![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ElaineM on August 25, 2006, at 13:57:44
I messed up big time -- I thought I was doing so well considering the mess my body and mouth are now. UGLY. I've been fighting the urge very strongly the past week and a half. There is too much happening -- more than I could type out. And I'm not sure anyone could understand. My mind is so confused, or stupid -- I'm not comprehending things, or at least not fast enough. Everything someone says takes twice as long to work through my brain.....I don't know what I'm saying...
I'm sorry I haven't been writing. There's too many words for my fingers to get out, and I don't know if it does any good anyways. I say the wrong things, or nothing at all. But I've been reading everyone's posts and I do sometimes feel not as frantic, because someone else is fighting too -- it's just alot of the time it's barely enough. My head hurts. I need to make my insides stronger. I need an iron-clad mind that doesn't care about any of sh*t that happens outside of it -- to my mouth, my heart, my body, my bank account, my family...It always happens that when I think I've made it over a hump, that's when everything blows up in my face, and I find out that the hard stuff is only just beginning. That's when I SI. Like last night.
Yesterday around midnight I got a call saying that my little brother had been arrested! I'm not too clear on all the charges, mainly DUI, running from the cops, insanely speeding in residential area, and resisting arrest. My parents (who I'm not even close to) are just about over the edge now, and my heart is breaking for them (?). They have to buy his lawyer. I don't know when the trial is. What is going to happen to him? Everytime he does something he finds a way out, and so never gets help, and never suffers any consequences. I'm scared for him. I'm worried about my Dad -- we (their kids)are gonna kill them. ANd it's so frustrating to me that they won't help me with my sickness, but they'll enable my delinquent, addict brother...Who I love though. I want him to have help....see, I can't think properly. I'm so selfish. I'm sad that they hate me so much -- but I'm even sadder for them. Why does it work that way?
I can't take all this. I really can't. It just never ever ends -- just one thing after another, after another.
I have too much stuff and it's stuff that no one can help me with. I feel you all here, and yet I know I am still alone. All alone except for one - not a help right now, but a chunk of the worry and fear himself. Maybe he'll be grossed out if he sees the SI. Not so lovely then. He hates that. But I'm not sure I want him to think I'm terrible. I don't know what I want. I'm so scared. I just want someone to take me away from all this. Is it ever going to end? =:::(
EL
Posted by llrrrpp on August 25, 2006, at 14:49:12
In reply to late last night **SI, posted by ElaineM on August 25, 2006, at 13:57:44
Hi El,
It's never going to end, because life goes on. It WILL get better though. You are going to get through this. Your brother is in big trouble. I'm sorry that your family is going through such a hard time right now. It sounds SO hard. When is the last time that you and your parents talked about Elaine? Do you think they are avoiding you because they are just completely overwhelmed? If this is a case of squeaky wheel getting grease, I wish you could squeak a little louder. You need some support IRL right now. Family would be a good place to start.(((((Elaine)))))
put some ointment on your boo boos. They'll heal up okay.
-ll
Posted by muffled on August 25, 2006, at 14:58:33
In reply to late last night **SI, posted by ElaineM on August 25, 2006, at 13:57:44
> I messed up big time -- I thought I was doing so well considering the mess my body and mouth are now. UGLY.
***I dunno what you like outside, cuz I anin't seen ya irl. But inside(which is what REALLY matters), I think your lovely.
I've been fighting the urge very strongly the past week and a half. There is too much happening -- more than I could type out. And I'm not sure anyone could understand. My mind is so confused, or stupid -- I'm not comprehending things, or at least not fast enough. Everything someone says takes twice as long to work through my brain.....I don't know what I'm saying...
***Well, you can only try, and see if anyone understands, even part of it. And you have been good in the past bout explaining what is good and bad as far as helping you. We have had some concern about your situation, but its a matter of what needs working on first. What would be the most helpful to you at this time.
I get like that when I'm stressed. I just can't seem to think. Its VERY frustrating. So I don't think its a matter of stupidity, but just a reaction to stress.
