Shown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LadyBug on May 31, 2006, at 7:03:46
Good luck with your T today! Let us know how it goes! I hope you feel good when you are done with your session.
Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by happyflower on May 31, 2006, at 11:33:59
In reply to Happyflower-, posted by LadyBug on May 31, 2006, at 7:03:46
Thanks for remembering me Lady Bug, I just got home from my T. I am feeling a little out of it. It was tough. We started off talking about what I learned in Pschology about how child abuse can cause early puberty. We talked a lot about my early childhood and the neglect and abuse that I encountered. We talked about the happy memories that I have are with other people like teachers, and sitter, not my parents.
Then he asked about what happened the other week. He asked about me firing him, and I said I didn't fire him this time, I just gave up on myself. He told me I acted very badly, like I was trying to turn the fact he didn't have any appointments into a personal thing against him and me quiting was like me wanting to punish him. I said that I wasn't angry with him but very frusterated with him, I needed him when I had nobody else, and when I couldn't get an appointment or even talk to him, and when he did call back he seemed not to even care. Well if he thinks I was trying to make it personal against him, it explains his VERY PROFESSIONAL response to my emotional call. He thought I was talking sucidal for attention or to get back at him for him not being able to have a personal relationship with him. I wasn't thinking this at all, I just needed him to talk to me because I was feeling so bad. Well when I told him about what had happended before I called, (fight with my DH, a call from my aunt that my mom is threatening me, and my frequent nightmares of my mom trying to chase and kill me,and my thoughts of giving up on my life) and then getting the lack luster call back from him, made me really feel alone. He started to say that he can't be there for me all the time, he has vacations, etc,. Then I said well I would of called someone else if I had someone else to call. Well then it happened my eyes got all teared up (hasn't ever happended before)But I gained control of myself. He asked well what did I do to get out of it, I said I don't know, I just did. Well he said do you have a plan? I thought he meant on how I was going to kill myself, so I told him how, but what he meant was for protecting myself if I start feeling like that again. I told him over and over again , I probably wouldn't ever do it. So he left it as that.
After I started to tear up, it was interesting that he changed the subject and asked me about what class I was taking. I told him he didn't want to know. LOL He said yes he does! LOL When I told him psychology, he said, that usually is a very boring class. I told him my teacher is really making it fun and stuff. I talked about the funny stuff I am saying in class. Then I said I told you I was crazy. Then I said crazy in a good way, but also I guess I act crazy in a bad way too. Then he said well it isn't any fault of yours.
We talked a little about running and the race this Sat. I told him I am going to start a trend, I was going to at the end after I go through the tunnel I was goint to go streaking out onto the football field with call my therapist Dr. B written on my butt. LOL
So I guess things are okay with my T and I. I feel drained at the moment. I think my T knows how bad I am feeling. He even scheduled for next week and didn't ask me , normally he does every 2 weeks.
I think he was quite surprised I was thinking of ending my life for real, I even told him how I would do it, and it had nothing to do with testing him or punishing him it was all about how bad I was feeling at the time. His posture and facial expression really changed when I told how especially since that wasn't want he was asking me. I don't think I am sucidal right now, I got out of the hole and besides I don't think I would ever go through with it anyways. Well I am exhausted, I am going to try to get a nap. Maybe I will remember more later . Thanks for caring about me Ladybug.
