have decided NO I., just inner contentment and peace w/each other. Mutual respect and kindness. NO I.. God that has got to be the stupidest word EVER.
> then littleone burst through and cryed and finally she told T she didn't want to go away over and over. finally T asked her if it was ok to give her a hug...i can't even describe how much little one liked that. she cried a little harder because it felt good to be cared about by an adult.
*WOW!!! l.o. let T touch her!!! COOOOOLLL! Wow, that musta been so great! She will get to have that again too, another time, sometimes these things you goto wait sometimes. But T is there...
>but then stupid teen came and backed off quickly, making T let go... i (meaning b2) HATED THAT. i (b2) got mad a her cuz FINALLY someone was holding littleone. and it felt nice to be noticed and cared about, stupid teen messed that up.
*I wouldn't say 'stupid' teen, I would say 'scared' teen, and she DID let kid have a bit of a hug....or mebbe she just didn't realize, mebbe teen relaxes her guard despite herself in T's office? Teen was just trying to protect. You got me beat. My protection will still not allow T to touch me :-(
Gets QUITE upset if she does inadvertently. I am glad l.o. got to experience that moment :-)
> so when i got angry, it's like that was an "OK" for teen to be there. she tried to leave and leave quickly, just got to the door and T stopped it.*OH! Your T is brave too!
>session was already run over but T wouldn't let me leave till B2 was present. i(b2) felt Terrible about that and teen got even more mad. teen would not leave, she opened the door to leave and T said not yet and closed it...oooh that p'd off teen then she wanted to hurt herself, she walked over to the window and all could think about was jumping out.(seriously)
**OMG!!!!!!! OMG!!!!! OMG!!! She CLOSED THE DOOR????????????? OK now that would have UTTERLY put me over the edge, :-( I may try and come across as well adjusted, but I am sorry, OMG, NO! no, my T better NEVER EVER do that...:-( NEVER. EP would come :-( Dunno what EP would do :-(
Jumping out.....I SERIOUSLY don't blame her AT ALL. BUT....she didn't....good for her, she must have been totally freaked, but she didn't do it.
OH CRAP she musta been so freaked.>..and then rage came again and God help me i think i would have run right through that big window. but someone stopped it cuz i collapsed down. and couldn't move, littleone cryed for a few seconds, then i was present again.
**See? You have system of protection, thats what its all about, we protect ourselves. So I guess thats good.
> we discussed a little yesterday about this old lady. i'll explain her at another time but for now, i'm sure she is what made me collapse.
*I have this one I rarely access, it kinda creeps me out, I feel utterly awed in its presence...I dunno who/what it is? I just call it The One WHo KNows(TOWK). It just seems to know stuff, and is SO calm. Yup, it creeps me out. I kinda feel ashamed before it. I dunno that its any part of me. I wonder if its like and angel or something, dunno.
> once i left i took the back stairs to leave and stopped 1/2 way to just cry a bit more, wipe my tears and 'get it together'. then i plugged in music and left.**((((music)))
> but teen wasn't completely gone. once i picked up IRL little one from daycare we sat in truck and teen was there. She cares deeply for baby but "babysits". she sat in truck, took off top shirt (only little T underneath) and primped hair, wanted to go cruising. i swear we were both there at the same time, cuz then i'd say GO AWAY! loudly, i'd hold baby hand but Teen wanted to drink!**see, to me "both there" is proly a good thing. I think it is a sign of greater awareness, i thinks its a good sign.
> i knew this would not be a good night. DH was supposed to work late tonight meaning till about 9 or so.
> i was so Afraid rage would come out, not that i (she) would ever hurt girl but i might leave the room to punch wall or something...still not tending to kid as should.**awww B2, you a GREAT Mom :-)
> so when DH swung by at about 4:30 i told him this was NOT a good day and i had to take a xanax and i needed help with baby. he said he'd just be another hour or so...but by then the xanax was REALLY kicking in and i was starting to slur my words....
> he called to cancel appt with client. and stayed.
> and from about 5:00 on i don't remember a single thing. DH said i was eating all kinds of things dropping food everywhere, slurring words and sleeping on couch.
> i remember NONE of this. i still think he's lying. cuz i remember waking off the couch around 10:00 and went to the kitchen to get something to drink and maybe eat cuz i figured i missed dinner. that's when DH told me all this.
> so anyway, this solves last weeks mystery of the no memory of sex with DH.**ahhhh. Well thats good to know. good that hubby stayed home too.