>
> I'm sorry I haven't been writing. There's too many words for my fingers to get out, and I don't know if it does any good anyways. I say the wrong things, or nothing at all.
***Sometimes it helps to write things out, in a journal, or Babble. You can't say the wrong things here, unless your purposely trying to hurt others or something, and I have never seem you do that. You have been very supportive of others.
Little bits. Can you imagine your life as a pie, and all the things that go on are slices of the pie? (my T calls it the 'pie of your life' LOL!)
Then can you look at those slices as individual things, and see if theres anything, no matter how small, that you might do to make the troublesome slices smaller?But I've been reading everyone's posts and I do sometimes feel not as frantic, because someone else is fighting too -- it's just alot of the time it's barely enough.
***Yeah, that helps me too. I don't feel so alone in my craziness.
Sometimes I think I'm not gonna make it, but somehow, I do.
My T is big on explaining that no matter how intolerable the emotion may be at the time, it will pass.(I tend to say, yeah, the intensity DOES lessen, but sometimes it seems to take an awful long time for that emotion to actually pass)My head hurts. I need to make my insides stronger. I need an iron-clad mind that doesn't care about any of sh*t that happens outside of it -- to my mouth, my heart, my body, my bank account, my family...It always happens that when I think I've made it over a hump, that's when everything blows up in my face, and I find out that the hard stuff is only just beginning. That's when I SI. Like last night.
***My T HATES that I SI. HATES it. She has been unconditionally accepting of it as a coping mechanism, but thats all. I have finally(I think), truly made her UNDERSTAND, as best as she is able, that its not that awful.
She's very good about it. Its a coping mechanism I've used for a long time. It works for me. And it sure as hell is better than some of the alternatives.
>
> Yesterday around midnight I got a call saying that my little brother had been arrested! I'm not too clear on all the charges, mainly DUI, running from the cops, insanely speeding in residential area, and resisting arrest. My parents (who I'm not even close to) are just about over the edge now, and my heart is breaking for them (?). They have to buy his lawyer.***HELLO???? Why are they paying for his lawyer? Doesn't he get legal aid?
I don't know when the trial is. What is going to happen to him? Everytime he does something he finds a way out, and so never gets help, and never suffers any consequences. I'm scared for him.
***I dunno how 'the system' is in your area, but maybe he will be able to get treatment in jail? I'm sorry, but I can't remeber iof he is a juvenile or not?
You know what, I know that you know, that there is nothing that you can do for your brother other than say that you'll be there for him and help him find options for help should he ever wish it.
Yes. He could die. The streets can be deadly. Or worse, as far as I'm concerned, he could end up hurting someone else.
But its HIS life, HIS choices. You can come alongside to be a friend to him, but the choices are his. Its SO SO hard. But you need to be able to keep a distance from him emotionally. Its the f*cking sh*ts, but its the way it is.I'm worried about my Dad -- we (their kids)are gonna kill them. ANd it's so frustrating to me that they won't help me with my sickness, but they'll enable my delinquent, addict brother...Who I love though. I want him to have help....see, I can't think properly. I'm so selfish. I'm sad that they hate me so much -- but I'm even sadder for them. Why does it work that way?
***"Your even sadder for them"......God El, you have such a big beautiful forgiving soul.
Would it be possible for you to tell us more about your relaationship with your parents, and history etc, so that we might better understand? Don't if its gonna be too painful for you, but it might help us to better understand....
Maybe we can somehow give you some ideas as to how you could possibly whittle down some of those pieces of the pie of your life that are hurting you?
>
> I can't take all this. I really can't. It just never ever ends -- just one thing after another, after another.***Overwhelmed. That usu my #1 reason for SI. Cuz I get overwhelmed.....
But then things get better for a bit.....
>
> I have too much stuff and it's stuff that no one can help me with.***The physical stuff?
I feel you all here, and yet I know I am still alone.
***I'm religious, so I always got Jesus with me, though sometimes He feels so far away. That I am SO ashamed of myself, that I SO bad, that how on earth could He ever possibly want to be with me? How could I be with Him, in the depths of my shame? But even when I feel that bad. He's always been there. I look back, and realize I may have FELT alone, but I wasn't. And thats how I in fact survived the seemingly unsurvivable.
