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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 32. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gazo on May 8, 2007, at 18:45:59
last night i very nearly ended my life. i sat for a very very long time with my meds and stared at them. i came so close to over-dosing. i took more than my dosage to be sure i would sleep and as i began to fade i could not come up with any good reasons to have hope. Had i not just gone to sleep when i did, by deliberate choice and force, i would not be here typing this.
there is only so much one person can take.. and for so long.
i saw my T again today (saw him yesterday) and told him basically what i just said here. We talked about what i could do to keep from getting to that point. We talked about a lot of things surrounding safety. He understood why i feel so hopeless... because in my situation there just isn't a lot of positive happening... my future is bleak in many ways and i am trapped in an emotionally bleak place.
he is going away for three weeks next week, so i have just one more appt before he does. i have not been able to tell him that it might be the last time i see him because of money issues. i just can't. Please don't suggest that. i am working hard to find a way to keep seeing him even if i have to reduce the frequency. i need this guy.
it's scary how fast things change... i had a very productive session with T yesterday, some important positive things happened. But at home very negative things unfolded and everything went to hell in a handbasket fast. i had been struggling for days with intense pain... late last night i fell hard.
i don't know how to stop this.. it happened so fast. No time to recognize warning signs.. no time to call friends or find someone to stay with me. i wouldn't go to the hospital anyway.. but even if i was willing, it hit too fast for that. i was beyond wanting any help or accepting it.
it went from feeling suicidal to very nearly acting on it... very quickly.
tonight i am keeping myself semi-coherent.. clonazepam...
Posted by sunnydays on May 8, 2007, at 19:36:10
In reply to ***suicide triggers***, posted by gazo on May 8, 2007, at 18:45:59
(((((gazo))))))
I'm so happy you are still alive. You wrote me a beautiful post this morning. I would still encourage you to talk to your T - he may have a suggestion you never thought of. I never expected my T to offer to see me for free, but he did - it worked out so I can pay him, but he would have seen me for free. Apparently he sees one person for free every year. Maybe your T would have a surprising suggestion you could never anticipate.
Also, please just try to hang on. Can you distract yourself with a good book or tv or a craft or something - it works sometimes a little to at least keep me hanging on to something. Force yourself to do something if you can.
But I'm so sorry it's so hard. Keep writing here.
sunnydays
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 8, 2007, at 19:47:28
In reply to ***suicide triggers***, posted by gazo on May 8, 2007, at 18:45:59
klonopin is good for keeping one sane under intense pressure.
You must feel like you're a pressure cooker and yesterday taught you that one more little puff of bad news is enough to hit you hard.
I'm kind of in the same place. T and me working on this stuff too. It comes down to taking the best care of yourself at all times. clonazepam. yep. sometimes it takes that. Sometimes it takes a very very difficult promise to go to bed and not get out of it until we can manage to stay safe.
and a promise to go back to bed if things get that bad again.
I spend a lot of energy keeping my bed my safe place. It's hard. laundry doesn't get done. but bedsheets are clean. ear plugs and eye mask close by and the world be damned. I must escape.
If staying on babblechat helps keep you safe, I think you should make it part of your routine. Sometimes it doesn't help though, like when all of us are talking silly stuff and you are sitting there with very few options in front of you, one of which may be fatal.
Gazo, you've been a good person here. You would be so so missed if you went. I had another friend who left babble, and I still mourn him. See, I can even cry right now, despite all the stupid meds I'm on. You are cared about, and have the ability to care deeply for others.
I hope that you can set yourself up a safety net for the next little bit. Pressure cookers in a safetynet. what a terrible metaphor. Oh well.
If you have a particularly dangerous medication right now, can you discuss with pdoc the possibility of switching to something less toxic?
This probably sounds really dumb, but one of the things I did when I got out of the hospital was that I put all my pills into a little pill planner. Somehow seeing them all in a little compartment and only opening up one compartment at a time was much less triggering than opening up an entire bottle and being forced to make a decision 2,3 times a day "do I overdose? Is it worth it?".
Stupid things like that. And this packet of things that I had to fill out in the hospital one day. things that I am grateful for, things that make me happy. Things that have made me happy in the past. little plans to get through every hour. every day. and then the day is over and you've survived another one.
Every moment counts. I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. You are very intelligent though, so I think you know some of the tricks to keep yourself safe. I'm still learning them myself.