>
> But i know that i took lots more than i should have. i think i even called T. i had the urge to take the whole bottle. my GOD i wanted to SO OOO badly. so i 'think' i called T... but i remember calling once and hanging up, not sure why, then i called back and said something about "i think you need to call me" and hung up.
> she never called back. i remember calling cuz i wanted to take whole bottle. i took several (2mg each), that's why the black out i believe.*Now you ARE talking xanax, alprazolam? That is a LARGE dose, NO wonder you have memory loss...
I have only . 25 tablets.....hmmmm.
Maybe you could get a lower dosage tablet next time?
>
> i need help with this. Teen really wants to hurt herself. the pills scare me cuz i could easily die here. maybe i should go back to cutting. at least i never came close to killng myself with the cuts....*hmmmm, Yes, yes you COULD die....a little too easily :-(
This is a tough quandary....this I do not know the answer to. Being a cutter and substance abuser myself....> PLEASE babblers...any suggestions with this?
> i remember my old T worked with substance abuse persons also so there was a 'crisis' number i could call, but i took it out of my phone a while ago....*perhaps you could re-enter it? Dunno if it would be useful, but could mebbe give it a try...
> maybe i should just tell T this
*DEFINATELY. She could proly help you make a crisis plan.
> Even though i can't even afford diapers right now, should i make another T appt for this week?
*Is she willing to do phone calls free/cheap? for this rough patch?
> God i HATE not having any money...it just makes things SOOOOO HARD!
*yes it does :-(
> i'm starting to cry so i need to stop.
> long enough anyway.
>
> love you all.
> b2c.
>*right back atcha B2. I gonna check your other posts cuz I am sure there was something else I wanted to say but can't remember.
Take care,
You helping me too.
M
Posted by muffled on October 10, 2007, at 13:42:28
In reply to Re: and this was only the last 10min of session! » happyflower, posted by B2chica on October 10, 2007, at 9:46:46
> well she tried to talk to each one and tell them it is ONLY ok to come forward in her office, not anywhere else. i think they honestly heard her. but i think they got mad. (didn't tell her that).
**OK, now this I don't entirely understand. It would make me angry too. Only thing I can figger is that T is trying to have control or something? at least initially?
I think if the others are willing to let you be there as well, and if they willing to behave, then why NOT let them have their time? I wonder if T could possibly rephrase what she said, and say something more validating to them? Like its good to come and see me in the office, and sometimes its Ok if its APPROPRIATE circumstances, to come out and visit, but they got to listen to adult B2 and behave, cuz they count too, and she would like them to be able to espress themselves sometimes, but it has to be appropriate and they goto listen adult B2 cuz she DOES usu know best.
Something like that?or mebbe you not ready for that yet?
I dunno, I just kinda think of how a kid will scream 'I hate you', to someone he doesn't hate, but in fact loves. He is expressing his pain. I just KNOW that the ones inside EXIST, they ARE. So when for eg B2, your teen expressess herself, I don't freak out, she is a person to me. She is real. She is herself. And she is so NOT crazy. She just is hurting. I also feel she's actaully really rather a smart cookie too. I hope she can have some calmer conversations with your T, cuz I bet once she gets more validation, she will calm down LOTS. She needs to be heard. She needs to know she is trusted. She needs to know she is a valuable part of you. She needs to know that you know that she exists in reality.
These are MY thots anyways. I do not mean to put words in her mouth, but this is how it is for me. That is what I mean.
> last thing she said, well after i dropped to the floor, she waited a few moments and leaned down and wispered thank you, thank you for doing your job...(she meant the old lady...explain later time). and then she said she will see me next week.*yup, protection...
> earlier she asked if i needed to see her sooner but little one was present and she said no, like always, she doesn't want to be a burden (like i think sometimes too).
**Its weird, but I not sure who I am mostly in T.
But I am the same way as you, I never want to be a prob...> i'm not sure what to do.
> i called her last night right before 5 (just double checked phone to see) and she never called last night. or this morning...i mean i don't want to call her again..*yeah I HATE to have to keep calling....did I tell you my mantra? T sucks...
> HF i'm sorry i'm goig to cut this short, i'm feeling anger build i think teen, also have an urge to eat pills...im guessing its her. luckily i forgot to bring them today. i think DH took them last night. i'm at work i'm gonna go dive into some MATLAB, maybe that will dull my senses for a while.