All alone except for one - not a help right now, but a chunk of the worry and fear himself. Maybe he'll be grossed out if he sees the SI. Not so lovely then. He hates that. But I'm not sure I want him to think I'm terrible.
***From what you have said of your T, I don't think he'll be grossed out. It just hurts him to see you hurt. My T is the same really.
Are you able to talk to your T openly bout the worries and fears you have regarding him? Guess thats a thread unto itself! But ONLY if you feel able.
We don't want you to feel pressured here. We want you to feel safe, and that you can talk bout what you need to, and that if we going down the wrong track, or getting judgemental by accident, then you can say so, cuz we just want to help. We know pain. Anything we can do to lessen anothers pain helps us too.I don't know what I want. I'm so scared. I just want someone to take me away from all this. Is it ever going to end? =:::(
**So, so sorry its so hard for you now. :-(
Can I send you a safe warm hug?
Can you feel my arms around you?
Squeezing, but not too hard?
I am beside you, I think you are not ugly, I sit beside you, and your not alone. I am there with you.
Muffled
Posted by ElaineM on August 26, 2006, at 10:54:54
In reply to Re: late last night **SI » ElaineM, posted by muffled on August 25, 2006, at 14:58:33
***HELLO???? Why are they paying for his lawyer? Doesn't he get legal aid?
He just became a legal adult seven months ago -- so it's grown-up jail. They got him out like right away. And they are paying for a big-time lawyer because he's claiming that the police were abusive and didn't respect his rights as a person. My parents are going to help him get off. I know it. He never ever gets in trouble for his actions. He's been "in big trouble" twice before this and they got him out of it. He nevers pays for it -- he never learns -- they'll never let him hit bottom. But if that doesn't happen, there'll never be any hope of him changing. I'm hoping that he ends up having mandatory treatment, if nothing else. I keep having (what's the equivalent of nightmare daydreams?), anyways I worry that he'll hit someone. I don't trust that only having his license suspended right now will keep him from behind the wheel of a car. It's hard -- there's nothing I can do, except wait and hope that the police are smarter than this lawyer.....though I don't really want him in jail. =:::( I hate feeling so torn. I'm torn about everything.
***Well, you can only try, and see if anyone understands, even part of it. And you have been good in the past bout explaining what is good and bad as far as helping you.
I'm scared to talk about it -- but I don't even know if I can put sentences together. I'm afraid of offending others, or upsetting myself -- both. I'm always afraid that no one could identify with me -- and I think that's what I want the most. That's why I wanted to share secrets with LadyDoctor -- I wanted her to know with me. I worry that I'll look ridiculous and end up feeling even more isolated.
***I get like that when I'm stressed. I just can't seem to think. Its VERY frustrating. So I don't think its a matter of stupidity, but just a reaction to stress.
I think I just get so frustrated. Whenever I'm in a tough situation, or am scared, I almost have a freeze response -- my brain gets paralyzed. And then I'm like a puppet.
> I have too much stuff and it's stuff that no one can help me with.
***The physical stuff?Not really. I've accepted that no one can help with the medical thing.
The dental stuff has been driving me crazy -- trying to get these specialists to believe in my pain, and then believe that the ones they've done are not "dead" like they're supposed to be. I know that I starved away my credibility with the anorexia (my judgement of reality with never ever be taken as fact again) -- but that doesn't make it easier to live with. Everything is reduced to an anxiety response. Like, this winter, I went to the doctors complaining of not being able to breathe, that the air was too thick, my lungs too heavy -- I was wheezing. The doctor said that I was just out of shape! and anxious about gaining weight!!! (I know, nice thing to say to a recovering An) I was told to calm down and put on four times a day ativan. Two weeks later I ended up in the hospital gasping and coughing up blood, with an out of hand case of bronchitus. Who else but a "crazy" person would be given ativan instead of antibiotics?!! But it's like that all the time!!! Anyways (I'm sorry for rambling so much) after having the first root canal done the beginning of June, I've finally convinced them that both are not "dead". I would keep going in with the infection spreading and he'd say "Calm down. Just give it time". Every time I'd do the bite-tests that activate the nerves and send the lightening bolt pains through your skull -- every time the reflex, full-body shudders -- and he'd be like, "It's not possible". He's admitted now that I have one of the one in a thousand cases of having an additional canal running under my molars. I want to cry for myself that it took me two months of suffering and repeating the same things over and over and over for them to take me seriously.