-Ll
Posted by gazo on May 8, 2007, at 23:12:37
In reply to Re: ***suicide triggers*** » gazo, posted by sunnydays on May 8, 2007, at 19:36:10
thank you sunny.. i am going to put it in a letter i think.. give it to him at our last session. Then he can think about it. i don't want to put him a position where he has to feel like he has to offer me something, esp if he can't.
thank you for caring
much love and peace
Posted by gazo on May 8, 2007, at 23:25:37
In reply to Re: ***suicide triggers*** » gazo, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 8, 2007, at 19:47:28
oh Llurpsie.. what a wonderful post. Thank you. You made me smile.. a weepy smile, but still a smile. Even through the clonazepam haze. God bless clonazepam... and they didn't used to help at all when i was hypomanic.
that was one strategy my T said was not great but a better alternative.. going to bed. i take enough pills to make me sleep, then wake up and take more... until i can function. i don't have a real bed anymore so no place to make into a haven. Due to the physical pain i am in i can't sleep on a regular bed anymore. But i do have two warm fuzzy furkids who love nothing more than to crawl into "bed" with me. They are what keeps me alive a lot of the time.
what scared me the most about last night was that i didn't even think of them anymore.. and that's what usually stops me. all i wanted was for the pain to stop.. to stop and just not wake up to it again in the morning.
you said so much which is true.. the pressure cooker. it's been that way for nearly two years.. i am drained. The chronic pain exhausts me too. i am just tired of life being so damn hard ALL the time.. can't catch any breaks at all?
i find chat helpful sometimes.. even when it's silly.. sometimes that distracting. othertimes it's just cyber-human contact. other times i stay away because i am easily triggered.
thank you for your kind words Llurpsie.. it means something. The next while is going to be very hard for me, and it's going to get worse before it gets better sadly...
thank you for caring and for just being you
much love and peace
Posted by Wittgenstein on May 9, 2007, at 7:36:58
In reply to Re: ***suicide triggers*** » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by gazo on May 8, 2007, at 23:25:37
Gazo - I know I haven't posted for a while but have been reading through the board today.
My heart goes out to you - please, please hold on - there are people who really care about you here - I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now but please hold on.
You are in my thoughts.
Libby
Posted by sunnydays on May 9, 2007, at 8:43:22
In reply to Re: ***suicide triggers*** » sunnydays, posted by gazo on May 8, 2007, at 23:12:37
Why wait, though? Stating the facts wouldn't be pressuring him. He'll either be able to help or he won't. Are you afraid you would feel hurt if he didn't have a suggestion? That would be understandable, but the absolute worst he can say is that he's sorry, he doesn't have any suggestions. And plus, wouldn't it be fair to him to know it's your last session? He might feel a little upset if you just spring it on him that you can't see him anymore, and it might mar that session in your memory, and if it is the last one, I wouldn't want that.
Good luck gazo. I'd encourage you to talk about it as soon as possible.
sunnydays
Posted by gazo on May 9, 2007, at 10:35:28
In reply to Re: ***suicide triggers*** » gazo, posted by sunnydays on May 9, 2007, at 8:43:22
i'd feel like i was asking for special treatment somehow and i can't do that. i have real issues with asking for anything.. i'd feel like i was putting him in a bad position. i wouldn't be hurt if he said no, but i'd feel awkward and if i could find a way to keep seeing him that would taint it for me.
i wouldn't tell him in the last session, if it is the last one, either. He wouldn't know until he realized at some point that he hadn't seen me in a while. He hasn't known me that long, i doubt he'd notice right away or anything.
i am fighting to find ways to keep seeing him, even if it is only every so often. i know i couldn't get much serious work done that way but i'd feel like i had an anchor.
Posted by gazo on May 9, 2007, at 10:49:42
In reply to Re: ***suicide triggers***, posted by Wittgenstein on May 9, 2007, at 7:36:58
thank you... i know people care, in the limited way we can through this medium... but there isn't anyone who would notice i was gone IRL.. not for a while. i think about how long it would be before someone even found me. i don't think it would occur to anyone to look for me, or notice i had not been around. My only real friend has left the city and my friends elsewhere are..well, elsewhere.
there wouldn't be a hole in someone's life where i used to be. Every day would go on for them the same.
but that isn't what drives me to feel so bad.. it just reaffirms it. i have a very bleak future ahead of me for many reasons. My options are limited in building a life. i don't have a lot of things i can hope for. i had to walk ten minutes to the store and i could barely do it.
i have nothing, i have no one and i am nothing.
i appreciate your words, i do. It always matters because even limited caring is caring of some kind.. it's another little piece of thread i can tie to the end of the one i am hanging from.
calling pdoc today.. i don't think there is much he can do beyond the changes we have made.. it just takes time for those to work. He also said he believes that nothing is going to help until my stressors resolve somehow. He is worried about my safety too.
i told my T about posting online, not about babble specifically though. i told him it was a resource because people understand and i can just write.
what i would dearly love is company.. someone who would drop by and bring me a treat.. a flower or a cupcake.. anything really. Someone who didn't mind if i can't smile or have much to say. Someone who would be ok with just saying nothing or telling me about their day. a friend. i need a friend and in my state i am not capable of making new ones or even figuring out how to. i am a strange fish.. i don't fit in with people my own age at all.
