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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Phillipa on October 7, 2006, at 12:33:28
I think I know what my biggest problem is that's made me so hopeless and even put SI thoughts in my head at times. I'm older than all you. I'm 60 and feel that I want to be like my neighbors and with their husbands retired at my age. See I was married for 21years to the father of my children I've realized that if only we could have forgiven and started over from the cheating it was free love time that we would be together sharing memories. I have no one to share memories with and my husband now it's not his fault but he's l3 years younger than me. When he is retirement age I'll either be dead or in a wheelchair. how do I accept my aging the the medical problems that have started attacking my body and I physically can't work, follow him to his job custome boat painting self -employed and just sit there and watch him work? I have no friend, hobbies, etc, and always spent my time with my husband as friends. Do you think a therapist could help me before I go under. I'm so terrified and scared. Thanks Love Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on October 7, 2006, at 12:43:26
In reply to Think I know my problem but it can't be fixed, posted by Phillipa on October 7, 2006, at 12:33:28
Yes. I think absolutely a therapist could help you with your issues.
A therapist could challenge you to think about your situation differently, and challenge you to work on some of the things you're unhappy about.
It probably won't be entirely fun or comfortable, although a good therapist will also empathize with you, and encourage you to move at a pace that challenges but doesn't overwhelm you.
I really really think a good therapist who is the right fit for you could help you a lot. They are trained to deal with exactly these sorts of things.
Posted by Adrift on October 7, 2006, at 14:03:41
In reply to Problems can be fixed » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on October 7, 2006, at 12:43:26
aww Phillipa, I think a therapist could help you too. I relate to a lot of what you sound to be feeling.
(((pihilipa)))
Posted by Racer on October 7, 2006, at 19:08:04
In reply to Problems can be fixed » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on October 7, 2006, at 12:43:26
Well, Phillipa, what do you think?
How do you define "helping you" with your problems? If you're defining it as making you 35 again, I've got some bad news for you.
On the other hand, if you're looking for help coming to terms with reality, that's a different story. There's a good chance that you're going to have to do a lot of very painful grieving -- over things like the fact that you'll never be 35 again, for instance -- but once you get past the pain of facing that reality, you'll learn new ways to be 60 that might be a lot less painful for you.
For one thing, I'll bet a therapist would suggest something like FINDING the friends, hobbies, interests that might give you more satisfaction than going to watch your husband paint boats seems to. That is an option for you, you know. You have options, and a good therapist could help you figure out which are most attractive, and how to overcome your own resistance to them.
Good luck. I hope you find someone good.
Posted by Jost on October 7, 2006, at 19:36:24
In reply to Think I know my problem but it can't be fixed, posted by Phillipa on October 7, 2006, at 12:33:28
Phillipa, I absolutely think therapy would help.
It's a question of what your reality "has" to be. It doesn't have to be as you now perceive it. It's hard to change how you perceive reality-- it doesn't happen easily, but it happens if you work at it.
It's something therapy is good for, if you want that. You don't have to think of yourself as old-- In one sense people are physically or psychologically older (or younger) than--whoever, people here, or anywhere.
In another sense, everyone has the present-- whatever they make of it-- and in that sense, no one has more at any moment than anyone else-- per se, according to health, attractiveness, intelligence or anything else-- whatever "now" can be-- whatever you make of the opportunity to experience it.
I think, as we all, do, when in the grip of an experience, you're overestimating the given, or necessary, quality of it. It's true, our ways of perceiving can be (as well as seem) somewhat intractable-- but they have the capacity to change. At any point, even very difficult ones, there's an element of will or choice--not simple will, but some deeper emotional struggle that you participate in, which can grow, even if gradually, or with success over time--to an emotional engagement that diminishes many bad things that seem immutable and defining.
It's really hard, and often discouraging, but you can do it. You've been working towards it, trying to find a way to take the steps you need-- one of them being to find a therapist--the right one, even if you have a hard time giving yourself permission to do it--
Jost
Posted by valene on October 7, 2006, at 20:10:03
In reply to Think I know my problem but it can't be fixed, posted by Phillipa on October 7, 2006, at 12:33:28
Phillipa, You could definitely be helped by therapy. You know, 60 is NOT old! Not anymore.
Age is relative. Some people are old at 35. I know people in their 80's who are riding motorcycles, building new homes, etc.! I Don't feel old and I am about your age.60 is the new 45 - I'll find the article on Yahoo and send it to you. Written by a therapist of some kind. She says she used to see "seniors" starting at age 65 and now the age is 75 or older.
If you are physically fit, don't worry about 60 - get with some younger people, not those retired neighbors of yours! You ride bicycles, correct?