So, I guess that's good though. They aren't even thinking about the additional ones I need done now. But I'm scheduled for two, almost unheard of, second rounds of Endo on the rootcanal teeth! I wanted to cry cause I was soooo happy that they FINALLY believed me. It's gonna hurt, and bury me even deeper in debt, but I need the infection out of my neck and ears. There was already so little of me left when I was dealing with the medical stuff.
I hope this will be over soon.
Now, after rambling on, the big thing no one can help me with is my T situation. I am stuck -- stuck in the "bad" to get some of the good. But is it "bad"? I don't know. I don't know. And I know that the easy answer is, Just leave. But it's not easy! It's not. Even if it's wrong to stay, it's still......(tears) I can't explain......Even when I spoke to the woman at the psych center about my "hypothetical" situation, she said, "Well, I would just tell this girl to leave this man." Really?! Thanks. ....man, I sound like such a stubborn b*tch! ...it's not "abuse" like I know it to be. It's hard to comprehend the same way. I just know I'm confused. We are different people now. He is not the same T as a week ago. And so I'm not the same either. No one will get it!...(tears)...I'm so alone. It's so dumb. I can't. But this week, the sh*t has hit the fan (...dumb thing to say, but i don't know how else to put it.) This week was the turning point that I've been sensing coming for months. Oh g*d, Everything is ruined. I've ruined both of us. I have nothing now - well, I do, but not in a real way. Not underneath. No support without guilt. What do I do!! There are no good options. Which is the least hurtful to live with? I don't know!!! There's nothing to do. I'm sorry. I shouldn't speak. I'm sorry. I can't understand myself. I'm so embarassed and sorry.
Muff the last part you wrote made me want to cry. You're such a beautiful person. I'm so grateful that you speak to me.
(((((Muffled)))))
EL[ LL, if you read this, I'll respond to yours later. I had something to say, I was gonna mention my family but I can't do it right now. TOO MUCH! (((LL))) ]
Posted by caraher on August 26, 2006, at 12:07:03
In reply to Re: late last night **SI » muffled, posted by ElaineM on August 26, 2006, at 10:54:54
(((EL)))
I'm soooo sorry you've come to such a difficult place. Please don't fear reaching out to us. Everyone here knows your deep inner beauty - you've shown it many, many times here and as this thread reminds you I'm far from the only one to see it.
Posted by ElaineM on August 26, 2006, at 13:45:12
In reply to Re: late last night **SI, posted by caraher on August 26, 2006, at 12:07:03
((((caraher)))) I'm so scared. Of reaching out. Of myself. Of others.
I usually reach in, instead. I like looking ugly from SI. It is good and I'm better that way. I don't know why, but it makes me feel safer to do it.....I know it's not though. LadyT wouldn't want me to. I wouldn't want others to. I guess it's just old habit. I don't know anything anymore.
I hate being afraid and sad :-(
Thank you for helping. EL
Posted by ElaineM on August 26, 2006, at 18:00:26
In reply to Re: late last night **SI » ElaineM, posted by llrrrpp on August 25, 2006, at 14:49:12
Thanks for the hugs LL. Sorry, I was all ready to respond before, and then I got worked up about T. He's really the first worry that comes to mind. (and also the first solution, but that's nothing new).
The last time my family talked about me (sort of) was during my last round of treatment. I've talked of my family a little during the programs, but it's such a maddening subject. The contrast between the girls and the boy, is so dramatic in my family. So it's not really even about the "squeaky wheel" -- he gets the kindness all the time.
