Posted by muffled on October 10, 2007, at 13:13:42
In reply to and this was only the last 10min of session!, posted by B2chica on October 10, 2007, at 9:07:12
Well, beleive it or not...there's ALOT thats going well IMHO (and I know squat, only my own stuff) in all this.
> ok session was tough and really frustrating.
*Yup, thats my Mantra these days, T sucks..
>
> it seemed like a month since i'd seen her last.
> since it seemed like forever, i think Everyone wanted to talk. thats what made for bad session.*ya, I've wished I could go more than 1x/wk at times, cuz it IS hard, the cutoff for a week, then trying to reconnect, and SO much to express, but not enuf time...sigh, T sucks...
> after i told T this it was amazing cuz T used the "i" word again (integration) and i think they all freaked out, cuz it was me she was talking to and as suddenly as she said that, i started to feel my stomach hurt and my head went all funny, it was like they were all talking and pacing at once in my head.
*UGH> Tell T to STOP saying that STUPID word. I HATE it too. At first it caused much anger and upset in me too, but its better now, we have decided NO I., just inner contentment and peace w/each other. Mutual respect and kindness. NO I.. God that has got to be the stupidest word EVER.
> then littleone burst through and cryed and finally she told T she didn't want to go away over and over. finally T asked her if it was ok to give her a hug...i can't even describe how much little one liked that. she cried a little harder because it felt good to be cared about by an adult.
*WOW!!! l.o. let T touch her!!! COOOOOLLL! Wow, that musta been so great! She will get to have that again too, another time, sometimes these things you goto wait sometimes. But T is there...
>but then stupid teen came and backed off quickly, making T let go... i (meaning b2) HATED THAT. i (b2) got mad a her cuz FINALLY someone was holding littleone. and it felt nice to be noticed and cared about, stupid teen messed that up.
*I wouldn't say 'stupid' teen, I would say 'scared' teen, and she DID let kid have a bit of a hug....or mebbe she just didn't realize, mebbe teen relaxes her guard despite herself in T's office? Teen was just trying to protect. You got me beat. My protection will still not allow T to touch me :-(
Gets QUITE upset if she does inadvertently. I am glad l.o. got to experience that moment :-)
> so when i got angry, it's like that was an "OK" for teen to be there. she tried to leave and leave quickly, just got to the door and T stopped it.*OH! Your T is brave too!
>session was already run over but T wouldn't let me leave till B2 was present. i(b2) felt Terrible about that and teen got even more mad. teen would not leave, she opened the door to leave and T said not yet and closed it...oooh that p'd off teen then she wanted to hurt herself, she walked over to the window and all could think about was jumping out.(seriously)
**OMG!!!!!!! OMG!!!!! OMG!!! She CLOSED THE DOOR????????????? OK now that would have UTTERLY put me over the edge, :-( I may try and come across as well adjusted, but I am sorry, OMG, NO! no, my T better NEVER EVER do that...:-( NEVER. EP would come :-( Dunno what EP would do :-(
Jumping out.....I SERIOUSLY don't blame her AT ALL. BUT....she didn't....good for her, she must have been totally freaked, but she didn't do it.
OH CRAP she musta been so freaked.>..and then rage came again and God help me i think i would have run right through that big window. but someone stopped it cuz i collapsed down. and couldn't move, littleone cryed for a few seconds, then i was present again.
**See? You have system of protection, thats what its all about, we protect ourselves. So I guess thats good.
> we discussed a little yesterday about this old lady. i'll explain her at another time but for now, i'm sure she is what made me collapse.
*I have this one I rarely access, it kinda creeps me out, I feel utterly awed in its presence...I dunno who/what it is? I just call it The One WHo KNows(TOWK). It just seems to know stuff, and is SO calm. Yup, it creeps me out. I kinda feel ashamed before it. I dunno that its any part of me. I wonder if its like and angel or something, dunno.
> once i left i took the back stairs to leave and stopped 1/2 way to just cry a bit more, wipe my tears and 'get it together'. then i plugged in music and left.**((((music)))
> but teen wasn't completely gone. once i picked up IRL little one from daycare we sat in truck and teen was there. She cares deeply for baby but "babysits". she sat in truck, took off top shirt (only little T underneath) and primped hair, wanted to go cruising. i swear we were both there at the same time, cuz then i'd say GO AWAY! loudly, i'd hold baby hand but Teen wanted to drink!**see, to me "both there" is proly a good thing. I think it is a sign of greater awareness, i thinks its a good sign.
> i knew this would not be a good night. DH was supposed to work late tonight meaning till about 9 or so.
> i was so Afraid rage would come out, not that i (she) would ever hurt girl but i might leave the room to punch wall or something...still not tending to kid as should.**awww B2, you a GREAT Mom :-)
> so when DH swung by at about 4:30 i told him this was NOT a good day and i had to take a xanax and i needed help with baby. he said he'd just be another hour or so...but by then the xanax was REALLY kicking in and i was starting to slur my words....
> he called to cancel appt with client. and stayed.
> and from about 5:00 on i don't remember a single thing. DH said i was eating all kinds of things dropping food everywhere, slurring words and sleeping on couch.
> i remember NONE of this. i still think he's lying. cuz i remember waking off the couch around 10:00 and went to the kitchen to get something to drink and maybe eat cuz i figured i missed dinner. that's when DH told me all this.
> so anyway, this solves last weeks mystery of the no memory of sex with DH.**ahhhh. Well thats good to know. good that hubby stayed home too.
>
> But i know that i took lots more than i should have. i think i even called T. i had the urge to take the whole bottle. my GOD i wanted to SO OOO badly. so i 'think' i called T... but i remember calling once and hanging up, not sure why, then i called back and said something about "i think you need to call me" and hung up.
> she never called back. i remember calling cuz i wanted to take whole bottle. i took several (2mg each), that's why the black out i believe.*Now you ARE talking xanax, alprazolam? That is a LARGE dose, NO wonder you have memory loss...
I have only . 25 tablets.....hmmmm.
Maybe you could get a lower dosage tablet next time?
>
> i need help with this. Teen really wants to hurt herself. the pills scare me cuz i could easily die here. maybe i should go back to cutting. at least i never came close to killng myself with the cuts....*hmmmm, Yes, yes you COULD die....a little too easily :-(
This is a tough quandary....this I do not know the answer to. Being a cutter and substance abuser myself....> PLEASE babblers...any suggestions with this?
> i remember my old T worked with substance abuse persons also so there was a 'crisis' number i could call, but i took it out of my phone a while ago....*perhaps you could re-enter it? Dunno if it would be useful, but could mebbe give it a try...
> maybe i should just tell T this
*DEFINATELY. She could proly help you make a crisis plan.
> Even though i can't even afford diapers right now, should i make another T appt for this week?
*Is she willing to do phone calls free/cheap? for this rough patch?
> God i HATE not having any money...it just makes things SOOOOO HARD!
*yes it does :-(
> i'm starting to cry so i need to stop.
> long enough anyway.
>
> love you all.
> b2c.
>*right back atcha B2. I gonna check your other posts cuz I am sure there was something else I wanted to say but can't remember.
Take care,
You helping me too.
M
poster:muffled
thread:788222
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071009/msgs/788303.html