i'm just going to take another clonazepam and sleep though the day. i can't handle any of this.
much love and peace
Posted by LadyBug on May 9, 2007, at 11:23:47
In reply to ***suicide triggers***, posted by gazo on May 8, 2007, at 18:45:59
gazo,
I'm trying to understand and I wonder what it's like to cross the line of wanting to die and actually looking at a bottle of pills. I've been at the point of thinking about the pills. It's so very painful. The best thing for me is to take some anxiety meds and go to sleep. Often the deep painful feelings subside some. I'm so sorry you're hurting. Do try to think of anything positive in your life to keep you going. You are a good person and deserve to have peace and happiness in your life. Nothing lasts forever, not even pain. Always remember that because it's true. I've been there and it's awful in those moments.
LadyBug
Posted by gazo on May 9, 2007, at 11:32:09
In reply to Re: ***suicide triggers*** » gazo, posted by LadyBug on May 9, 2007, at 11:23:47
thank you for understanding LB.. the line is thinner than you'd think. It happened so fast too. i don't really even know what stopped me.. i think i just didn't have the mental energy to just do it.
i even poured them all out in my hand. one movement that would have been it... it's a scary thought.
last night i kept myself doped up and hang out in chat for a while, even though i generally had no idea what was happening... except for Llurpsie's feet.
i wish i could find a copy of finding nemo... it always makes me smile somehow. it wouldn't have helped that night, but maybe generally.
i wish i could believe i deserved those things.. my T says the big thing we have to tackle first is along those lines. He doesn't deserve to get someone like me... he's such a nice guy. He says he thinks i can really change, but he hasn't run into how f*cked up i am yet... not the real bad parts anyway.
much love and peace
Posted by gazo on May 9, 2007, at 14:34:00
In reply to ***suicide triggers***, posted by gazo on May 8, 2007, at 18:45:59
i have been saying i wanted a message from my T to listen to... i think now is the perfect time to ask. He is going away so i won't have access to calling him and he very much wants me to find coping strategies. He was very concerned.
i'm going to *try* to work up the nerve to ask. i am going to write a letter and drop it off tomorrow, ask him to read it right away so he can call tomorrow. That will help over the weekend and it'll be a tes run before he leaves. i see him again monday.
in case anyone is interested, you'll notice there hasn't been any major binge drinking, SI or other dangerous behaviours like that lately... i am trying really hard. It hasn't/won't go away but it has decreased. That's something right?
Posted by Happyflower on May 9, 2007, at 22:43:06
In reply to Re: possible safety net ***suicide triggers***, posted by gazo on May 9, 2007, at 14:34:00
I just wanted to say that I think you are awesome. ;-) I hope you can ask for a message to save on your phone. You could always call him when he isn't in and ask a question and let your answering machine pick up his message. ;-)
Posted by muffled on May 9, 2007, at 23:02:21
In reply to Re: possible safety net ***suicide triggers***, posted by gazo on May 9, 2007, at 14:34:00
Posted by Wittgenstein on May 10, 2007, at 5:13:32
In reply to Re: ***suicide triggers*** » Wittgenstein, posted by gazo on May 9, 2007, at 10:49:42
Gazo,
How are you doing today? I hope the night wasn't too long.
I can't know how you feel at the moment but I know how it is with the benzos - sleeping to escape - just getting through one day then the next but not knowing why. I know it's hell, and I'm scared when I will next find myself in that position. Please hold on and keep yourself safe.
We don't really go in for cupcakes in the Netherlands - I'd bring you stroopwaffels instead (these are syrup filled waffles which taste great after 30 seconds in the microwave) - flowers would be no problem though of course - tulips all the way!
If ever I can support you in any way, please just ask - just send a message.
Libby
Posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 8:16:09
In reply to Re: ***suicide triggers*** Cupcakes for (((Gazo))), posted by Wittgenstein on May 10, 2007, at 5:13:32
waffley things are welcome too :o)i had forgotten you were in the Netherlands...it must be beautiful there now. Can you see mountains from where you are? i am sad to say i don't know much about the geography of Europe in general... never was a subject i studied much.
i am doing better, esp in the day time. There are factors out of my control which make me drop suddenly but i try hard otherwise to improve. i have a small list of errands to do today and i will feel good if i can at least do that. It would be *something.*
On the weekend i'd like to drive to my favourite place in the world. It's a beach where the waves roll in long stretches... beautiful sand, salt air... in the summer it's warm enough to swim (barely). i have been to beaches from Spain to california and this one can match any of them IMO.
It's my cathedral. i go there and talk to the ocean. No sh*t. i know how weird that sounds, esp from me as i am not into anything like that... no religion or anything. But the ocean is a bit different for me.