They ruled us with fear, and violence and cruelty, and he was/is perfect in their eyes (this arrest thing is a perfect example). They are already "re-writing" it, and taking his BS spinning. They never even yelled at, or touched him once in his life. I don't like getting into all facets of the abuse, and how it split between both parents -- just because I can't figure it out. I used to try and it would drive me insane. How two girls were devils, and a boy a prince. (?)
My parents hate my sister and I. When they'd come in for family sessions during my programs they would just blow the staff out of the water (and they were used to hearing alot). I'm not saying that we were the worst case of abuse (we weren't at all), but it was bad and unrelenting. They'd tell the staff that, If we didn't like what was going on in our house while growing up, then we should've f*ckin' left! When we were kids?! If we didn't want the cr*p beat out of us we should've left! If we didn't like other stuff, leave?! How! Where? Them saying something so unfairly ridiculous was maddening -- it implied that we consented to living like that. I supposed we did in a way, but you can't be a kid and walk out the door. If anything, when we'd get beat down it made me want to go hug them right after. Even now, I've seen other little children do that -- seen them get slapped and then asked to be picked up so they can hug their mom. But that was only a part. We were believed even less about the other way.
She used to refer to us as the F*cking Little B*tches to people. She still does. Once last year I was in her kitchen and my aunt called, and I was listening to her in the living room say, Ya that b*tch is here. I mean, I don't want to make out a list, or complain anymore. You have to just let it slip off your back as much as you can. I learned that well growning up -- it doesn't happen all the time, but you gotta go a bit numb or your mind would break.
But I think what shocked the staff the most was the contrast in the exchanges we had. I was 21yrs old, wearing my 8yrold cousins Tinkerbell hand-me-downs (I was so deathly this last time, I used to wear my brothers watch up where your arm attaches to your shoulder). I remember trying to speak so honestly to them (cause LadyT was there), with real emotions, and real shameless tears, curled up in the chair, saying I wanted to just commit suicide (as though I wasn't already) cause I couldn't stand being hated by them. And she said, Go ahead and kill yourself. It's not our fault.
The physician there used to say that the staff wanted to take me home to their houses. Then I used to just cry afterwards because it could never be true. I don't like talking too much about the past though -- it's usually easiest to do it in reference to the time I had an ED. Probably cause the staff there made it possible for there to be good guys in the story. And that's really just the recent past -- I can't think back to true childhood cause it's too sad to think about what it wasn't like.
Anyways, that's the last time they talked about me -- to me. But they threw me away long before that. Even now, they will not even give pity or support with my medical problem. I would love to have the family I don't, but I learned to let that go as much as possible. You just can't keep looking for something that's never gonna be there. The wish still sneaks to the surface every now and then, but it gets rebuffed all the time, and I don't have enough in me to fight for their love anymore. If a small child could not earn it, an ill, crazy adult failure is not going to come any closer.
That's why T is so important. He's the only "adult" support I have. That's why I can't stand losing him, but I can't stand everything getting just as messed up as it was with everyone else in my life. I'm so sad to lose the safeness I thought he was offering -- it's not the same thing now. =:::(
((((LL)))), I'm so glad that I haven't made you hate me yet. Please tell me when I say something stupid, or am acting ridiculous. And tell me when my writing is not making sense. My brain is so scattered lately. I'm sorry if I say something wrong.
Thank you for talking to me -- If you ever feel like I'm infecting you then don't anymore, but I'm glad that you still are now :-)
EL
Posted by llrrrpp on August 26, 2006, at 22:22:23
In reply to Re: late last night **SI, abuse » llrrrpp, posted by ElaineM on August 26, 2006, at 18:00:26
> Thanks for the hugs LL. Sorry, I was all ready to respond before, and then I got worked up about T. He's really the first worry that comes to mind. (and also the first solution, but that's nothing new
> That's why T is so important. He's the only "adult" support I have. That's why I can't stand losing him, but I can't stand everything getting just as messed up as it was with everyone else in my life. I'm so sad to lose the safeness I thought he was offering -- it's not the same thing now. =:::(
Sweetie, there are a lot of aspiring adults on psychobabble who support you through this time in your life. I'm sorry that we only interact over p-babble. I'd bring you ice cream, and we'd watch DVD's and be silly together. If you felt up to it, we could even go to the mall or the gym or throw a bbq picnic. well, I only have my words, and you only have your words, so we'll just try our best.