Posted by orchid on May 31, 2006, at 12:52:34
In reply to I am back from therapy , long with triggers** » LadyBug, posted by happyflower on May 31, 2006, at 11:33:59
Hi HF,
I have to ask before hand for any offense this post may cause you. I simply don't know how else to put it across.The truth is, I really think your T is not very helpful to you. I know that you want to protect him and have been helped by him before, and you think he is really one of the best Ts around, but in so far as the past year and a half of reading his responses to you, I do not think, there has ever been one single instance, in which his response to you was excellent or insightful or extremely helpful to you. He has given you only ordinary comment like be happy, do something productive etc etc - which any ordinary person trained a little bit in psychology would have been able to give you. I know he has listened to you and that itself helped you, but I think all the good things that you have got out of your therapy actually comes from the fact that you are attracted to him and the happy feeling that the attraction gives you. That is why you end up going on a roller coaster. In fact, I think if you continue with your T, it would end up messing you up more. I mean, look at it objectively. Do you think his responses to you are even comparable to the responses and insights that you get here, like say from Tamar? Does he even give you any insight? No - he only acts defensive all the time, and at best confuses you with his actions.
This is my honest and sincere opinion, and one that hasn't changed for more than a year. OF course, I do not presume that I know everything about your sessions or your T, but I have been having this not so good feeling about your T for more than a year, and if you remember, I even warned you a very long time back.
IMHO, you will do much better, if you find some other T in your university, and who can really help you. You have done a tremendous job of picking up yourself every time you fall down, and it deserves a lot of credit, but I don't think your T ever really helped you to pick yourself up and stand up.
Again, this post probably is very brutally honest, and I hope you will take it as my attempt to give you what I think is the right advice. I could be wrong, but again and again, I get the impression from reading your posts that your T is not very helpful to you - in fact I think he is doing you more harm.
Posted by orchid on May 31, 2006, at 13:38:46
In reply to Re: I am back from therapy , long with triggers** » happyflower, posted by orchid on May 31, 2006, at 12:52:34
Of course HF, my self doubt has started kicking in heavily now, and I regret writing that post.
I mean, I want to be helpful and to let you know what I really think, but also I don't want you to hurt. But keeping silent and giving you artificial 'yes he is wonderful' kind of messages when I don't really think that is becoming difficult.
But nevertheless, I hope you will think about what I said objectively, and arrive at a conclusion for yourself seeing what is best for you. That - only you would know.
And I hope to hell that you don't take offense, since I have been known to offend you quite a few times in the past - somehow, I guess since your struggles are very similar to mine, I think I end up with strong feelings whenever I see you struggling and not being helped enough or being misdirected ( in my opinion ).
Posted by orchid on May 31, 2006, at 20:07:31
In reply to Of course my self doubts has started kicking in » orchid, posted by orchid on May 31, 2006, at 13:38:46
I wish someone could delete them for me. The post doesn't serve any constructive purpose.
Posted by happyflower on May 31, 2006, at 20:24:38
In reply to Re: I am back from therapy , long with triggers** » happyflower, posted by orchid on May 31, 2006, at 12:52:34
** I do not think, there has ever been one single instance, in which his response to you was excellent or insightful or extremely helpful to you. He has given you only ordinary comment like be happy, do something productive etc etc - which any ordinary person trained a little bit in psychology would have been able to give you.
Orchid, I appreciate your post, and I am thinking maybe others are thinking the same thing since I haven't got any other responses.
But your post about my T is very much mistaken but you can have your view if you like. I believe you are underestimating my T a lot. Maybe I have been posting mostly the negative or controvesial stuff and not enough of the good stuff he does. I believe he is very good, I know him well, he has a kind heart, I have seen it, I don't post about it much though. He was almost in tears today. But he has given me a lot of excellent responses, several in most sessions and his comments are not ordinary either, they are quite intelligent.
**but I think all the good things that you have got out of your therapy actually comes from the fact that you are attracted to him and the happy feeling that the attraction gives you.
He is attractive, but you are underestimating me this time. Yes he is fun, but the good things I have gotten out of therapy isn't because of my attraction, but from the hard work I am doing and I am not doing it for my T , I am doing it for me. I am creating my own happiness and he is helping me, but I am not that shallow to be in therapy just to see him and I am doing a lot of hard work, not just googoo eyeing him during the session. He isn't the only man who has been attracted to me or I have been attracted to.