My husband is also younger as yours is and I feel as though I am his age and lots of people think we are the same or very close in age. Don't let a number hang you up that way,
Love,
Val> I think I know what my biggest problem is that's made me so hopeless and even put SI thoughts in my head at times. I'm older than all you. I'm 60 and feel that I want to be like my neighbors and with their husbands retired at my age. See I was married for 21years to the father of my children I've realized that if only we could have forgiven and started over from the cheating it was free love time that we would be together sharing memories. I have no one to share memories with and my husband now it's not his fault but he's l3 years younger than me. When he is retirement age I'll either be dead or in a wheelchair. how do I accept my aging the the medical problems that have started attacking my body and I physically can't work, follow him to his job custome boat painting self -employed and just sit there and watch him work? I have no friend, hobbies, etc, and always spent my time with my husband as friends. Do you think a therapist could help me before I go under. I'm so terrified and scared. Thanks Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on October 7, 2006, at 20:34:44
In reply to Re: Think I know my problem but it can't be fixed, posted by valene on October 7, 2006, at 20:10:03
Val funny but my neighbor said today I'm the envy of the neighborhood as of the way I look and my physical shape. If only they could see in my head. It's that I want to spend my life with my husband. Racer people scare me why I don't know and that's exactly what I want to do come to terms with my age the number. It was so easy in my 40's to not think of getting older but the number it's just a number but doesn't feel that way. And Valene please send the article. Love Jan ps I'm using my own name a lot now cause I feel you're my friends.
Posted by Phillipa on October 7, 2006, at 22:56:12
In reply to Re: Think I know my problem but it can't be fixed » valene, posted by Phillipa on October 7, 2006, at 20:34:44
And I just read the thread above way up about the ages when people knew there was something wrong. I used to pound my knucckels on the floor til they swelled up to get my parents attention but they didn't care. Just wanted me to stay away. So we all ate in our rooms on TV trays. And Christmas we played alone me and my sister . Don't know where my parents were. In Junior High I used the carve inititials in my arm and a girl brought phenobarbitol in I took the whole bottle and then when I got back to the classroom stuck my finger down my throat and threw them up. The girl was run out of town. But I was always told that all teens do things like this. You mean they don't? Love Jan
Posted by Racer on October 8, 2006, at 1:35:24
In reply to Re: Think I know my problem but it can't be fixed » valene, posted by Phillipa on October 7, 2006, at 20:34:44
> Racer people scare me why I don't know
Well, then, you've got a choice to make, don't you? You could continue to be afraid of people, in which case you're likely to be lonely and dissatisfied unless you figure out some interests or hobbies that you can do on your own.
Or, of course, you could do something about being afraid of people...
Posted by Dinah on October 8, 2006, at 12:03:26
In reply to Re: Think I know my problem but it can't be fixed » Phillipa, posted by Racer on October 8, 2006, at 1:35:24
If only it were that easy. IRL people terrify me to my very bones, in social settings.
Not anything from meds to positive thinking to anything else stops me from freezing in anticipation of being eaten by the wolf or hit by the car.
I can't even imagine people not scaring me sh*tless.
Posted by Jost on October 8, 2006, at 13:41:13
In reply to Re: Think I know my problem but it can't be fixed » Racer, posted by Dinah on October 8, 2006, at 12:03:26
But Racer is thinking not about Phillipa's fear of people, but her fear of doing the wrong thing to get help, of getting hurt more in the moment that she makes a choice, or is active on her own behalf--then if she doesn't take the risk of doing it. This leaves her feeling helpless to take on whatever inhibits her.
It's not the fear of people-- it's the fear that her own efforts will lead to some catastrophe, which will be overwhelming, that holds her (and me, and many people I think) back from doing some things to overcome the fear somewhat, to reach out for more.
Fears can be more or less paralyzing, depending on whether we work with or against them-- don't let them keep us completely in check.
(I really should take all my great advice, as you know-- but still- it is good advice-- I think--so don't anyone think I'm doing all the things I say. I hope if I keep on giving it and remembering that I should also consider it, I'll be more active in this way myself)
Jost
Posted by Phillipa on October 8, 2006, at 17:06:02
In reply to Re: Can so be fixed » Dinah, posted by Jost on October 8, 2006, at 13:41:13
Jost exactly. I feel like my head is swinging back and forth. Should I do this if I do this will happen, no if I don't do then I will not overcome my fear, but wait the last time I did this something awful happened that negated the good. It applies to people as all my life I've never been a coffee clathcher. I used to be fine by myself now I hate it. I keep telling myself tomorrow as today is Sunday I'm call the therapist my Daughter gave me the number of. Oh but wait I'm already worrying about waking up alone. Til I can get to where Greg is and what if the rain ruined the covered boat. It will be my fault. I must think I'm God or something. I've always felt the need to be in control. And now I'm not. I can't control my age . Love Jan
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 8, 2006, at 21:49:39
In reply to Re: Can so be fixed » Jost, posted by Phillipa on October 8, 2006, at 17:06:02
Hi Phillipa,
this is the first time that I've seen you be so open about the history of your pain and your struggles. I'm sorry that you've been through so much.You will never be able to change your past, but what you can work on with a therapist is how to accept it, and how to accept yourself. You have many wonderful, excellent qualities. Things that I wish you would recognize and appreciate before another day goes by. Your age doesn't matter. You are still human, and you still can hurt and you still can heal.