> ((((LL)))), I'm so glad that I haven't made you hate me yet. Please tell me when I say something stupid, or am acting ridiculous. And tell me when my writing is not making sense. My brain is so scattered lately. I'm sorry if I say something wrong.Ha! I am quite forgiving, in general. I look on the bright side. I'm a natural Pollyanna. I was pushing you a bit on your folks, because I didn't understand. I *thought* that maybe you weren't letting them help you, because you were ashamed of yourself, or perhaps because you didn't want them to worry about you. No, your parents are not going to be there for you. If they harmed you so much as a child and young adult, they shouldn't have access to you now when you are vulnerable. No one deserves to be called terrible things like that. Your parents don't deserve credit for raising a young woman with your heart, and your generosity. They don't deserve credit for raising a person of honesty and sensitivity who can make those around her resonate her emotions, simply by using her eloquent writing. So screw them. But just because your parents didn't give you what every baby deserves doesn't mean that others cannot love you too.
When you're up for it, you will make friends again. You're at that transition point in your life. Most of your college friends are off doing their things as newly minted adults, and so they are not in the right frame of mind to help out someone from their past. My BEST friends from college call me about once a year, tops. I have no ED, so no hospitalization or anything to blame for increasing distance between once close friends. It's a condition of modern living. Young people are lonelier than ever. Few people to count on for basic things, like getting locked out of the apt. Forget about having a friend to check up on you when you're in the hospital with a life-threatening illness. Elaine- you're starting new, fresh. In a way, it's good that you have a T to help you through this transition, but when you're up for it, you will make some other friends too.
> Thank you for talking to me -- If you ever feel like I'm infecting you then don't anymore, but I'm glad that you still are now :-)
>Well, sometimes I don't feel up to answering posts on some topics. I just don't know what to say, or I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. Or I'm afraid of writing something generic, like hugs or whatever. If I don't FEEL something by a post- it's not the poster's "fault", rather it's just because my personality or my motivation is not quite suited to respond. Or I'm just plain lazy.
I've tried to stay away from talking about your relationship with your T, for instance. I don't know much about T-client relationships at all, having never experienced one, or even imagined myself experiencing one. I don't know what to say? But, I think there are a lot of other dimensions to your situation that inspire my cabernet marinated brain this evening...
hugs to you, and hoping your teeth are not too painful this evening. I've been flossing a lot lately. My gums protested at first, but lately they've been pretty chill...
(((((((Elaine)))))))
-ll
Posted by ElaineM on August 26, 2006, at 23:19:27
In reply to Re: late this night » ElaineM, posted by llrrrpp on August 26, 2006, at 22:22:23
>>>>>I'm sorry that we only interact over p-babble. I'd bring you ice cream, and we'd watch DVD's and be silly together. If you felt up to it, we could even go to the mall or the gym or throw a bbq picnic.
How about the zoo? I used to love going there but I can't walk that far now. I liked bringing my digital and taking pics of the animals -- koala's and polar bears. And flamingos -- they're my favorite.
>>>>>I *thought* that maybe you weren't letting them help you, because you were ashamed of yourself, or perhaps because you didn't want them to worry about you.
Yes, people have wondered that before. My T says that I won't allow people to help me -- that I refuse attempts at interacting and connecting in meaningful ways. So maybe I do do it sometimes.
>>>>>>But just because your parents didn't give you what every baby deserves doesn't mean that others cannot love you too.
That's actually my biggest fear -- that if my parents can't love me no one will. I think that's why I have such a wide definition of affection. Love starts expanding into the abuse and violence range. I want proof that somebody cares so badly -- that it's worth being around in the world, and so I interpret anything that comes my way as love and caring. That's probably why I like being treated bad. Yep, my brain is definately wired backwards.