** That is Does he even give you any insight? No - he only acts defensive all the time, and at best confuses you with his actions.
He isn't defensive ALL THE TIME in fact I don't think he is defensive, I think I am mostly, and yes he has given me many insites into things. This is mainly what he does with me. I do admit I do become confused by friend -like- behavior. But he has changed a lot of this in my last 2 appointments. He has cut his self disclosure down quit a bit as per my wishes.
I appreciate your concern, but I feel I must set straight some of the stuff you are saying. Most of it I don't agree with, but that is okay.
** IMHO, you will do much better, if you find some other T in your university, and who can really help you. You have done a tremendous job of picking up yourself every time you fall down, and it deserves a lot of credit, but I don't think your T ever really helped you to pick yourself up and stand up.My T is really helping me and it is because of him and what he has done for me that I am picking myself up every time I fall. I think we work well together, but even in all relationships, there are kinks to work out. I have been in therapy for 1 1 /2 years, how long have you been in therapy? It is probably my fault for posting all the problems I am having, but a lot of the time it WAS me and not him. I guess if more people share the same view as you about all of this, then I will have to look deeper, but for now I feel confident in my T and I feel confident that he will be able to help me.
Posted by orchid on May 31, 2006, at 20:47:19
In reply to Re: I am back from therapy , » orchid, posted by happyflower on May 31, 2006, at 20:24:38
Ok. I am glad you didn't take offense.
And my perspective is only from what you write here. So it is quite possible that it is skewed. Maybe as you said, you could share more of the good stuff that happens in your sessions, for people to get an objective view of the situation (ie, if you want). I don't know what others here think about your T. But nevertheless, even if they share my opinion, as you said, there are apparently things (good things) that we don't know that your therapist is doing for you, so it may not be right. Anyway, you can ask for people's honest opinion on your T if you feel like with the posts that you have made so far.
I am sorry if I had underestimated your work. It just seemed like you were doing so many things on the strength of your attraction and positive feelings for your T, and whenever you felt that he didn't care, you lost interest and became very down. So I inferred that your good moods were derived from his attention to you. But that is also only a second hand inference from your posts, and I was wrong. And there could be some projection on my part - like when I was with my first T, my mood would match so much with his responses to me, but with my second T, my progression and mood was constant and independant of how she felt about me. So I could have projected it perhaps on to you.
Posted by fairywings on May 31, 2006, at 21:01:42
In reply to Re: I am back from therapy , » orchid, posted by happyflower on May 31, 2006, at 20:24:38
(((HF)))
I'd like to take the other side of the coin...
I think it's sometimes good to be attracted to another person who's "off limits" - it can hurt, but it can be motivational too. You're running - would you be doing that if you hadn't be motivated? You've got to feel much better about yourself just because of that one thing alone, let alone all the other benefits you've gotten from the relationship. I started running because I had a crush on someone else years ago - the other person is gone, it hurt terribly at first, now I'm okay with it, but I feel a lot better about myself when I run/exercise. Ultimately it was good for me.I also think I post more when I'm upset about how therapy went, and sometimes the good stuff is glossed over. It's harder to forget the difficult times, and it feels so good to get the encouragement I get from babblers to move forward with the face to face relationship with my T when I feel like I can't face him, or I'm afraid to say something to him. And of course talking with him about how I FEEL about HIM I could NEVER, EVER do w/o the support I get here!Having this level of relationship with someone IRL is a huge accomplishment for me. Maybe you too?
My T is really helpful too, but from some of my posts you wouldn't think so. In one of our first appts. he said that really listening to me would be really good for me, and although I find so much of what he says helpful, it IS that he really listens to me, draws me out, makes me think about things I otherwise wouldn't. The fact that I feel he genuinely cares about me has made the biggest difference for me though. I never thought I could open up to someone like I have to him..... and of course the longer I know him, the more I care for him....I think it's only natural to feel love for our T's. I know some people don't, and some people see it more as a parental feeling, but it's okay whatever you feel toward him.
