Posted by ElaineM on August 26, 2006, at 10:54:54
In reply to Re: late last night **SI » ElaineM, posted by muffled on August 25, 2006, at 14:58:33
***HELLO???? Why are they paying for his lawyer? Doesn't he get legal aid?
He just became a legal adult seven months ago -- so it's grown-up jail. They got him out like right away. And they are paying for a big-time lawyer because he's claiming that the police were abusive and didn't respect his rights as a person. My parents are going to help him get off. I know it. He never ever gets in trouble for his actions. He's been "in big trouble" twice before this and they got him out of it. He nevers pays for it -- he never learns -- they'll never let him hit bottom. But if that doesn't happen, there'll never be any hope of him changing. I'm hoping that he ends up having mandatory treatment, if nothing else. I keep having (what's the equivalent of nightmare daydreams?), anyways I worry that he'll hit someone. I don't trust that only having his license suspended right now will keep him from behind the wheel of a car. It's hard -- there's nothing I can do, except wait and hope that the police are smarter than this lawyer.....though I don't really want him in jail. =:::( I hate feeling so torn. I'm torn about everything.
***Well, you can only try, and see if anyone understands, even part of it. And you have been good in the past bout explaining what is good and bad as far as helping you.
I'm scared to talk about it -- but I don't even know if I can put sentences together. I'm afraid of offending others, or upsetting myself -- both. I'm always afraid that no one could identify with me -- and I think that's what I want the most. That's why I wanted to share secrets with LadyDoctor -- I wanted her to know with me. I worry that I'll look ridiculous and end up feeling even more isolated.
***I get like that when I'm stressed. I just can't seem to think. Its VERY frustrating. So I don't think its a matter of stupidity, but just a reaction to stress.
I think I just get so frustrated. Whenever I'm in a tough situation, or am scared, I almost have a freeze response -- my brain gets paralyzed. And then I'm like a puppet.
> I have too much stuff and it's stuff that no one can help me with.
***The physical stuff?Not really. I've accepted that no one can help with the medical thing.
The dental stuff has been driving me crazy -- trying to get these specialists to believe in my pain, and then believe that the ones they've done are not "dead" like they're supposed to be. I know that I starved away my credibility with the anorexia (my judgement of reality with never ever be taken as fact again) -- but that doesn't make it easier to live with. Everything is reduced to an anxiety response. Like, this winter, I went to the doctors complaining of not being able to breathe, that the air was too thick, my lungs too heavy -- I was wheezing. The doctor said that I was just out of shape! and anxious about gaining weight!!! (I know, nice thing to say to a recovering An) I was told to calm down and put on four times a day ativan. Two weeks later I ended up in the hospital gasping and coughing up blood, with an out of hand case of bronchitus. Who else but a "crazy" person would be given ativan instead of antibiotics?!! But it's like that all the time!!! Anyways (I'm sorry for rambling so much) after having the first root canal done the beginning of June, I've finally convinced them that both are not "dead". I would keep going in with the infection spreading and he'd say "Calm down. Just give it time". Every time I'd do the bite-tests that activate the nerves and send the lightening bolt pains through your skull -- every time the reflex, full-body shudders -- and he'd be like, "It's not possible". He's admitted now that I have one of the one in a thousand cases of having an additional canal running under my molars. I want to cry for myself that it took me two months of suffering and repeating the same things over and over and over for them to take me seriously.
So, I guess that's good though. They aren't even thinking about the additional ones I need done now. But I'm scheduled for two, almost unheard of, second rounds of Endo on the rootcanal teeth! I wanted to cry cause I was soooo happy that they FINALLY believed me. It's gonna hurt, and bury me even deeper in debt, but I need the infection out of my neck and ears. There was already so little of me left when I was dealing with the medical stuff.
I hope this will be over soon.
Now, after rambling on, the big thing no one can help me with is my T situation. I am stuck -- stuck in the "bad" to get some of the good. But is it "bad"? I don't know. I don't know. And I know that the easy answer is, Just leave. But it's not easy! It's not. Even if it's wrong to stay, it's still......(tears) I can't explain......Even when I spoke to the woman at the psych center about my "hypothetical" situation, she said, "Well, I would just tell this girl to leave this man." Really?! Thanks. ....man, I sound like such a stubborn b*tch! ...it's not "abuse" like I know it to be. It's hard to comprehend the same way. I just know I'm confused. We are different people now. He is not the same T as a week ago. And so I'm not the same either. No one will get it!...(tears)...I'm so alone. It's so dumb. I can't. But this week, the sh*t has hit the fan (...dumb thing to say, but i don't know how else to put it.) This week was the turning point that I've been sensing coming for months. Oh g*d, Everything is ruined. I've ruined both of us. I have nothing now - well, I do, but not in a real way. Not underneath. No support without guilt. What do I do!! There are no good options. Which is the least hurtful to live with? I don't know!!! There's nothing to do. I'm sorry. I shouldn't speak. I'm sorry. I can't understand myself. I'm so embarassed and sorry.
Muff the last part you wrote made me want to cry. You're such a beautiful person. I'm so grateful that you speak to me.
(((((Muffled)))))
EL[ LL, if you read this, I'll respond to yours later. I had something to say, I was gonna mention my family but I can't do it right now. TOO MUCH! (((LL))) ]
poster:ElaineM
thread:680048
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/680260.html