Since you're opening up here, I think it might be time for you- you might be ready to start working on the hard stuff. If you can ride your bike up a big hill, you'll be okay in therapy. It's going to be boring sometimes, and frustrating sometimes. Sometimes the sessions feel endlessly long and pointless, and other times you wish you could just chat all day long. In my experience, I do most of the "work" outside of that office. Things the T says might not "hit" me until hours or months later. I might get a chance to try making a little change right away, the same day- which is gratifying. Other times, the change I know I should make is met with such frightening resistance that I truly believe that it will kill me.
Therapy is the hardest thing I've ever done. I know that you always say I'm young and all that, but therapy is harder than growing up, harder than being married and living halfway across the country from my guy, harder than the side effects from starting cymbalta (ugh), and harder than this whole graduate school thing.
BUT- therapy is changing my life. I hope you get the opportunity to let it change your life too, Phillipa.
(((Phillipa)))
stick around here on the psychology board, let us know how your T-hunt is going.
-Li
Posted by Phillipa on October 8, 2006, at 21:58:04
In reply to Re: Can so be fixed, posted by Lindenblüte on October 8, 2006, at 21:49:39
Li you're the most caring person and I truly love you. I hope that's okay as it's non sexual. Just respect and knowing you is a wonderful experience for me. And I hope you continue on your own path of healing. And if I can help in any way you know where I am. Love Jan
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 8, 2006, at 22:01:28
In reply to Re: Can so be fixed » Lindenblüte, posted by Phillipa on October 8, 2006, at 21:58:04
Phillipa,
I'm touched that you love me. I'll take it- thank you. I'm happy to be there for you too :)Love,
-Li
Posted by Declan on October 15, 2006, at 1:20:22
In reply to Re: Think I know my problem but it can't be fixed » Phillipa, posted by Racer on October 8, 2006, at 1:35:24
It's pretty rational (just to get this out of the way) to be frightened of people, don't you think?
(I don't care what psychology has to say about it....I shall defer to history).I have been fascinated forever about obscure and powerful fearful feelings associated with social events.
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 15, 2006, at 10:06:14
In reply to Different subject, but anyway, posted by Declan on October 15, 2006, at 1:20:22
Yes, there is a certain amount of caution that is justified to have around strangers.
However, strangers walking around at the grocery store vs. strangers walking around at a party-- why is the party more anxiety-provoking?
I think it's because we want people to like us or at least respect us at a party. We want to have someone to chat with/to. At the grocery store, I don't give a flying f*ck about what the other people think of me, as long as they don't try to reenact a chariot race with my buggy, cut ahead of me in line or yell at me.
Declan, people ARE scary animals. You are very right about that. Living together in social harmony requires a certain amount of mass hysteria that we call "being civil"-Li
Posted by Declan on October 17, 2006, at 17:30:41
In reply to Re: Different subject, but anyway » Declan, posted by Lindenblüte on October 15, 2006, at 10:06:14
Maybe parties would be easier if we could just say 'who the f*ck are you?'.
Well, maybe the problem with parties is the extent of the gulf between what we feel and what we say.
Still, it remains a mystery to me why such events should be so stressful.
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 17, 2006, at 18:20:41
In reply to Re: Different subject, but anyway » Lindenblüte, posted by Declan on October 17, 2006, at 17:30:41
One needs at least one good friend and one strong drink to get through most "parties"
That's why the funnest parties are the ones where everyone gets wasted.
You know, the funniest thing about me (if I had to write a personal ad, I might include this)
Even when I'm so drunk I'm throwing up, I still am socially conscious enough to clean up my strawberry margarita barf and reapply my lipstick.
I have NEVER lost control of myself under the influence. That's because of my terror of the male of my species. (don't worry Declan, you don't scare me- you're very unpredictable, but not in the explosive temper direction)
-Li
Posted by Phillipa on October 17, 2006, at 18:58:28
In reply to Re: Different subject, but anyway » Declan, posted by Lindenblüte on October 17, 2006, at 18:20:41
Declan is a sweetie and handsome as well. I have a pic of him don't I? Love Phillipa
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