I hope you'll keep sharing the ups and downs and not feel like you can't.
Hugs,
fw
Posted by happyflower on June 1, 2006, at 16:07:32
In reply to Re: I am back from therapy , » happyflower, posted by fairywings on May 31, 2006, at 21:01:42
I am a worried about lack of response to this thread, and I am wondering if it means that people are holding back what they feel so I don't get hurt or upset.
I really want to know, do you think I should leave my therapist?
Posted by milly on June 1, 2006, at 16:39:08
In reply to Please be honest, should I leave my T ?, posted by happyflower on June 1, 2006, at 16:07:32
> I am a worried about lack of response to this thread, and I am wondering if it means that people are holding back what they feel so I don't get hurt or upset.
> I really want to know, do you think I should leave my therapist?Dear happyflower, I really couldn't answer that question, all I know is that my heart aches for you when I read your posts and I worry that this will end 'in tears' and you will get very very hurt.
Only you can really know if it is 'right' for you to continue. I don't envy you this dilema.
milly
Posted by Dinah on June 1, 2006, at 17:40:15
In reply to Please be honest, should I leave my T ?, posted by happyflower on June 1, 2006, at 16:07:32
There are times when I worry about his boundaries, then he pulls them in and I worry about you hurting from that, then other times he seems to redeem himself.
Sounds like two imperfect people trying the best they can to negotiate an inherently loaded relationship. Where do you draw the line between normally imperfect and too imperfect?
I'm not there. I can't say secondhand what's best for you. But I know that I always know when I look honestly at myself if I'm uncomfortable with something in any relationship. Do you feel uncomfortable?
And in the end, it's your therapy. If you're happy with it, does it matter what anyone else says or doesn't say? Unless you think they're right...
Posted by happyflower on June 1, 2006, at 19:09:34
In reply to Re: Please be honest, should I leave my T ? » happyflower, posted by Dinah on June 1, 2006, at 17:40:15
Hi Dinah,
I do feel comfortable with him and it took me a long time to learn to trust him because of my trust issues. I feel he can lead me through some tough waters ahead.
When I said my eyes welled up with tears, well actually a few left my eyes too, he could of pushed me if he wanted and I would have been a sobbing mess. I know he saw the tears and he knows he is getting to me. I have never cried in
therapy, so I am sure he is thinking I must be trusting him more to see this vunerable side of me. So for me to LET him see this, must mean something. It was in a very sad momemt when I was explaining to him that I had no one else to call and if I did , I would have. I was scared of what my thought were . But I ran into his wall real fast, no he isn't my friend who I can talk to when I need him, I have to have an appointment. But after I eventually looked up after shedding a few tears, I think I saw his eyes were watering up a little too. I think it is hard on him too to see me hurting and saying that I really needed him and he wasn't there for me.When I said that I was messed up. He usually says I am not, but this time he acknowledge that yeah,I am a little, but he said but it wasn't really my fault. It was a very emotional moment and I believe I showed him my very vunerable self, he saw it, and I let him, so that must be a positive step.
So I think he has realized that maybe he has been too loose with the boundries because of my actions lately. I blew up at him and quit because he couldn't see me when I needed him the most. It must be hard to really want to help me, but yet he has to hold back, and have boundries because things are getting out of control with me. He knows I am angry about this, even though I did the right thing by calling him when I was in distress, but when I couldn't see him, I got scared and really took out my anger out on him for not being there for me. Some of that anger I am sure is displaced too.
At that momement I really realized that I am truely alone . I used to be able to depend on my DH to be my friend and most of my support system. Now he is gone, and I don't have any close friends either to lean on. I have some beginning friendships, but this stuff is too heavy for starting friendship I think.
I thought my T cared, and I am sure he does, but he can't be there for me like a friend, and hitting that wall when I was so scared and vunerable really hurt bad. But it isn't his fault that I don't have anyone else. I guess you could call it tough love.
