Posted by ElaineM on August 26, 2006, at 18:00:26
In reply to Re: late last night **SI » ElaineM, posted by llrrrpp on August 25, 2006, at 14:49:12
Thanks for the hugs LL. Sorry, I was all ready to respond before, and then I got worked up about T. He's really the first worry that comes to mind. (and also the first solution, but that's nothing new).
The last time my family talked about me (sort of) was during my last round of treatment. I've talked of my family a little during the programs, but it's such a maddening subject. The contrast between the girls and the boy, is so dramatic in my family. So it's not really even about the "squeaky wheel" -- he gets the kindness all the time.
They ruled us with fear, and violence and cruelty, and he was/is perfect in their eyes (this arrest thing is a perfect example). They are already "re-writing" it, and taking his BS spinning. They never even yelled at, or touched him once in his life. I don't like getting into all facets of the abuse, and how it split between both parents -- just because I can't figure it out. I used to try and it would drive me insane. How two girls were devils, and a boy a prince. (?)
My parents hate my sister and I. When they'd come in for family sessions during my programs they would just blow the staff out of the water (and they were used to hearing alot). I'm not saying that we were the worst case of abuse (we weren't at all), but it was bad and unrelenting. They'd tell the staff that, If we didn't like what was going on in our house while growing up, then we should've f*ckin' left! When we were kids?! If we didn't want the cr*p beat out of us we should've left! If we didn't like other stuff, leave?! How! Where? Them saying something so unfairly ridiculous was maddening -- it implied that we consented to living like that. I supposed we did in a way, but you can't be a kid and walk out the door. If anything, when we'd get beat down it made me want to go hug them right after. Even now, I've seen other little children do that -- seen them get slapped and then asked to be picked up so they can hug their mom. But that was only a part. We were believed even less about the other way.
She used to refer to us as the F*cking Little B*tches to people. She still does. Once last year I was in her kitchen and my aunt called, and I was listening to her in the living room say, Ya that b*tch is here. I mean, I don't want to make out a list, or complain anymore. You have to just let it slip off your back as much as you can. I learned that well growning up -- it doesn't happen all the time, but you gotta go a bit numb or your mind would break.
But I think what shocked the staff the most was the contrast in the exchanges we had. I was 21yrs old, wearing my 8yrold cousins Tinkerbell hand-me-downs (I was so deathly this last time, I used to wear my brothers watch up where your arm attaches to your shoulder). I remember trying to speak so honestly to them (cause LadyT was there), with real emotions, and real shameless tears, curled up in the chair, saying I wanted to just commit suicide (as though I wasn't already) cause I couldn't stand being hated by them. And she said, Go ahead and kill yourself. It's not our fault.
The physician there used to say that the staff wanted to take me home to their houses. Then I used to just cry afterwards because it could never be true. I don't like talking too much about the past though -- it's usually easiest to do it in reference to the time I had an ED. Probably cause the staff there made it possible for there to be good guys in the story. And that's really just the recent past -- I can't think back to true childhood cause it's too sad to think about what it wasn't like.
Anyways, that's the last time they talked about me -- to me. But they threw me away long before that. Even now, they will not even give pity or support with my medical problem. I would love to have the family I don't, but I learned to let that go as much as possible. You just can't keep looking for something that's never gonna be there. The wish still sneaks to the surface every now and then, but it gets rebuffed all the time, and I don't have enough in me to fight for their love anymore. If a small child could not earn it, an ill, crazy adult failure is not going to come any closer.
That's why T is so important. He's the only "adult" support I have. That's why I can't stand losing him, but I can't stand everything getting just as messed up as it was with everyone else in my life. I'm so sad to lose the safeness I thought he was offering -- it's not the same thing now. =:::(
((((LL)))), I'm so glad that I haven't made you hate me yet. Please tell me when I say something stupid, or am acting ridiculous. And tell me when my writing is not making sense. My brain is so scattered lately. I'm sorry if I say something wrong.
Thank you for talking to me -- If you ever feel like I'm infecting you then don't anymore, but I'm glad that you still are now :-)
EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:680048
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/680333.html