>>>>>>My BEST friends from college call me about once a year, tops. I have no ED, so no hospitalization or anything to blame for increasing distance between once close friends. It's a condition of modern living
I try and remember that I'm definately not unique that way :-) It's one of the things I'm actually able to accept -- that others suffer this too. So do you have many friends now, or do people just make acquantences each job? I didn't really socialize much during my teens. I don't know how to do it as an adult.
>>>>>>Well, sometimes I don't feel up to answering posts on some topics. I just don't know what to say, or I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. Or I'm afraid of writing something generic
I completely understand that. I would never want you to feel forced to respond. (You know that's not what I meant before, right?) I'm just happy when anyone does that's all :-) Plus, it's not anyone's responsibility to baby-sit me. And I don't respond to alot of things myself too.
>>>>>>I've tried to stay away from talking about your relationship with your T, for instance.
I've never noticed you intentionally doing it. But I realize that it's such a terribly taboo subject. I'm sorry that that's what I bring to the board. I can't help it. (though I know you're not asking for an apology.) I'd never want to hurt others. Or offend them. Or make others think I'm stupid or gross by saying what my life consists of these days. I wish I didn't have to bring my garbage here. I was so happy to find here that I didn't think about the nature of what I needed to talk about. Anyways, I'm trying to accept that this is something that not alot of people can identify with IRL, I guess -- I mean, the center counsellor couldn't get it. Even LadyDoctor had to try so hard to understand. I'm glad that others have not been in the same situation, or have moved beyond it -- but also sad for myself. Alone again. Self-centered, huh.
Honestly, does it offend you (or something like that) when I talk about my T? I just want to know so badly -- either way.
Keep up the flossing too -- the other outcome is even less fun! But as I remember, you know that yourself ;-)
EL
Posted by llrrrpp on August 26, 2006, at 23:37:25
In reply to Re: late this night » llrrrpp, posted by ElaineM on August 26, 2006, at 23:19:27
Nope, your relationship to your T is not offensive to me in the slightest. I've told you before that I don't judge you for it.
See, the thing is that there are T's trained to work with the most disturbed people that you or I can imagine. So what if some people fall in love with their T, or feel like hitting their T, or become dependent on their T? or don't connect with their T?
Those are just feelings, and T's have to learn how to deal with their clients feelings. AND they have to learn to recognize when they CANNOT deal with their client's feelings. And that is their main responsibility. I mean, a surgeon has to accept what they find when they cut someone open, right? And they can't allow their personal feelings to affect the quality of the service they provide to the person who NEEDS them, anaesthetized on the table, right? If a surgeon realizes that they're in over their head, they better find someone who can step in, because the person on the table isn't getting any better on their own, right?
I hold T's (including your T) to those standards of professionalism. You can tell him your story, and tell him whatever you think will help you. He has to show restraint in how he treats you in response, just like the surgeon. You are not in a safe therapy situation if you have to censor yourself because you're afraid of him kissing you.
But it doesn't offend me in the slightest that you have feelings for you T, and that his behavior and your therapy is confusing. It doesn't offend me that you have been ready to leave him in the past, but weren't able to. That's okay. You tried. You need a new T, though, which you sometimes allude to. I'm not offended that things haven't worked out for you in this respect. You're going through a lot, and when the time comes, you'll do what you need to do to get a new T. You're smart enough, and you need your T for therapy, not to love you. There will be other people to love you. Even people who will love you well, as you have always deserved.
Seriously, I'm not offended or mad at you, I don't judge you. I'm offended by your T. He ought to know that the T-client relationship is too important to be neglected and violated.
I still think you're okay- better than okay, really!
-ll
Posted by ElaineM on August 27, 2006, at 17:43:35
In reply to Re: late this night » ElaineM, posted by llrrrpp on August 26, 2006, at 23:37:25
THANK YOU for saying that and reassuring me. I hope it didn't sound like I was accusing you of hating me, that's not what I meant at all -- I just wanted to ask you a general question to see how you'd respond. My worry just explodes everywhere now. But thank you so much for explaining so well -- I'm such a child that way.