Problem is that the beach is a couple of hours from here... moocho petrol. i need every dime to keep seeing T. Sad times.Once the insurance ends i have to find a way to pay for it... $140 per session. Ouch.
i am holding on as best i can.. just keep fingers and toes crossed that the external factors stay manageable. That is where the big problem is.
much love and peace
Posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 8:31:16
In reply to ((((Gazo))))))))), posted by Happyflower on May 9, 2007, at 22:43:06
thank you HF... i was sure i wrote a message to you somewhere about how our talk the other night in chat was so helpful to me.. was it a bmail? did i dream that?
you are a beautiful soul. :o)
Posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 8:40:43
In reply to ***suicide triggers***, posted by gazo on May 8, 2007, at 18:45:59
so i called. about 2am. it's his direct office line so i knew he would not answer. i called for two reasons, one was about feedback on how to handle an upcoming problem... but i slipped it in there that i had an idea for a safety strategy... AND i asked him to call me back.
what can i say? i was doped up and feeling brave
so he did call back first thing this morning.. i almost puked but didn't.. he is not scary at all once i am talking to him. He did his best with the feed back issue.. and he said that he thought the voicemail was a good idea! yay!
i had trouble asking for it... trouble getting out what it was i wanted. He said we should discuss it on Monday so that the message will be what i need.
i had hoped to get it now.. but this will do i guess.
this was a big deal for me. This guy must be good to get me to do this.
Posted by Dinah on May 10, 2007, at 10:02:58
In reply to a HUGE step, posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 8:40:43
I'm glad you asked and glad you answered.
And he's right. It'll be much better if you're specific about what you want.
Posted by Dinah on May 10, 2007, at 10:03:42
In reply to :-) » gazo, posted by Dinah on May 10, 2007, at 10:02:58
glad he answered.
Morning brain.
Posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 10:50:29
In reply to Re: :-), posted by Dinah on May 10, 2007, at 10:03:42
yeah... it's ok.. i had morning brain when i answered the phone. Took me a second to recall why i had left him a message...
"hi gazo, it's X"..huh? who? OH! ok...
ah morning brain...love it.
much love and peace
Posted by muffled on May 10, 2007, at 12:35:29
In reply to Re: :-) » Dinah, posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 10:50:29
Posted by Wittgenstein on May 10, 2007, at 13:43:22
In reply to Re: ***suicide triggers*** Cupcakes for (((Gazo))) » Wittgenstein, posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 8:16:09
It's been lovely here - really warm and sunny - but alas this week the rain is back (but being a Brit I'm used to that I suppose!). No mountains in the Netherlands (which is a shame) - it's probably the flattest country in the world (that's why we cycle everywhere).
I'm glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. Errand lists are such a good idea - I've been trying to give my days some structure this way. Yesterday I plucked up the courage for the first time in 3 months to go alone to the supermarket (ok that makes me sound really pathetic but busy places are a nightmare for me). I felt exhausted afterwards but just doing it has boosted my confidence - today I went for a long bike ride, which felt great.
I hope you have a wonderful time at the beach - it sounds like a lovely place - just imagining those waves rolling in.
I read your other posts - a big well done for plucking up the courage to leave a message for your T - I'm so glad he responded and in just the right way.
Many T's seem more than open to sliding scales - I know other Babblers have said this already and that you don't want to ask your T about this but you did ask for the voicemail (which is a huge step) - maybe this is something to try and work up to? Or perhaps he can defer payments for a while? I hope you get the courage to talk to him about this.
Good luck and take care.
Libby :)
Posted by Happyflower on May 10, 2007, at 16:26:12
In reply to a HUGE step, posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 8:40:43
> so .
>
> > i had trouble asking for it... trouble getting out what it was i wanted. He said we should discuss it on Monday so that the message will be what i need.
>
> this was a big deal for me. This guy must be good to get me to do this.First of all you are the one who reached out and had the guts to do it, you are awesome! 2nd, you are allowing him to help you, so you are awesome!
3rd, asking for what we need is a huge step in recovery. You are on your way, just keep trotting along. ;-) You should feel proud of yourself!!!
Posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 22:47:48
In reply to Re: a HUGE step » gazo, posted by Happyflower on May 10, 2007, at 16:26:12
you have no idea... proud and scared sh*tless. i realized tonight that this now means that Monday i have to tell him what i'd like the message to be... with him sitting right there looking at me. have i lost my f*cking mind!?!
i was on about 5mg of clonazepam when i made the call last night and i had morning brain when i answered this morning... still had trouble saying what i thought would be a good idea.
i don't even *know* what would be a good idea to ask for... i just find his voice soothing. But that sounds idiotic. Seriously. i can't explain without explaining what i talked about with him last monday... and that took decades for me to sort out enough to say... but suffice it to say that my emotional side doesn't communicate well but has strong needs.
so what do i ask for?
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