*thats a GREAT GREAT idea to get hubby to portion pills. Let him know the max dose/day.
> I ALREADY CALLED HER ONCE IF THATS NOT ENOUGH I'M NNNOOOTTTT F*CK*NG GONNA BEG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*F*CK*NG NO WAY.
NO F*CK*NG BEGGING HERE EITHER.
WE DON"T *NEED* NOBODDY.
F*CK THAT.
But.... you could just call and say 'f*ck you' on her message machine....and if you kinda want her to call back...mebbe squeak out at the end...sorry please call....
And if she answers.....say the same....
I think for me, just I needed to know T existed. Sometimes I just had to hear her voice so I knew she existed. I proly would like to hear sweet words to that kid, but I don't think protection would allow her to hear them, they would be blocked from her.
B2, y'know, you sure remind me of me at times.....
I'm SO glad. NOT glad you hurt, but glad I not alone. And you OK, so mebbe I OK too?
Thanks.
M
Posted by muffled on October 10, 2007, at 13:52:30
In reply to Re: and this was only the last 10min of session! » antigua3, posted by B2chica on October 10, 2007, at 11:17:04
> i'm scared to call, and scared not to.
> im so confused as to what to do i'm doing nothing.
> when i think i'm gonna call, i get all frozen and then angry, so angry i wanna hit, then i say i wont call and calm down.
> but i'm sad and want to...it's not littleone sad...its me.*well FWIW when i used to get all messed, seroquel helped calm me....
Could make things easier...
Once you've weaned...
> i feel unsafe, unsure, unprotected, misunderstood, alone.*Oh boy....you not alone in the world, mebbe IRL at home, but worldwise, you so not alone..I'm out here...
As far as unsafe, maybe, but your T really put you thru your paces last session, OMG did she EVER. And you did OK. It was hard, but you guys did OK. Try and give yourselfs some credit...
You made it this far, no quitting now. Tell alla yourself that. Mebbe you guys might manage to talk bout that some.
Unprotected...mebbe...but yu got the love for your babe, you got hubby, you got T, you got babble, you got internal protection, mebbe even an angel like mebbe me?> i feel like everyones on this beautiful cruise ship and they've put me away out in the water behind the boat, albiet with a life preserver around my waist....but trailing behind, no one to talk to, no one to help. and all i want to do is thrash the water and then relax and let gravity take its course.
>
*OK, I come into boat with you!!!!! YA!!!!! LOVE IT. We sit in back and yell F*CK YOU to them fancy cruise people.
THEN! at night, well puul up the rope...come aboard...and go and PISS IN THE POOL!!!!! Swipe some smokes and beer and food, sneek back to our boat, and PARTAY!!! And yell f*ck ya at them other cruisers for awhile.....bet B4 ya know it EVERYBODDY gonna WANNA be on OUR boat cuz we the FUN ONES!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA F*CK YA!
:-)
M
Posted by antigua3 on October 10, 2007, at 14:36:55
In reply to Re: and this was only the last 10min of session! » antigua3, posted by B2chica on October 10, 2007, at 11:17:04
I know you're scared to call, but for the sake of your lovely child, you need to do it.
I'm in that lifeboat with you--no cruise ships for me either--so just hold on tight.But you need to call, or go to the hospital. You have come so very, very far since we've gotten to know you, and you have value and importance. You are trying so hard, and as hard as it is, you have to keep trying. Please don't give in. If you keep taking those dosages, you'll end up in the hospital anyway, so why not take control on your own.
I know I'm harsh, but we all really care about you. You can be helped, you're not hopeless, and you have to try to break through to really helping yourself.
Pls call your T, or babblemail me and I'd be glad to.
antigua
Posted by RealMe on October 10, 2007, at 22:51:34
In reply to and this was only the last 10min of session!, posted by B2chica on October 10, 2007, at 9:07:12
I have not read the other responses yet, but it seems to me that teen needs a big hug and some understanding. Underneath her anger, etc is a lot of hurt. What would she do if T were to say she wanted to give her a hug and talked to her. I suspect she would tell her to go to hell, but if T said no, I want to know you as I need your help, what might teen do?? I will stop there as this is stuff you and T need to work on, and I hope you and T can convince everyone that integration does not mean they go away; they still get to be here and can work together to help each other if they know each other better and what each is really afraid of. Right. Even little one can help teen eventually.
RealMe
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