If I posted what happened this past week would you read it? would anyone. Even if you didn't have a response you could just say like, Hugs(nm) [or something like that] just so I know you heard. If not, that's okay. You've listened alot already :-)
I don't know why but I feel like I'll be less scared tomorrow if others know. Silly
EL
Posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 17:53:47
In reply to could you listen? » llrrrpp, posted by ElaineM on August 27, 2006, at 17:43:35
Elaine, I just took a nap, and I'm feeling pretty good today, so go for it. Tell me what's going on. Even if I have no advice, I'd be happy to hear you, and say uh huh. uh huh. hmm. uh huh. I won't even bill you either (wink).
Whatever it is, if it's making you anxious, spill it. You're already feeling really terrible about it. Posting it probably won't make you feel much worse. And babble promise of honor says that our responses to you will be civil, and perhaps even supportive. Give us a shot?
I'm gonna be up not so late tonight, but I will keep an eye out for a post from you.
yours,
-ll
Posted by ElaineM on August 27, 2006, at 18:13:13
In reply to Re: could you listen? » ElaineM, posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 17:53:47
Oh god LL I'm so afraid, I think I'm having a panic attack. i'll make a seperate thread about what happened all last week. but he just, like right now, sent another email to me, and I'm so scared. He's angry! He's never been angry before. I didn't even think he could be anything but soft spoken and concerned. i'm scared. scared....tears... i can't stop shaking , I want to you to read what he sent me. but I'm afraid that he will know, though that's not possible. Aaahhhh. Maybe i should take some ativan. Okay, it's really long, but I'll post it.
I'm scared for tomorrow. I have to go cause I didn't friday but I'm gonna be sick. he'll be so mad. What did I do? ya, i'll just post now instead, after tea.
(((LL))) thank you
Posted by sunnydays on August 27, 2006, at 18:34:01
In reply to Re: could you listen? » llrrrpp, posted by ElaineM on August 27, 2006, at 18:13:13
(((((((((((((((((((ElaineM)))))))))))))))))))))))
I wish I could be there for you right now and give you a big hug. No matter what happened, there is *nothing* wrong with you. You don't have to go tomorrow. Anyone that is making you this afraid is someone you should probably avoid at least until you are feeling better. And anger is a scary, scary thing. There's no reason for you to be subjected to your therapist's anger. They are supposed to remain neutral even if they are angry. They can admit they are angry, but they're never supposed to take it out on you, just use it as an opportunity to help your relationship grow. It doesn't need to be like this, ElaineM. I'm sending you lots of strength. Try to do what is emotionally best for you. But know that we will support you here no matter what you choose to do. But never feel forced into doing something. You have a CHOICE, El, and that's important.
((((((((((((ElaineM))))))))))))))
sunnydays
Posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 19:58:42
In reply to Re: could you listen? » llrrrpp, posted by ElaineM on August 27, 2006, at 18:13:13
((((((((((((((Elaine)))))))))))))))))
that's a big hug for you. I'm so sorry you're scared. When I'm scared, I curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head and hum to myself really loudly to make my scared voice go away.Your T is not a good guy for sending you something upsetting like that. If you don't want to post the thing on psychobabble, just take a few choice excerpts. The part that makes you feel the most scared, and paraphrase it. You can even change your posting name this evening, and post it, and then change it back. Seriously, don't be scared because he's going to know about it. There are ways to get around that.
I have a box of the softest kleenex ever made. It's from the inside of sunny day clouds and guaranteed to sop up all tears and nose runs. And it won't make your skin feel chapped either.
And I'm sending you a hot water bottle too. I always get a lot of comfort from having a hot water bottle to snuggle with. If you want, you can borrow my cat for the evening too. I fear that she's more in the mood for some frisky play time, rather than cuddling, BUT she's super soft, and chasing her around your place to try to pet her would probably take your mind off worse things.
(((((((((((((((((((more hugs for El))))))))))))))))))
-ll
This is the end of the thread.
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