I think I want to stay with my T, I am sure once I learn the new tighter boundries and except them, and he enforces them, I think we will be able to do good work. I guess he had to hurt me, there probably wasn't anyway around it. But I still like him and value him as my therapist. He has done some really awesome things for me too.
Sorry this post is so long, but after having some time to think about it, perhap I have been too hard on him. Thanks Dinah for your support.
Posted by happyflower on June 1, 2006, at 19:19:11
In reply to Re: Please be honest, should I leave my T ? » happyflower, posted by milly on June 1, 2006, at 16:39:08
Hi Milly,
I do what to stay with him, I just was wondering if I as being an idiot or something. I think it is a good thing, as painful as this has been, for me to hit this wall before the end of the therpy. I can work it out with him, my hurt, my disapointment, and hopefully come out of therapy learning something from it.
But it is hard, and I know I will need a lot of support, but I think I might be getting into probably the most honest difficult emotional stuff. Maybe I needed this blowup to break through the wall of my own resistance. Maybe this is my catalist to help heal me. I acted horrible torwards him, I quit, and then he still took me back. So I guess this had to happen at some time or another. Mabye I needed to get this hurt and angry to open up those stuffed down feeling from my past. Thanks Milly for your post.
Posted by muffled on June 1, 2006, at 23:03:24
In reply to This is what I think » Dinah, posted by happyflower on June 1, 2006, at 19:09:34
Yeah, I think your doing great stuff w/your T.
Yeah, damn boundaries. Going thru a bit of difficulty w/that now.
The T relationship is just so damn weird isn't it?
HF, you are SUCH a cool person. Your T is lucky to be able to journey with you.
Hope things go ok and its not too hard.
Take care,
Muffy
Posted by susan47 on June 2, 2006, at 0:54:34
In reply to Re: Please be honest, should I leave my T ? » milly, posted by happyflower on June 1, 2006, at 19:19:11
It's like my story all over again, I can't believe the way you talk about what happened in therapy, it's like we have exactly the same story except I was haywire with the phone, I think it was titillating for me and i liked that I had his attention, I felt like I had his attention I fell in love with that. I think I just needed that to happen, I guess I shouldn't have been so scared, maybe I should've trusted him more and maybe he should've shown more trust in me and kept me and made deals with me or something, I would have definitely gone for approval, anything for his approval but he could not show me that and it was a killer, it killed me that I'd never have it. He'd always sit there with a worried frown or amazed face or something, it was so scary when I realized he wasn't rock solid, no maybe he wasn't and .. whatever. It isn't my story this time, it's yours.
HF don't leave again. Just keep him, I think that would be what you should do, I mean .. you've worked so hard, and maybe give him a bit of trust and I think you realize he really does care, and there is another side to this that you just haven't seen yet.
When you do see it, I hope it amazes you.
Posted by susan47 on June 2, 2006, at 1:06:24
In reply to Re: I am back from therapy , » orchid, posted by happyflower on May 31, 2006, at 20:24:38
HF, BTW, I appreciate how hard you have worked, because it feels so much and the circumstances except for a few minor things plus the not-crazily-phoning, I know I did all the work too. I know. I called and was in a really bad state and he never I don't think even referred to it, maybe he said something I think he did maybe he said something like .. oh, you sounded pretty upset the other night when you called, I'm sorry I didn't pick up my messages I don't always ... blah blah blabbity blah. You know the spiel. Then the other stuff about the needing him and him really NOT knowing how bad it is for you. Christ, I left a marriage and my children and the year before my oldest, had gone off to university, left the bloody nest .. god when I think about all the things I went through, all the changes that happened in a little time, and the T never really appreciated any of it. He made me furious, and I couldn't tell him, because I was already angry with men. The reason I'm here today is because I worked my *SS OFF.
This is the end of the thread.
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